Where Have All the Fun Jobs Gone?

Hell. I’ll jerk your soda.

Soda jerks. Remember them? Of course, I’m way too young to have actually encountered one, but, I’ve seen Soda Jerks in old black and white movies. Genial, fresh-faced lads who manned drugstore counters making, well…ice cream sodas.

The “jerk” moniker was inspired by the action involved with pulling the soda draft arm.

The name may be a little iffy, but that’s what I call a fun gig. Not only did they get to play with ice cream, but soda jerks made people happy! Does writing about SEO make people happy? Or blockchain? Or “management systems,” whatever the hell those are?

Not this camper.

As I Indeed my way through my morning coffee, I’m struck by a sudden desire to go back to the sack. That’s how snooze-inducing the job postings are. Every fucking one of them. At least the postings for writers, which are the only ones I scroll through.

It’s funny: The manner in which many of these “opportunities” are written would make one believe that employers are trying to repel candidates, not attract them.

“Content writer” ads are ubiquitous on Indeed, but, unfortunately, often times, we’re given no clue as to what that content is.

Shit. I’m reading and scrolling and I still don’t get it. What do you want me to write about? The latest iPhone apps? Health Insurance? CBD oil? Sex toys? Carnies?

And, nearly always, after reading through the endless list of responsibilities and “must-haves,” piled upon the witless job seeker, there is nary a mention of what the employer is prepared to offer — except a paycheck.

Speaking of pay, I’ve noticed that employers rarely use the phrase, “competitive salary,” these days. Is that because it’s an outright lie and we slugs should be happy to take whatever we can get? Or, is it fallout from Trump’s America? (“We’re doing great!”)

Sure, we are. If so, show us the money. It’s as simple as that.

I understand that, by the very nature of the word, “work,” that, we don’t head for the office expecting good times. But, what’s wrong with lightening things up a bit, so that employees don’t want to shoot themselves in the head after eight-plus hours on the job?

Before being acquired by a soul-less corporate entity, my former employer provided what I thought was a fun working environment. The clients were about as exciting as a fart in the wind, but, my co-workers were a raucous group, and the physical aspect, itself, was comfortable in that we toiled in actual cubicles. When cubes had sides and walls and actually gave the illusion of privacy. As opposed to the “stalls,” or even lack thereof, in modern, “open workspaces.”

My cube was so large, in fact, that I had room for a six-foot, fake Ficus tree, which I strung with tiny, clear, “Italian lights,” two visitor chairs, and all sorts of other accouterments. I loved that cube. Because the room itself wasn’t overly bright — no horrible fluorescent lighting — I had lamps that gave off just the right amount of illumination and ambiance.

The only thing missing was a bar set-up.

I even had one of those three-way folding screens that a co-worker bought me. Just, because! I loved it. I used it outside my cube as a “door,” whenever I needed to be in the zone.

My cube. I loved it. I felt cozy in it.

We had free pizza and other junk food on Fridays too, which was kind of cool. Except when people started lining up at ten am. Not so cool.

“Open workspaces.” Do you really want to sit at a long table, asshole to elbow, with your co-workers? With not even a screen to separate you?

Employers think this inspires creativity and interaction when really, they just want to keep an eye on you. Because Big Brother is watching, every minute, counting the times you go to the john to pick your nose, so be forewarned.

As much as I want a gig, I’d go crazy in that kind of environment. I value my privacy, or, at least, the illusion of it.

The thing about “fun” jobs is, they usually don’t pay very well. Walking dogs would be a blast, but can a person actually make a living at it?

Or, the aforementioned “carny.” That could be fun, right? In between hooking people up with rides that might potentially kill them, you could be getting shit-faced drunk, stoned, or both, behind the Porta Potties. Sign me up!

Could the absence of “fun” be responsible for so much employee dissatisfaction? According to a recent Gallup poll, thirty percent of U.S. workers are engaged with their jobs, another fifty percent are “non-engaged,” and twenty percent are “actively disengaged.” This indicates that, not only do people hate their jobs, they’re completely checking out.

Obvious factors for this include working longer hours for less pay, along with the inability to “turn work off,” due to advanced technology and mobile devices. You shouldn’t have to check your work email after five or six, but hell, everyone does it, so everyone’s fucked.

Maybe, working long hours wouldn’t be so terrible if people enjoyed what they did.

Remember the 90s? A decade brimming with super-cool, fun jobs, like:

Starbucks Barista

Pour coffee. Listen to music. Engage with over-caffeinated customers.

Sam Goody

Working at a music store. What’s not to love?

Hot Topic Clerk

The natural progression after Claire’s Boutique.

Ben & Jerry’s Scooper

Like a soda jerk, but way cooler.

Blockbuster

Working here allowed you to take home movies and video games, whenever.

Pager Salesperson

Hawked by super-hip young people in mall kiosks.

Movie Theater Employee

Stuff your face with popcorn and watch movies for free. I mean — c’mon.

Fun jobs existed “back in the day,” too. Way back. Take a look at some of the gigs that got the giggles:

Herb Strewer

In the 1600s, personal hygiene wasn’t a “thing,” so, to combat its lack, people known as “herb strewers,” were appointed to spread aromatic herbs and flowers throughout royal family residences to mask the scent of disgusting odors. Plants commonly used were basil, lavender, chamomile and roses. Perhaps, today, it would be Kush.

Toad Doctor

In the 19th century, sick Brits relied on this form of folk medicine. Patients with scrofula, or tuberculosis of the neck, were said to be cured after wearing either a living or dead toad in a muslin bag around their neck. For said “doctors,” this had to take about two days of schooling. Max.

Bowling Alley Pin Setters

Just what it sounds like: Prior to automated pin retrieval and set-up machines, pins had to be removed and replaced manually, at each turn. These pinsetters, or “pin boys,” because typically, young boys were employed, would hang out at the end of the lanes and manually reset the pins. And, sneak “Lucky Strikes.”

Soda Jerk

My favorite: Bow ties. White paper hats. Ice cream sodas. What’s not to love?

Radio Actors

Between the 1920s and 1950s, radio drama was a leading form of entertainment. An audio format forced listeners to rely on music, sound effects, and dialogue, hence the need for actors, many of whom made the jump to television. Credit today’s podcasts for sparking new interest in these audio dramas.

Elevator Operator

You went up; you went down; you met new people. While sitting on your ass, much of the time. Talk about low stress.

Town Crier

If you had a loud voice and a bell, you were good to go. Mainly in the U.K., town criers were used to distribute important news of the day to the townspeople. The down side: When the news was shite, the town crier needed protection. This is where the phrase, “Don’t shoot the messenger,” comes from.

Milkman

In the 1950s, the milkman was a common site. Every morning, like clockwork, he’d deliver bottles and jugs filled to the brim with…wait for it…milk. He also delivered other essentials like butter and eggs. Imagine: Fresh air, friendly faces along the route — not a bad way to earn a buck. Unfortunately, with the rise of home refrigeration, the now ubiquitous milkman had to find another form of income, like book peddler.

I’d be remiss if I didn’t state that some people actually love their jobs, enjoy their jobs. Have fun, even. I just don’t know any. I wish I did. Maybe they’d talk me up to HR, but I doubt it.

I’ve been jerked around too many times.

Sherry McGuinn is a longtime Chicago-area writer and award-winning screenwriter. Her work has appeared in The Chicago Tribune, Chicago Sun-Times, and numerous other publications. Sherry’s manager is currently pitching her newest screenplay, a drama with dark, comedic overtones and inspired by a true story.

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