I don’t even know you anymore
Fraternal Word Twins Where One of Them Is a Bastard
Seeing them together just makes it awkward
“Legal doublets” are etymological twins, pairs of words that mean the same thing legally and are grandiloquently used together to gavel home a point.
Aid and abet. Part and parcel. Lewd and lascivious.
“Biological doublets” (bioblets) are pairs of words without such a legal pedigree that nevertheless were born twins and destined to be joined at the hip as such for the rest of their printed or spoken lives.
I made that last part up. Humor me here, of all places.
Bioblets can be identical twins. “So so.” “Chop chop.” “Done and done.”
More often than not they are fraternal twins that carry similar genetic code but look nothing like each other. “Well and good.” “Null and void.”
As that last pair attests, fraternal bioblets can earn a law degree and become legal doublets as well. But this isn’t about them.
Bioblets hang in the same high school circles and join the same clubs. “Suzie goes above and beyond” paints a cute picture of the twins above and beyond sucking up to a teacher. “I’m so sick and tired of this” are the whines heard as bioblets sick and tired share a sauna after a hard Scrabble game.
Bioblet twins can lead separate lives as well. “Soaring above the clouds” goes out with its buds while “beyond comprehension” stays home and binge-watches Wheel of Fortune.
This is the troubled story of fraternal bioblets in which the very legitimacy of one of the twins’ birth is in question.
It can happen that of the twins pisses off the literary community to the point where it is shunned, banished from the mouths and pages on which it previously pranced.
Maybe it’s something as simple as still wearing a 1930s Zoot Suit in 2023 that makes it dead to others. Or maybe it’s been outed as a bastard with a genealogical line from a forgotten etymological race.
Consequently, a number of pitiful examples exist where a bioblet twin still bravely ventures outside with its sibling while never being seen alone in daylight.
Hither and yon
The first example is tainted in that both fraternal twins are geeky and should best stay home together. But one can still invite “She has come-hither eyes” to a party. What does one do with yon though?
“I went to yon college.” “Yon mountains look majestic.”
Yeah, let’s just take yon off the invite list.
To and fro
The second pair is easier to sort out. Join the judgmental crowd in accepting the first child and shunning the second.
“She came to me.” “Johnny went to school.” Respectable.
“He walked as far as the corner, and now he’s walking fro.”
No he’s not. Not happening.
Highways and byways
We all drive on highways, but how often do we say, “Take the byway exit in three miles”?
Byway had initially made my List of Obscurity. Then I saw a “Scenic Byways” directional sign on a rural New Jersey road. Hm.
I decided to keep byways on this list, as the above exception comes courtesy of the municipal public works departments that gave us the philological zombies “Post No Bills” and “Dump No Waste.”
Kith and kin
Granted, these bioblet twins do not venture out together much. I last heard them mumbled by Chevy Chase in National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation.
Nevertheless, kin do live in states where NASCAR is just another church in the Southern Baptist Convention. But how many of us have ever heard, “Mom, can my kith come over on Saturday?”
While Peggy and Sally may in fact be your daughter’s kith, the only time they’ve ever heard that word as it relates to them was from a teenage boy with a lisp.
Hale and hearty
These twins rarely appear together anymore except in reference to Old people being politely described as somewhat upright and with a measurable pulse.
Hearty itself still makes a living associated with “laugh” and “soup,” but hale? What even is that?
“What a cute baby! Is he hale? He looks hale.” Said no grandmother ever.
Kit and caboodle
This common expression starts with the very British term for what is correctly called an “outfit,” “gear” or “uniform” by the rest of the English speaking world.
Brits: “Liverpool are kitted out in red.” Oy.
Kitted and referring to Liverpool in the plural? Bloody hell.
Silly Brits aside, now try using caboodle alone in a sentence. I dare you. Even though it did mean something to those who walked the Earth in the days of gramophones and pennyfarthings.
Hue and cry
Ah! Bioblet twins that may appear onstage now and again or in period movies featuring sword-swinging troops raising them in battle! And we all cry out when the moment calls for it, whether in encouragement or terror.
But hue? “She hued out in pain.” “Their hues of despair were pathetic.”
Who ever used that little bastard in the first place?
Vim and vigor
These fraternal word twins evoke images of Hans and Franz on Saturday Night Live, both pumped up on vim, vigor and more than a touch of steroids.
Distinct images aside, try using vim alone in that context.
“Baby Bobby is growing with signs of good vim!”
“Eating leafy greens will increase your vim.”
“Shake the paint jar vimly before use.”
Yeah, I thought so.
Spick and span
Lastly we have a set of twins who are both dysfunctional, neither one venturing out alone for any reason. In pairs, however, there is strength.
What the hell does it even mean to clean your house until it’s spick and span? Is that just a sneaky way to drive sales of Spic and Span, an actual line of cleaning products? A cynical enough thought, but the answer is no.
The origins of the fraternal twins spick and span are quite obscure, and applying these terms to cleanliness is a bit of a stretch.
You will definitely never refer to something clean as either a spick house or a span kitchen. Once you do get them that spiffy though, know that they’re as fresh as new nails and virgin wood. For realz.
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