Power of the Pussy, Indeed!

On getting filmdom fame from a squat and a thrust.

I have a vehement, and yes, somewhat unreasonable dislike of screenwriter, Diablo Cody, aka Brooke Busey-Maurio, aka, “I wrote about my pussy and that’s how I broke into Hollywood.”

If you recognize her painfully pretentious pen name, then you probably know her from the even more painfully pretentious film, Juno, of which she was the screenwriter. And, for which she won the Academy Award for Best Original Screenplay in 2008.

Yes, folks. Right out of the gate.

After watching this piece of over-hyped caca — and I apologize to those who enjoyed the film — I was never more certain that Hollywood has its swollen head firmly stuck up its collective ass.

Am I envious? Yes. Jealous, even? Certainly. Because, I have been beating my head against the wall in my attempt to become a working screenwriter, and have come so close…only to be roundly kicked in the ass, time and again.

Cody’s steppingstone to fame was her blog documenting her “journey” as a stripper, called “The Pussy Ranch.”

Pussy-flavored Ranch dressing? Now there’s a thought. Hidden Valley: Pay attention.

A big shot literary agent happened upon “The Pussy Ranch,” and persuaded Cody to write a memoir. In 2005, she penned and published “Candy Girl. A Year in the Life of an Unlikely Stripper.”

How’s this for a break? Even though Cody had never written for television, STEVEN SPIELBERG hired her to write a pilot for Showtime. I vomited a little in my mouth just writing this.

This may seem hypocritical, but I’ve actually watched Juno several times in an attempt to spot the “magic,” to feel what the whole rest of the fucking viewing world, was feeling, apparently. But, I have to say: No teenager I’ve ever met talks like Cody’s protagonist. NOT. ONE.

Maybe that, in and of itself, is Juno’s appeal. A total disregard for reality.

In the film, the 16-year-old and pregnant, Juno’s scenes with the wonderful Jason Bateman are especially painful, as they discuss the merits of various bands (Juno’s faves: Patti Smith, The Runaways, Stooges), and directors of horror films, (Juno’s fave: Dario Argento). I’m sorry, but none of this rings true for me.

Maybe it’s the star, Ellen Page’s delivery of Cody’s lines. I think Page is an excellent, intuitive actress, but I wanted to slap the shit out of her fifteen minutes into the film.

Check out her response to finding a pile of dead cacti in a corner of her room:

And I’m like, “Thanks a heap, Coyote Ugly. This cactus-gram stings even worse than your abandonment.”

Hell. Go nuke a “Hot Pocket,” for Christ’s sake.

It would be an outright lie to say I didn’t like anything about Juno. The cast is first-rate. Aside from Page and Bateman, there’s the poignant Jennifer Garner, Michael Cera, who is hilarious as Juno’s boyfriend and father of her baby, and the always reliable Allison Janney and J.K. Simmons as Juno’s stepmother and father.

Even though she annoys the hell out of me, I’ve decided I need to learn from Diablo Cody. Maybe follow her example. I was particularly struck by an interview she gave to The Wrap about how she “punked the establishment.” I’m taking note of the following, in particular:

“To me what makes this especially funny is that I spent years making an ass out of myself before I became a public figure, so that’s part of who I am. I don’t think there is a detail of my life in my twenties that I did not share with anyone who cared to know. I had this kind of dirty, weird little blog called The Pussy Ranch. It was a little like an experiment, like I was an open-source human in some way.

I think maybe it comes from growing up in a fairly conservative atmosphere and being shushed all the time. Then you grow up and say, Oh, I wasn’t allowed to see R-rated movies, so now I’m going to make them.

I was always being told to cross my legs when I sat down; well, now I’m gonna take my pants off. The blog was an opportunity to try on a totally different persona. I just invented this name and this life and ran with it.”

And here, I thought having talent would be my ticket to fame and fortune.

That said, I believe I, too, have spent years making an ass out of myself. Even on this platform. But, maybe, the answer is, I need to make an even bigger ass out of myself. A ginormous ass. Follow Cody’s lead and “try on a totally different persona.” Re-invent myself, so to speak, and blog about it.

Hmmmm. Who should I be, I wonder? Forget stripper, pole dancer, stuff like that. Old and tired. Rodeo clown? Uber-sexy cougar? Oxy-addicted Carny? (That one has possibilities as I’m fascinated by carnies.)

The more I think about this, the more I can see the possibilities. “Sherry McGuinn” is boring. I need to come up with a whole new “me.” Someone who can spew words that instantly go viral. Someone so titillating and “of the moment” that Hollywood won’t be able to resist me.

If I decide to go the sex route, what more can be said about pussy, after all? Hasn’t it all been regurgitated, ad nauseam even here, on Medium?

Maybe…I pretend to be a woman with two pussies! I was born this way! Two holes that can service two guys at once! Talk about “getting your freak on.”

What would I call this blog? “Pussy Squared?” “Pussy Galore?” I don’t know. I’m so confused. My head is starting to hurt.

I could also write about missed, or blown opportunities. “Fucked Again. My life as an abject failure.” Too harsh, maybe?

Another possibility. I could adopt a fake persona as a Medium curator. Blog about what it’s like to weed through a pile of stink-bombs every day. And, how hurtful it is to be vilified by writers like Sherry McGuinn, who gets angry when said stinkers are routinely curated, while she is routinely…ignored. Boo the fuck hoo.

Nah. That won’t work. “Curators: I hope you know I’m kidding. I love Medium. I love you. In fact, I’ll have a three-four-or even a five-way with you, if it would make you happy. Whatever it takes. Just get in touch. You know where to find me.”

Short of this, I’m spent. But, I’m deadly serious about the reinvention thing. I want to see where it goes. So, I’m going to ask you, my Medium brothers and sisters — and friends — for your suggestions.

How do you see me? Who should I be?

Sherry McGuinn is a slightly-twisted, longtime Chicago-area writer and award-winning screenwriter. Her work has appeared in The Chicago Tribune, Chicago Sun-Times, and numerous other publications. Sherry’s manager is currently pitching her newest screenplay, a drama with dark, comedic overtones and inspired by a true story.

Thanks for putting up with me. If you’re ready for more: