Practical Tips On How To Really Share Mental Load For Housework & Kids

If you are a woman who is doing the lioness’s share of running the home, family or household, read on and discover how you could get the man or partner in your life to do more.

Even same-sex couples are not immune because one study found that the partner with more feminine interests ends up doing more housework!

Have you heard the men or the better half in your family saying the following:-

“I always help out”

“I do my fair share”

Let’s be honest. Most of the chores are still done by women. Look at the figures. According to a CNN report, about 19% of men are doing housework while the figure for women is 49%. Women are also spending more time than men on the tasks.

I promise you that I am not going to write about the wage gap, gender gap or even paid family leave. These are the elephants in the room and they are far too big to grapple with.

I want to keep this nice and simple.

It’s all about “invisible work”

This is the key issue. Women do all or most of the

• Remembering
• Planning
• Worrying
• Task ownership
• To-do lists
• Back-up and emergencies

This is sometimes called “cognitive labor”, “worry work”, “mental load”, or even “emotional labor.”

What are some of the issues which divide couples?

Many men complain that women are perfectionists in that the smooth running home is a sign of their value and worth. They are right! Women need to let go of that one.

Men also complain that they are the go-to person for all the plumbing, electrical, gardening, mechanical, decorating, carpentry and all the other stuff which women should perhaps appreciate more.

What constitutes a mess? This is a biggie for most couples because we all have different standards. Where do you draw the line if you dare and what are the red flags? Drawers left open, spilled coffee grounds, clothes on the floor?

When J.K. Rowling was asked how she, as a single mother, found the time to write Harry Potter, she replied:-

“I didn’t do housework for four years, living in squalor. That was the answer.”

How can we redress the balance and make life fairer?

For example, we can make a list of all the “worry work” associated with various tasks. Notice how the “worry work” morphs into action. You plan it and then you do it, usually!

• Preparing dinner — stock-taking, planning, shopping, menus,
• Laundry- Keep an eye on the hamper, watch the weather forecast, plan ahead, take in and fold
• Employ home help — find person, interview, organize pay, supervise and deal with daily changes.
• Get kids ready in time for school — clothes decided the night before, ideally!
• Collect kids — Organize timetable, check car, parking, talk to teachers.
• Birthday parties for kids — Plan invites, gifts, catering, and cleanup.

Share passwords

A great way to really share a lot of worry time is to make we have shared our passwords or at least we can at least access them easily on our computers. This, in practice, we can easily do all those tasks when our partner is too busy or vice versa. Here is a list of ours:-

• Email passwords
• Bank accounts
• Car insurance
• Medical portals
• Kids’ school site
• Health insurance
• Utility portals, telephone, and energy contracts/ payments.

We also learned where the settings were on each of our browsers. I prefer Chrome and my partner always uses Firefox. No problems there as we now know how to get access to them when the computer has a temper tantrum when recognizing access details.

Once you have a password manager installed, you can save tons of time. Here is an updated list of password managers for 2020.

Stop taking care of everything

This applies to buying all your own personal stuff. That means anything from bathroom supplies to shoes and clothes. It also applies to calling your own friends and relatives. This reduces worry time considerably. It also means I will not be plagued with trying to remember my partner’s hairspray brand.

There’s an app for that! My favorite one is WunderList which is soon to become Microsoft To Do. The best thing is that you can easily set up tasks, duplicate them and then check them off when they are done.

If you want to see an updated list of apps for 2020, look at this helpful list.

Forget reminders if you can!

Perhaps this is the most difficult of all because you notice something has not been done or is behind ( beyond?) schedule. Tempted to nag? Don’t, but it is not easy.

Get the kids involved

When we were young, we were responsible for certain tasks and that also required some worry work for us as we got older. Deciding when to cut the grass and keeping an eye on the weather and organizing the fuel for the fire in the living room.

It is great to get kids involved in certain jobs from an early age. As they get older, you can encourage them to take on some of the mental load as well.

Teach each other skills

This can be anything from cooking, gardening, shopping tricks, fixing washing machines. You both have skills that will be so valuable when an emergency arises and they do. Or when you have to step in as a back-up.

Flexibility is key

This is all very well in theory but you need to be flexible and plan in advance as family events and changes loom.

• New baby
• Injury or illness
• Change job
• Business trip
• Holidays

Half the battle is getting your partner on board and convincing them that it is not just the actual physical labor. It’s the emotional labor. Good luck!

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