Possible Things My Dog May Be Barking at After I Am Forced to Let Her Outside at Three O’Clock in the Morning

Neighborhood Cat

Likely feral.

Swiper

Swiper is one of our cats and is so over her barking that she doesn’t even seem to notice. Maybe she’s deaf? I don’t know. But she also doesn’t seem to give a damn about people or personal hygiene. Come to think of it, maybe she is feral.

Rose

Another one of our cats. Used to be a stray. Named him before we took him to the vet. Bark at him all you want. He eats dog food and knows how to get in and out of the house without human assistance. Badass.

Squirrel

Especially in the early autumn when they are extremely active. It is not early autumn anymore. You are not fooling anyone, dog.

Ghost

I don’t believe in ghosts but whatever.

Skunk

Please no. I have had to deal with a skunked dog once in my past and trust me when I say there is nothing that terrifies me more.

Zombie

I don’t believe in zombies either but have included them here to illustrate that skunks are way scarier than zombies. I don’t give a shit about zombies, but I have weekly nightmares about washing the goddamn skunk spray off my goddamn dog.

Turkey

Our city is full of wild turkeys. There are so many wild turkeys here that people are getting irritable about it. I actually think it’s kind of fun to have turkeys walking around causing havoc. New city motto: “Keep Spokane Full of Turkey Shit.”

Raccoon

There is a family of raccoons that live in a tree or on the roof of a house across the street from us. They are cute. I saw one the other day frozen and staring at me as if hoping I wouldn’t see her, just standing there on her little hind legs like a furry bandit person. I get that I’m not supposed to like the fact that we have raccoons in our neighborhood, but they are adorable.

Newspaper Delivery Driver

Usually not here until later but maybe it’s Monday’s paper and they practically have that thing ready to go out Saturday night.

Pizza

I don’t know. It’s three o’clock in the morning. You don’t think it’s possible she could be barking at pizza? Listen to me. It makes sense. I mean, it’s pizza. Wouldn’t you be barking at pizza at three o’clock in the morning? She could easily be barking at pizza.

Nothing

Not a goddamn thing. Honestly get the hell back in the house. I could really use the sleep.