If left field had a left field

Introducing a Biodegradable, Eco-Friendly and Sustainable Perpetual Motion Solution

You’ll def want to get in on the ground floor of this unicorn

My high school classmates are an amiable bunch, quick to share suggestions and opinions and opinions on the suggestions and opinions of others.

Recently we had occasion to exchange emails on a mass scale covering topics related to our health, our physical and mental condition after exiting our respective tunnels of Lived Experiences, and weighty matters such as the definition of the top and bottom of a Hostess Twinkie.

The fact that we had just celebrated our 50th class reunion and our high school alumni include one Colin Jost should give you an idea of the general tenor and academic rigor of the conversations.

The top-versus-bottom Twinkie debate morphed into random intellectual discourse exit lanes quicker than a mutating COVID virus. One such fork in particular brought our collective insight into sharp relief with very real possibilities for positive global impact.

We’re gonna create something to benefit The World.

The theory is straightforward but the methodology is cutting-edge, so try to keep up with me.

Inspiration

Let’s take two physical knowns as our starting point. The first is the fact that a cat, dropped from a height, will engage the vestibular apparatus in its ear inducing a “righting reflex” and, taking advantage of the lack of a collarbone and a flexible backbone with 30 vertebrae, swivel to orient its limbs in the direction of the pull of gravity.

Translation: “Chuck a cat and it will always land on its feet.”

The second physical known is more of a hypothesis, a theory widely held and undoubtedly often proven but as yet not sufficiently and rigorously tested to afford it inclusion in high-impact scientific journals.

To wit: “A slice of buttered toast dropped from a height will always land on the ground butter-side down.”

Now then. We are presented with two phenomena that consistently(ish) yield identical results. How can we take advantage of this knowledge?

One of our brilliant compatriots* proposed a unique, credible and heretofore unexplored means of harnessing these forces to produce a groundbreaking solution to our planet’s energy problem.

Abstract

Take a cat and attach a slice of buttered toast to its back, buttered-side up.

Release the cat from a height, engaging the two knowns discussed above.

The falling cat will instinctively try to get its legs under it.

The falling toast will instinctively rotate to present its buttered side toward the ground.

The two forces will oppose each other, causing the cat to rotate on its longitudinal axis.

Unable to determine whether it should hit the ground feet first or butter first, the cat will remain suspended in the air, rotating indefinitely.

Applications

We are left with a spinning cat which we can then adapt to a number of use cases:

• By enclosing it in a magnetic coil, we can construct an AC (Airborne Cat) motor to generate electricity.
• Alternatively we can devise a gyroscope for use in airplanes or drones depending on the size of the cat.
• Attaching a gear reduction drive to the cat’s head would increase its torque, lending it to possible commercial applications such as in garage door openers and kitchen stand mixers.

Considerations

OK, so the Airborne Cat motor technically would not be a perpetual motion machine as the cat would need to be fed. But it certainly would be eco-friendly as no fossil fuels would be consumed by Fluffy in the course of her operation.

To maximize operating efficiency, a Super Soaker-style device would be incorporated to project a stream of puréed seafood pâté into the cat’s mouth, which would remain fixed on the longitudinal axis of the spinning feline.

A means of attaching the toast to the cat would have to be devised. I imagine some combination of thumbtacks and Velcro would be practical.

PETA

Some HR issues may need to be addressed. Unionizing the cats is an option we would entertain.

To paraphrase an old saying, the only stupid solution is one that isn’t proposed. The world laughed at umbrellas, light bulbs and Hair-in-a-Can when those were initially introduced. Who’s laughing now?

Interested VCs not named Sam Bankman-Fried are urged to leave their contact information in the comments.

*I would be remiss in not crediting Joe Paccione for bringing this technological possibility to our collective attention.

(There is a fine line between “crediting” and “throwing under the bus.”)

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