Advice Column
Dear Crabby
Everyday life enlightenment from the pen of Crabigale Van Buren
Following a series of sudden deaths deemed ‘suspicious’ by local police, I have found myself in possession of the entire archive of my favorite advice columnist, Crabigale Van Buren.
Crabigale’s first column was published by Another New York Magazine in 1956. Ever since, she has been spreading tidbits of wisdom to everyone from students to housewives, socialites to businessmen, wealthy heiresses to wretched vagabonds. Many of her advisees went on to positions of American prominence as authors, rockstars, and even presidents.
Crabigale is still writing at 87, and she hasn’t lost any of her vigor. Unfortunately, her work is currently out of publication. Hoping to bolster a new audience for Crabigale, I have selected my favorite pieces from her back catalogue to publish here on Medium. With any luck, Crabigale’s everyday life enlightenment will once more grace the pages of America’s top publications.
July 9th, 1958
Dear Crabby,
After carrying a broom with me for years so I could practice strumming silent chords, I have finally saved up $5 and bought myself a second-hand guitar. It was tricky at first because I’m left handed, but I’ve learned to play upside down and it sounds great! I also like distorting the sound, and I’m getting pretty good at playing with a wah-wah peddle.
My only trouble is I play all the time.
It’s the only thing that makes me feel better since my mother passed away, but I barely see my friends and family anymore. All I want to do is sit in the basement and rock out. I’m wondering if it’s possible to dedicate yourself to a passion while still maintaining fulfilling relationships?
Any advice would be appreciated,
J. HENDRIX
Dear J HENDRIX,
Hobbies are nice, but it’s important to keep your hobbies in their proper place. This fad of popular musicians playing guitars is becoming less and less popular every day, and I’ve never even heard of a left-handed guitarist making a good living for himself.
As for all that distortion, that sounds just awful. Who wants to sit around listening to a bunch of fuzz that winds up sounding like a broken radio? People high on reefer I suspect, and that’s the wrong crowd to fit in with.
My advice to you is to find yourself a better hobby.
Might I suggest knitting? That can be done with friends, and in the end you’ll have a sweater. Keep your knitting down to a few hours a week and you’ll have more time to focus on your studies. Or maybe pick that broom back up and give the house a good sweeping. Who knows? Maybe there’s a career in the custodial duties in your future.
I am sorry to hear about your mother. A young boy needs a strong maternal figure in his life. Hopefully your father finds a replacement soon.
January 17th, 2014
Dear Crabby,
I’m twenty-five years old, I work as a math teacher at a high school, and I’m in love.
She’s a librarian at the school. Let’s call her Allison. She’s the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen in my life. I live for that amazing moment every day in the lunch room when she walks in, cracks a can of Hawaiian punch, and drinks her juice down in five long gulps. Everything about her is perfect: her hair, her earlobes, her glasses. This is the woman I’m meant to marry, I just know it.
Trouble is, most girls don’t like me because I’m a math nerd, who is cursed with adult braces and a shrunken bladder that makes me have to urinate once every forty-five minutes. I assumed Allison had no interest in me, until the other day when she sat next to me in the lunch room and her elbow rubbed up against my forearm. Let’s just say it was a good thing I was sitting down!
It could have been an accident, but I swear she did it on purpose. Is there any chance Allison feels the same way about me? Should I just bite the bullet and ask her on a date?
Help!
NERD IN LOVE
Dear NERD IN LOVE,
We all go through phases of obsession and attraction with a special someone in our lives. It’s completely normal, even if it feels nerve-racking, stupendous, miserable, and sensational all at the same time. The question you have to ask yourself: is it love?
YES! That flimsy, easily misinterpreted, glancing moment of slight physical touch you had with Allison is exactly what love is. Don’t let anyone tell you that your silent infatuation and the fantasies you’ve developed about your future together is any different than the bond that develops between two adults that are engaged in a so-called ‘real’ relationship.
Should you tell Allison how you feel? Absolutely not. Embarrassment is the worst thing in the world, and there’s nothing more embarrassing for a young man than being rejected by a young lady when he asks her out on a date. You should only ever attempt to do anything in your life if you are already 100% certain that it will work out perfectly.
Keep all that love bottled up inside of you. At least for the next few years. In the meantime, continue to analyze Allison’s every glance, gesture, and utterance. Maybe try keeping a journal of your observations and studying that to see if you are making progress.
As for the part about ‘good thing I was sitting down!’, the best cure for that sort of thing is knitting. Grab yourself some needles and a good ball of yarn. Maybe you can make Allison a sweater, something with her name on it, and hang it in your room so that you are reminded of her first thing when you wake up in the morning every single day.
Who should Crabigale advise next? Comment below, and a young boy from a disadvantaged community will read your comments to her, while another boy from the same community props her up at her desk and wipes the relentless spittle from her mouth as she pens her response.
Enjoyed yourself? Then read this, Stupid:
Didn’t enjoy yourself? You’ll like this from Gregg Siegel:
