Politics
Barney Runs for Head of GOP
Donald Trump’s biggest challenge yet
It’s official: the Purple Dinosaur has gone red.
Banking off the success of the Peacock mini-series I Love You, You Hate Me, Barney the Purple Dinosaur has decided to run for head of the Republican Party. The beloved children’s entertainer adds his name to the multi-car pile-up that now includes Donald Trump, Nikki Haley, and Vivek Ramaswamy.
An unconventional candidate, Barney is Donald Trump’s biggest rival to date. You might even call Barney a Frankenstein’s monster of Trump’s own creation. By showing that it is possible for candidates who are widely popular to succeed in spite of a total lack of experience, Trump has opened the doors of the Oval Office to all manner of American celebrity.
“I’m feeling happy today!” Barney declared from a podium in front of the La Brea tar pits in Los Angeles, a site that still holds the remains of many of the dinosaur’s family and friends. “Do you know what makes me happy? Spending time with the people I love. Do you know what else makes me happy? Lower taxes!”
Policy Platform
Barney went on to elaborate on his support for defunding public schools. “It’s always fun to learn new things! And the best way to learn something new is by watching television!” Even though Barney supports the oil and gas industry (his ancestors are literally fossil fuels), he suggested that planting one billion trees in the next four years “would be a tree-rific idea!”
When CNN’s Kaitlin Collins asked how he would navigate the war between Ukraine and Russia, Barney offered a story from his past.
“You know, I remember when BJ and Bee Bop were fighting over a cardboard box. BJ said it was going to be a fort, and Bee Bop insisted it was her new play house. So I said ‘It seems like we have a problem. You both want to play with the same thing at the same time. Why don’t you take turns!’
“I say let Putin play with Ukraine for a little while, and then Zelenski can have a turn! Maybe after that they can both play with Moldova!”
“Or Poland?” Collins suggested.
“Well sure! Playing with Poland is a great idea Kaitlin! People have had so much fun playing with Poland in the past!”
The purple dinosaur also gave a sneak preview of a possible campaign slogan, when he signed off by saying:
“Let’s make America Super-Dee-Duper again!”
Critical Reception
Barney already has major endorsements from Arnold Schwarzenegger, Henry Kissinger, and former president George W. Bush. The former president literally sang his favorite dinosaur’s praises on Meet the Press Thursday, after being challenged to prove that he still knows all the words to Barney is a Dinosaur.
“The guy’s got style,” Bush said. “And remember, he’s been teaching children how to count for thirty years. Now Barney can count on those children to show up for him at the poles.”
Let’s not forget about the milestone factor. Simply by throwing his hat into the ring, Barney has already become the first anthropomorphic, non-human, and fictional character to seek the highest office in the United States.
Unfortunately the announcement has already caused past controversies to resurface. Barney still refuses to address accusations that he bit a seven-year-old’s head off, consuming the child’s heart and spleen in front of a horrified cast and crew on the set of Barney & Friends in 1993.
Then there’s that pesky string of rumors that he frequently hid drugs in his tail during tapings.
“Mescaline? In my tail? Why that’s just the silliest thing I’ve ever heard!” - Barney, responding to rumors back in 1997.
Donald Trump, meanwhile, is already belittling the beloved tyrannosaurus. “Now they’re telling me that Barney is running against me? Can you believe it? Good luck signing the Preventing Animal Cruelty and Torture act with those little arms, that’s all I’ll say.”
Enjoyed yourself? Then read this, Stupid:
This is a fun one too from Victor Cardenas:
