500-WORD RANT #9

Product Placement is a Communist Conspiracy.

Why can’t we go back to the good old days of ignoring commercials?

I usually don’t start a rant by invoking conspiracies, but I’m desperate for attention, so this has to be worth a shot.

I’ve tried to warn you about Medium’s triple threat to mental health, educate you on the dangers of projection, and fight against scam artists who hide behind the word “quality” to justify their BS.

I even shared a simple test to see if you suffer from mental illness as well.

But I can’t protect anyone from product placement as I was unaware of this threat.

That’s how devious those Russians (played by Russians) were during Season 3 of Stranger Things.

They hid products in a show I watch on Netflix, a content platform I pay for that allows me to avoid seeing commercials.

A study by Concave Brand Tracking estimated more than 100 products appeared in season 3, resulting in over $15 million in advertising value in its first three days of release.

I absolutely had to go out and buy a Scoops Ahoy uniform. It’s a chick magnet, right?

It was much harder to find a Heathkit Ham Shack.

I hadn’t eaten waffles in ages, but had a craving for Eggos.

In the words of Season One’s drunken Nancy Wheeler, all this product placement is “Boooshit. It’s all boooshit.”

That’s why I wanted to bring you an old-fashioned commercial, so you can gleefully scroll past.

Hello! You’ve been specially selected to join a group that mocks the junk that clogs your Medium feed. Instead, I will make you laugh while clogging your Medium feed: M, George, Lillian, Krzysztof, Dil, MrFabulous, Barry, Jon, Antony, Ann, Delyan, emma, Carina, Htet Naing, Ed, Aellé, Henriette,.

It’s wonderful to wield the power of the remote control, isn’t it?

But here’s the crazy thing: product placement goes back to 1911.

The Commies infected our minds even before the Russian revolution.

That’s how tricky they are.

How do I know this?

Here’s proof:

1. Conspiracies are beyond weird — they’re Stranger than (normal) Things.
2. Eleven’s full name is 7–11, a chain of individually-owned franchises that give all people a chance to chase the American Dream, competing against evil corporations like the Starcourt Mall.
3. The Commies hid under the mall, a shining symbol of capitalism and materialism. Don’t you see? They’re hiding right under our noses, and subverting our ability to sniff them out with hot, steaming Cinabons.

TV has gotten so bad, I’m ready to fast forward through shows and focus on the commercials.

I used to think the Walking Dead was a good show.

Okay, that may say more about my lack of intelligence than the show’s.

But I have other proof.

Read Brandon’s headline about 15 new TV shows you definitely won’t watch:

“What to Watch This Fail.”

I rest my case.

Here’s to better writing.