We have lift-off!
Pre-Mature Explosion Causes Embarrassment
“It really looked good at the start.”
I don’t know if this has ever been pointed out before, but have you ever noticed that rockets look like penises?
— Oscar Rhea, Just Now
Yesterday, at 9:33am Eastern time, a crowd of thousands in South Texas watched as the biggest phallus known to man attempted to break new barriers by penetrating further than any previous vessel of comparable size.
The event was scheduled for Monday, but one of the participants claimed that they were busy that day, and thus the whole affair had to be rescheduled, much to the chagrin of those who had worked so hard to prepare for the proceedings.
Once the apparatus was properly Elon-gated, the countdown began. Originally it was supposed to last nearly an hour, but the participants were simply too excited. They therefore decided to forgo what some consider to be essential pre-launch procedures — chief among them checking to ensure lubricants were in place — and begin their thrust with only ten seconds of warning.
At first everything seemed to be going ‘okay’, until the equipment passed through a period of maximum aerodynamic pressure, causing it to prematurely explode.
“It really looked good at the start,” one optimistic onlooker said. He and his wife had decided to take in the spectacle from a safe distance. “It’s just amazing to think that some day soon, thousands of people are going to get to experience what it’s like to take a ride on that big boy.”
“I just hope this doesn’t go anywhere near Brownsville,” a local woman euphemistically observed as the pieces separated. “I saw it leaning to the left. That looks like it would hurt.”
In addition to the thousands gathered in person, millions more took in the show online, stating that these were the sorts of things they felt more comfortable watching on a laptop, alone, underneath the covers, in a room with all the lights out.
Unfortunately, the implements failed to separate on time, meaning that all instruments were affected by the explosion. This has led some to suggest that perhaps the next time something like this is attempted, some form of protection should be considered.
Rather than see the event as a failure, witnesses were encouraged to applaud the attempt by such a significant phallus. “The first few times we do this, it’s bound to be a little embarrassing,” Tom Wanks, an expert on these matters, stated. “But once we settle down, and figure out what we’re supposed to be doing, we’ll be off to the heavens every time.
“Just remember: this baby’s reusable. Maybe not right away, but once these parts cool down they’ll be safe to touch again, and we can jump right back in.”
The incident was estimated to have cost a total of $13 billion (USD) in contracts and clean up, a price now being described by some participants as ‘Worth it,’ while others insist ‘It was fine.’
In other news, Space X test launched the largest locket ever built in Brownsville Texas, and it exploded shortly after takeoff.
Enjoyed yourself? Then read this, Stupid:
Also be sure to check out this claptrap by Celina Peters:
