Peru and Ayahuasca Diaries
August 18th, Friday — The Slap of the 3rd Ceremony
The third ceremony yesterday was awful.
Originally, what I was thinking was to take a slightly higher dose in this session and drink a full cup. But when Emilio was giving me my shot, he said, “This is very strong medicine; that one will be enough for you” and gave me three-quarters of a cup again. I’m glad he prevented me from taking more. I feel like I would have either died or gone mad if I’d drunk a full cup.
My visions were far from clear; I don’t know what I saw. Shortly after taking ayahuasca, my mouth, hands, arms, and legs all went completely numb. What followed was constant physical and spiritual agony.
After having the medicine, I writhed in my place, experienced cramps, and groaned loudly throughout the ceremony. I puked. However, this time, puking was painful and difficult. As I was suffering, I thought, “What if I never get better and I remain like this?” It was such a horrific nightmare, and even if the risk of remaining this way is minuscule, what kind of person takes such a risk?! I remember thinking this even during those painful moments of agony.
After a while, I felt my bowels getting active and needed to go to the bathroom. But it was impossible to get up from my spot. I tried to crawl towards the door, but I couldn’t find my way. In my struggles to reach the door, I lost my direction and suddenly found myself next to Margreth on my left side. I say “found” because I realized I was there with Margreth’s scream in the dark. I couldn’t speak properly because my mouth was numb. I told her I needed to go to the bathroom. Margreth was more conscious as she had taken a very low dose. She said, “Don’t leave this room, do it where you are, you can clean it in the morning.” I barely crawled back to my spot. It took me some time to find my mattress, and I managed to mumble a weak “help me” from my numb mouth, but no one else heard it. I did my business in the room and right in the puke bowl. The room was entirely dark, and we were quite far from each other. But I think it was one of the most humiliating things I have ever experienced. Especially since I had read about diarrhea and vomiting among the effects of ayahuasca, I had thought in advance about what to do if I needed to go to the bathroom and believed that I could go outside. But sometimes things don’t work as you plan.
Later, I relaxed a bit.
The ceremony ended around 12:30 a.m. After Emilio left, Tom and Margreth kept talking continuously, but my brain was entirely out of order, and I didn’t understand a word. I couldn’t get up from my spot, but sleeping through these conversations was also impossible. Finally, I asked Tom to help me. He helped me get up and walked with me to my room. During this short walk, he showed me the stars in the sky. All the pain and humiliation during that ceremony, hours of nightmare, me struggling with difficulty. Dark sky and infinite stars. The touch of the earth and grass…
Exhausted, I collapsed onto my bed.
However, I could only sleep until 4 in the morning. It’s approaching 7 AM now, and I’m very tired.
Tonight is the final ceremony. I hope Emilio doesn’t bring this strong medicine again, and I finish this process with a milder ceremony. If the last session is a bit more compassionate and beautiful, the rest of the journey will be easier. But deep in myself what I want to do is to give up on everything and go home right now.
Time: 1:00 p.m.
I decided just now that I will leave here tomorrow morning with Margreth and Tom. The last ceremony of the week is tonight. Then there is a long weekend without ceremonies, weekend is off time. My flight is on Sunday afternoon. If I stay here after they leave, I must spend one and a half days alone here. I don’t think I can handle that.
In the handbook given to those who come here and not given to me, there is an address for a hostel where you can stay in Pucallpa: Hospedaje El Delfin. I can go there directly on Saturday morning without making a reservation. It’s much more liveable compared to here, with a reasonable price. Margreth stayed there for one night before coming here. They have a shower, electricity, internet, a double bed, and even a fan in the rooms. I listened to all of these with amazement; they all sounded like a dream now.
While I’m there, I’ll stroll around Pucallpa City a bit. On Sunday afternoon, I can comfortably go to the airport; my flight is at 4:20 p.m.
I packed my things; there were 7 hours until the ceremony. I hope the ceremony is also easy and gentle.
