Peru and Ayahuasca Diaries
August 17th, Thursday — The Fire
Time: 01:55
We went to our beds around 7:00 p.m. yesterday because it was not the ceremony day. We are not able to stay outside, because mosquitoes are going crazy after sunset. I woke up about half an hour ago, and I don’t know if I’ll manage to go back to sleep.
The happiness induced by Ayahuasca disappeared during the long afternoon, giving way to anxiety. The days here are very long, time moves slowly. Due to the heat and the mosquitoes, people usually can’t be around. Except for mealtimes and short periods for walks, there’s no other thing to do. The whole point of the camp is to meditate within the clarity Ayahuasca provides, observing the flow of the emotions. During these long hours that you are all alone, reading seems to be the best thing to do. However, if you want to fully embrace the ayahuasca effect, perhaps it would be better not to read something like a novel, listen to music, or watch something you’ve previously downloaded.
During the last couple of days, I was playing a simple brick game on my cell phone. It was keeping my hands busy while I was thinking. It’s always difficult for me to just sit still without doing anything. Even at home, while watching something, listening, or thinking, I’m also playing a game on the side.
I watched some of the content I had downloaded from YouTube. They were few, and to be honest, I actually didn’t have the patience to listen to such things. I sat still for a bit and played the silly game a little more. Then suddenly I deleted all the games from my phone, saying, “Is the most suitable activity you chose for yourself, carrying brick stones?” (Then, I regretted this decision when I had nothing to do, but it was too late)
Being trapped without escape to social media and other content, and just standing under the heat, simply pausing — I believe that’s the ultimate test of this. It’s incredibly, incredibly difficult.
There are so many things in my daily life that I can escape to. Being constantly engaged with something, following two different pieces of content simultaneously, and eating non-stop, these things are all killing me. On the other hand, they allow me to spend time without facing myself; in a “comfortable numb”. Living that way is something like a rat biting your ears and nose without you feeling something. When you realize something wrong, it’s usually too late.
Time is going so slowly. I looked at the photos on my phone for a while. Looking at the photos gave me even more sorrow. What is happening or has happened in my life, my loved ones, those I don’t love…
In the middle of the night, with no sleep and nothing to do, I’m writing all of these with the light of my mobile. I don’t have any plans for the remaining 4 hours until sunrise; I hope to sleep, but it doesn’t seem to be possible.
…
The second ceremony is over; there are two more to go. I don’t know if the remaining two ceremonies will or can provide any information about what to do with the rest of my life.
So, I don’t know if traveling all these miles and enduring all these difficulties will take me to a specific point in my lifetime. There are no magic wands. You only may find some small tools (like some mentors, techniques, information, etc) to help you find your way, on your own path. But you always have to find the way yourself. And life is passing while you search for it. And those who don’t ask or think may be more advantageous somehow. Because everyone’s total journey is actually the same, more or less.
Time: 11:50
A bushfire broke out. Just before lunch, I was about to leave my room when I saw large flames approaching from just outside our property. I saw Margreth moving her belongings from her hut to the maloca, and some people were helping her empty the flammable items like mattresses and hammocks from the cabin. Probably, the neighboring land had set dry grass on fire, and the flames had rapidly spread over a large area due to the heat and wind.
Through this incident, we realized that there were no fire extinguishers at the Center. They used axes to cut down the grass around the burning area, and we all helped to carry buckets of water. We managed to control the flames near our property in about an hour. However, the fire continued outside the area until the evening. In fact, the following day, during our walk, we still saw trees smoldering. We learned that there is no fire department in Pucallpa, and there is a lack of manpower. The fire was left to extinguish itself.
Another interesting piece of information I learned today is as follows: When participants are accepted to this Center Ronin Sina, they first fill out a preliminary application form through the Center’s website. Then, a Norwegian guy named Jonas conducts an interview with them. To participate in the interview, an additional $50 fee is paid, and in the interview held via Zoom, candidates are asked detailed questions about their health conditions, medication use, and addictions. Accepted candidates receive a comprehensive handbook that details all the processes and what should and shouldn’t be done before, during, and after ayahuasca. But my case is totally different. I learned about Ronin Sina thanks to one of my friends, who was here five years ago. She introduced me to Emilio via Facebook Messenger and told him that I’d arrive. I didn’t have any questions at that time, except for the transportation details from Pucallpa to Ronin Sina, and Emilio didn’t ask me anything. For instance, I decided to give up my antidepressant before coming here was my idea, and I was already too late to give up. I’ve learned that all the information I’ve learned from Tom and Margreth over the past few days is written in the Center’s handbook. Actually, I believe Emilio took a significant risk by not asking me anything and not referring me to an interview for both my sake and the sake of other participants. I might not have been emotionally stable or might have had a physical condition causing trouble. Before coming, I did a lot of research, read many things, and watched a lot. But there is still a lot I didn’t know.
This one-week process with ayahuasca, without proper comfort and without the close monitoring of an expert, is no joke; it’s a very extreme experience. Therefore, I strongly recommend anyone who wants to go through such an experience to be thoroughly informed in advance. I’m leaving the Ronin Sina handbook link as a useful resource for information about the processes.
