WARNING: REALITY CHECKPOINT AHEAD
The Ultimate Personality Test: Discover Your True Inner Being
Illumination in only six questions — it’s worth it, right?
Do you have the guts to face the inner you?
Imagine if Luke Skywalker never went into that cave in Dagobah in The Empire Strikes Back.
Imagine if Indiana Jones refused to drink from the Holy Grail in The Last Crusade.
Imagine if Arya Stark never pulled off Jaqen H’ghar’s face in Game of Thrones.
That’s kind of like you, sitting there with your hot beverage while reading fluff pieces, doom porn, or get-rich-quick tutorials.
If you want to stay in your desperate little bubble, stop reading now. Take the blue pill now, you fool, before it’s too late.
You don’t really want a glimpse into your true inner self, do you?
Well, consider yourself warned, because these six questions will set you upon a path you never knew existed.
Question #1: Look in a mirror
If you…
Don’t see your reflection, congratulations! You’re not a narcissist, but you may be a vampire.
See your reflection in the mirror, but don’t know it’s you, congratulations! You’re not a narcissist, but you’re probably a zombie.
See your reflection in the mirror and try to butt heads with it, congratulations! You’re not a narcissist, but you are a (non-Los Angeles) ram.
See your reflection in the mirror but are more interested in me holding the mirror in front of you, congratulations! You are man’s best friend and you are awesome!!!
See your reflection in the mirror and want to play with yourself, I’m so sorry. You’re a cat, but you’re still a narcissist.
See your reflection in the mirror and recognize yourself. Sorry, you’re most likely a narcissist. Please go to Question #2 for further examination.
Question #2: Read this description of Narcissistic Personality Disorder
From the Mayo Clinic:
Narcissistic personality disorder — one of several types of personality disorders — is a mental condition in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others. But behind this mask of extreme confidence lies a fragile self-esteem that’s vulnerable to the slightest criticism.
Do you recognize any of the above personality traits in yourself?
If you answered yes…
You’re most likely a narcissist. Please go to Question #3 for further examination.
If you answered no…
You’re definitely a narcissist, but also a liar, and probably a sociopath.
Congratulations!
If you’re young and hot, there is a wonderful career awaiting you in acting, modeling, or some form of the entertainment business.
If you’re not young and hot, congratulations!
There is a wonderful career awaiting you in politics or as a CEO.
Question #3: Do you have an elite athletic, musical or artistic skill so awe-inspiring that people will pay to watch you perform?
If you answered yes…
Your single minded focus on your craft means only one thing.
You must be a narcissist… a well-paid, highly successful narcissist.
Unless you’re a comedian, in which case you are a poorly-paid, self-deprecating narcissist.
If you answered no…
Please go to Question #4 for further examination.
Question #4: Are you involved in sales of any kind?
If you answered yes…
You are definitely a narcissist, but you knew that long before you started this test.
If you answered no…
You’re either a teacher, or a eventual candidate for sainthood. Please go to Question #5 for further examination.
Question #5: Are you wondering if this is supposed to be a serious psychological test?
If you answered yes…
You are definitely a narcissist and probably a curator for Medium.
If you answered no…
A sense of humor means there’s still help for you yet. Please go to Question #6 for further examination.
Question #6: Are you a writer?
Okay, now that we’re all here, isn’t it better to finally get it out in the open?
To summarize, you:
- Can see yourself in the mirror and recognize your image
- Have troubled relationships
- Have fragile self-esteem (especially when it comes to the slightest criticism),
- Don’t have elite athletic, musical or artistic skills
- Can’t sell, aren’t a young, hot actor, or an old, ugly politician or CEO
- Have a sense of humor and yet…
- Believe you have something important to say, and damn it, why aren’t all those other people listening?
It’s a terrible thing to be one of the billions of narcissists bumbling through this life in anonymity. We all need to learn to accept our anonymity. I have, as long as Medium doesn’t mess with it.
Don’t feel bad, because we’re not only narcissists*, we’re also neurotic.
From Needy Narcissists May Just Be Extreme Neurotics:
Given their constant need be lavished with praise, grandiose narcissists, unsurprisingly, get the lion’s share of research attention — they wouldn’t have it any other way. But that disordered personality has a close cousin: vulnerable narcissism (VN). Where the grandiose narcissist is externalizing their feelings all the time — shouting people down, sending out all-caps tweets, and the like — the vulnerable narcissist internalizes, withdrawing into the ruminative eddies of their internal world.
“Where the grandiose narcissist is externalizing their feelings all the time — shouting people down, sending out all-caps tweets, and the like — the vulnerable narcissist internalizes, withdrawing into the ruminative eddies of their internal world.” — A narcissistic writer
Welcome to the human race, baby.
If we’re really going to honest, just look at all the crazy people in your life.
Ask them if they’re crazy and see how they respond.
If someone sincerely tells you “I’m perfectly normal,” smile as you back away and head for the door.
And if they can’t laugh at themselves, just start running.
If you had a laugh, you might like these other psychological shockers.
*For people who want to claim they’re an echoist (the supposed opposite of narcissism) that’s fine, but realize that it is on the other end of the spectrum of narcissism. The fear of seeming narcissistic in any way is itself a form of narcissism as that person is still completely self-absorbed.
