Playing Dodge with Stumbling Blocks

Creative Non-Fiction — on Resiliency

I’ve lived a lifetime strafed with stumbling blocks. In my youth, I could dodge them, if I were swift enough, or at least climb over or dig a tunnel under them. None of them ever fell close enough to topple me — this left me with a sense of resilience. Surely I could overcome anything, right?

O to have the luxury of childhood naivety again.

And yet it was true. I survived my childhood illness, overcame my loss of memory, forged my way through school to graduate a year early and even escaped a brutal first marriage — all of this before my twentieth birthday. I truly believed I was invincible. And that was how I lived my life — flitting from one relationship to another, from one job to another, bouncing among friends and maintaining resilience. Very little tore me down in those days.

By my twenty-fifth birthday, I made a decision that eventually altered my life’s course — I went off to college. I dabbled with higher education when I was eighteen, attended three semesters studying Business Management, but I knew that held no real interest for me. I dropped out and went on with my life. Six years later, though, all I could think about was getting an education in the fields that did interest me — creative writing, art and history. And for the next nine years, I excelled, receiving an Associates degree, a Bachelors and a Masters. I encountered a few stumbling blocks along the way, but just minute ones that were more like pebbles than giant boulders — some minor relationships and break-ups, finding jobs I could do between my heavy case load of school work, keeping a roof over my head. None of these were too troublesome. I was still quite resilient.

Yet, lurking just below the surface was a beast so vile, I would spend decades crushed between its jaws, often begging for death.

Around my thirty-fourth birthday, my life descend on a course that still affects me even today, twenty years later. Fresh out of college, I was offered an editing job in New York City for a publishing firm. All I needed was my college transcripts. And BAM! A huge boulder fell on top of me. Due to a mix-up at my college, I owed them a tonne of money. They withheld my transcripts and, because I couldn’t afford to pay the bill off right away, I was unable to get the editing job I so desired. I was forced to continue the same types of low paying jobs I’d worked throughout my time in college. I also sank into the worst depression of my life. Nothing made sense and I didn’t care about life anymore.

Resilience became feathers blown away by the wind.

I will admit that the past twenty years have not been complete defeats. Yes, I’ve had moments of depression and suicidal ideation. I’ve been in and out of psych hospitals more times than I care to remember, and I am still in therapy to this day. However, my ideas concerning resilience have changed. I no longer measure my resiliency by how quickly I bounce back or how well I’ve dodged a stumbling block. These days, if I manage to get out of bed, engage with people, and write — something, anything — I feel resilient. I am still being bombed by stumbling blocks — some the size of pebbles, others the size of mountains, but what’s different now is that I know my limitations and I know the value of pushing through them. I no longer have the strength to climb some of them or dig tunnels under others, but each day, I push ever so slightly or on days like today, I push until I am exhausted. And then I sleep.

©2020 Lori Carlson. All Rights Reserved.

A big thank you to Diana C. for this wonderful prompt on Resilience.

Lori Carlson writes poetry, fiction, articles and personal essays. Most of her topics are centered around Relationships, Spirituality, Life Lessons, Mental Health, and the LGBTQ+ community. She currently writes for Illumination,💜The POM💜 , The Friday Fix, House of Haiku, Know Thyself, Heal Thyself, The Purple Pen, Tempest in Under 1000, The Weekly Knob, The Rebel Poets Society, Heart Revolution, Share the Love, Spiritual Tree, Soul & Sea, and Written Tales.