GRAVE CONCERNS

Previewing the Zombie Vote Turnout

Vote here, but only if you’re not dead

Dear Volunteers:

Thank you for serving as a poll worker in the upcoming November elections. Due to the contentious nature of the 2020 elections, we at the Board of Elections are taking extra precautions to make sure this year’s elections go as fairly and smoothly as possible.

Be advised:

It’s never been much of an issue in the past, but in 2020 candidates raised serious concerns about dead people voting, potentially numbering in the thousands.

While the idea that legions of citizen-corpses rose from the grave to exercise their civic duty seems extreme, this does not relieve us from our responsibility to stop them from voting.

Any voter exhibiting a halting gait, garbled speech, semi-detached limbs or possibly, a robust, earthy odor should be referred to your supervisor immediately. Any “zombie” caked in blood and viscera should be discreetly removed from the gymnasium.

Often the undead have trouble producing valid identification. Many states have binding restrictions against issuing a driver’s license to the departed, no matter how recently they may have passed. A good rule of thumb — if the I.D. has expired, the owner may have as well.

We’ve also heard allegations of people voting multiple times, employing various wigs, beards, and other disguises. Stay alert, though you’re not likely to get more than three or four kids with drawn-on mustaches. If more than eight sets of identically dressed identical twins try to vote within a 20 minute time span, say something.

Classic arithmetic will be used in counting votes. One person casts one ballot which equals one vote. Anyone suggesting that this year we will be using dog math where one vote equals seven votes, is misinformed.

Until there are extensive reforms, dogs are still not allowed to vote, though they can accompany a registered voter to the polls, contingent upon demonstrated volume and bladder control.

If a plain white van pulls up to your polling site and masked men start unloading large canvas bags that say NEW BALLOTS — USE THESE INSTEAD, this may be a red flag, especially if the ballots appear to be written in crayon, Sharpie or ketchup.

If a “designated poll watcher” approaches you and says you can take your break now — for three, maybe four hours –and then tucks a fifty-dollar bill into the pocket of your shirt, you may be entering a gray area, ethically.

If you see someone in line with a bullhorn announcing, “THE ELECTION HAS BEEN RESCHEDULED FOR MARCH 18TH,” report that person and confiscate the bullhorn. This kind of thing will result in three people showing up at your elementary school gym four months from now and disrupting the spring pickleball league.

Any demands for recounts from an angry mob should be addressed AFTER the polls close. It does not matter if the aggrieved assemblage is carrying lit torches or bullhorns, which should have been confiscated earlier in the day (see above note).

Remember: Voting, THEN counting, THEN recounting. In that order.

Sequential logic has served us well in the past and if that makes us old fashioned, well, we’re prepared to live with that.

Good luck out there and let freedom ring!

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Eternal thanks to Amy Sea!

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