Parenting ADHD Kids Without Screaming Or Yelling

Is your home scream- free?

Anger issues are never easy to resolve but shouting only makes them worse. Your home has to be a scream free zone.

If you get this right, all the rest falls into place easily. If you get it wrong and give in to yelling and meltdowns, you become part of the problem and not the solution.

You will be severely tested but if you maintain calmness, then you are on a winning streak. It is useful to remember that at all times especially when your child is having a meltdown.

Before you scream…

There are some useful techniques you can adopt in order to maintain the scream free home.

First, have you tried sitting down and putting your feet up? Once you do that, it is very hard to start yelling. Don’t know exactly why but shouting seems to thrive on the vertical posture. Adopt the horizontal position — much safer and quieter!

Another great strategy is not to get involved! Let us say your kid is screaming or demanding something. All you have to do is absent yourself from the scene of the crime. Find another space.

Time outs for parents — not kids

How many times have I read on ADHD blogs and forums that the standard time out is one minute per age of the child? A six-year-old child will be left alone for six minutes.

But actually, with ADHD kids, this rarely works because the child is less mature and too distracted. One suggestion is that as their maturity seems to be about 30% behind those of normal kids, then a four-minute time out would be better for a six-year-old child and so on. Time outs for ADHD kids may work — they may not.

Usually time outs are much more effective for stressed-out parents! The child knows from the behavior contract that you have set up with him that unless he is reasonable and calm, then you cannot and will not talk to him.

Also, he knows that he alone is responsible for his actions and knows the consequences and that applies to us parents as well. Many parents seeking help with ADHD children never realize this.

“When little people are overwhelmed by big emotions, it’s our job to share our calm, not join their chaos.” ― L.R. Knost

Love them and support them

Many kids on looking back on their ADHD and their parents were quite critical because there was a lack of support and also a shortage of prime time. As parents, we have to be able to give them prime one-on-one time every day, without neglecting siblings.

How much support?

Do we mean that we should help them all we can? It depends. For example, we should not be doing their homework for them.

Setting up a routine, helping them break down tasks and being there while you do your own work is support.

Also, helping him or her build in breaks and small rewards for progress made is great.

As regards discipline and behavior problems, it is hard to draw the line when we realize that children with ADHD have such variable moods and can flare up at the slightest provocation.

We also feel slightly guilty if we are not making more allowances for the child’s limitations. The key here is making sure that you have set up coping mechanisms and that you are not going to be in the driver’s seat all the time. You are in the passenger seat and that is the support we are talking about.

Setting limits and boundaries

As regards your basic limits on behavior, there has got to be a bottom line. These can include things like following the structure and routine for bedtime, behavior at mealtimes, limits on media time, homework routines, tidying rooms and so on.

Most experts agree that all these should be imposed in a calm and supportive manner and they should be pressure-free. That means that there are no:-

• threats (veiled or otherwise)
• no hostility, bad temper or sulkiness on the parents’ part
• no unreasonable deadlines
• no delay in doling out consequences

How you give instructions will make or break you

Lots of parents give out requests which are very vague, especially for a child with ADHD. We should always try to make the request/action as specific as we can.

“Please start your reading assignment” instead of “Get on with your homework.”

We also need to stop giving a string of instructions such as:-

“When you are ready, get your lunch box and meet me at the garage.”

Kids who have attention problems are bound to forget one or two of these.

Asking kids to repeat the instructions can also be useful.

Also, “Play nicely” is too vague.

Try “Remember to give your friend her turn when you play the video game.”

We also need to get down to eye level and avoid giving or shouting instructions from another room! Calm and quiet instructions are more likely to be imitated by the kids as they are great copycats.

A scream free home!

“Even a thousand loud lies become powerless in front of one calm truth.” ― Abhijit Naskar, Human Making is Our Mission: A Treatise on Parenting