Eleven Things I Learned from a Skunk

Summary

The author recounts a humorous and educational experience involving a skunk encounter with their dogs, detailing the ensuing chaos and the effective method they discovered to neutralize skunk odor.

Abstract

In "Eleven Things I Learned from a Skunk," the author shares a personal anecdote about the unexpected visit of a skunk to their backyard, which resulted in one of their dogs getting sprayed. The narrative unfolds the misadventures that follow, including the ineffective attempts to contain the situation, the intense and toxic nature of skunk spray, and the subsequent impact on the household, including the marital strain caused by the incident. The author debunks the myth of tomato juice as a remedy and instead provides a chemical solution involving hydrogen peroxide, baking soda, and liquid soap to break down the thiols responsible for the skunk's odor. Despite the lingering smell and the initial tension, the experience ultimately reaffirms the strength of the author's marriage and their ability to learn from unexpected events.

Opinions

The author suggests that a skunk's ability to create misdirection is a masterful defense mechanism.
Skunk odor is described as extremely toxic and unpleasant, unlike any other smell.
Waking up to a skunked dog is portrayed as an unforgivable offense, causing terror and marital discord.
The common advice of using tomato juice to remove skunk odor is considered ineffective and is humorously criticized.
The author reflects on the futility of running away from the problem, as the skunk odor permeates everything.
The recommended hydrogen peroxide solution is presented as the most effective method for dealing with skunk spray, despite its potential to temporarily alter a dog's fur color.
The author humorously laments the persistence of skunk odor, comparing it to the lingering smell of leftover pizza.
The experience leads the author to conclude that their marriage is resilient and that they have learned valuable lessons from the ordeal.

Eleven Things I Learned from a Skunk

1. Due to their odor seeming to be everywhere at once, a skunk is a master at misdirection for certain excitable personalities, but its last line of defense (spraying) is also one of the most effective on earth. After letting the two of them into the back yard, the dog who first noticed the skunk and who was therefore chasing around the yard as if she’d been set free inside a nuclear accelerator was not actually the dog that was in danger of being sprayed or “skunked.” She’d been hoodwinked into thinking the skunk was over there and over there and over there all at the same time.

The second, slower, lumbering dog, big and black and just barely aware that there was reason for such a racket in the first place, accidentally surprised and cornered the skunk where it had taken refuge near the minivan.

While I expended my energy and attention calling and cajoling the first dog — “Sadie… knock it off… get back in here…” — the second dog had sprinted back to the house in a panic, already past me and now inside, visiting her new odor upon every room and occupant, attempting to remove said odor by rubbing against all available surfaces: carpet, bed, blanket, stair, door, spouse.

2. Skunk odor is one of the top ten most-toxic odors known to humankind, behind… well, behind nothing I know. It reminds me of nothing humanly imaginable. Like spoiled and burning all-season radials. But worse. And how do you spoil all-season radials anyway? And you have to concentrate that smell in ways indescribable,as if skunks are using odor technology at least twenty-five years into the future.

You know the Pepe Le Pew cartoons where Pepe walks into a scene and all the people run away, screaming in terror? I never really understood exactly why they did that until my dog was skunked. Then I understood perfectly well. Running? Screaming? Terror? This is an under-reaction.

3. Spouses do not enjoy being woken by dog/skunk in their faces. Giant black dog becomes giant black skunk in moments. “There’s a skunk in the house! Where are the keys to the car? We have to get out of here.” Running. Screaming. Terror.

4. In fact, being woken by skunked dog is an unforgivable offense to the olfactory and nervous systems. Dog snout with skunk odor in your face as you attempt to nullify the cobwebs of REM sleep? Could you ever forget and/or forgive such an alarm? Maybe spiders in your mouth or scorpions in your eye would be worse. Maybe.

5. If your dog unwittingly does get sprayed by a skunk do not, by any means, allow your dog into the house. Excuses such as “but I was trying to get Sadie back into the house… she was running around like an electron” do not hold any water at all. If you are married, your marriage is in danger. Perhaps even your life.

6. The often-recommended solution to skunk odor on your dog — a tomato juice bath — does nothing for your dog but make them smell like a skunk that’s had one too many Bloody Marys. The odor of a skunk that has had one too many Bloody Marys is not actually much more pleasant than the skunk odor was to begin with. Furthermore, this ruins your enjoyment of Bloody Marys forever.

7. Actual Bloody Marys at 3 o’clock in the morning don’t help eliminate the odor either. This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have them. They may help to not care quite as much about the odor (if you consume them in sufficient quantity), though you will still have to contend with that odor once you sober up. They might also help sooth your conscience over the fact that you let the dog into the house in the first place, but they will not help if your spouse calls from the hotel to see how you’re doing with cleaning up the odor and all you can manage to tell her is how many “Hearts” your “Skunked Spouse Post” has on “The Face Books.”

8. To eliminate the skunk odor, you have to break down the thiols. Instead of tomato juice or Bloody Marys, try the following solution. (Though I originally grabbed this recipe in a panic from the internet, I don’t remember which site to give credit, but you can easily find verification of this recipe elsewhere.)

1 quart of 3% fresh hydrogen peroxide
1/4 cup baking soda
1 teaspoon of liquid soap

These measurements do not have to be exact. And they likely won’t be, because the odor still on your dog even after you procure all these ingredients is going to make you insane.

In any case, do the best you can. Mix the ingredients together in a bucket and immediately wash your dog with it. (Do this outside.See number five. And wear latex gloves if you can tolerate them or your pores will smell of skunk for longer than you can possibly imagine.) Pour cupfuls of the solution onto your dog and massage the mixture into her fur. Leave the solution on your dog for ten minutes or so, and keep it out of your dog’s eyes, then rinse with water. As the oxygen releases from the hydrogen peroxide, it sort of scrubs away the odor — a bit. Don’t expect miracles. There are no miracles to be had, except the miraculously bad odor on your dog.

9. Black dogs may become somewhat orange after using the above solution. Not badly orange. Just orange enough. I was tempted to call my big black dog “Red.” Except this didn’t actually seem funny until she wasn’t really orange anymore. Too bad. I’ve always kind of wanted a dog named Red.

10. Skunk odor lingers.

[S]kunk spray is composed mainly of three low-molecular-weight thiol compounds, (E)-2-butene-1-thiol, 3-methyl-1-butanethiol, and 2-quinolinemethanethiol, as well as acetate thioesters of these. These compounds are detectable by the human nose at concentrations of only 10 parts per billion. (Wikipedia: Skunk)

Weeks after the The Skunking I caught a whiff of skunk inside my house and wondered — ridiculously — if the skunk had returned. But it was just the lingering odor, still in almost every room. Detectable in consentrations of only 10 parts per billion? That’s one strong odor, and it really really really lingers, longer even than the odor of leftover pizza in the fridge. You probably know how how that odor really lingers too, especially at lunch time (it is not my imagination). I could have sworn there was another slice of pizza in there somewhere.

Did one of my kids eat it?

Did I?

11. My marriage is stronger than I thought it was. I knew it was pretty strong, but this might have tested it more than anything before or since. I remained married, even months (okay, years) after the skunk left us, and I still have the dogs. I don’t let the dogs outside at night anymore without first making a heck of a racket against the back door to scare away prowling polecats. This proves that I can be taught, and that I can live in a world inhabited by dogs, skunks and spouses. There are other challenges, to be sure, but so long as I can be taught, I may just survive them.