Patriarchy Teaches Men To Be Tyrannical Children

Despite the cultural backlash, we must keep pushing for real partnerships

When I was a young teenager, I began to think of men as inferior. To be clear, I no longer believe that, but by about 12 or 13 I was well aware of a world where men pushed me and other women around, but at the same time did not seem to have the inner resources to hold their lives together without female support. My father and many of the other men that I saw in my world, expected to be treated as the head of the household. And yet, they clearly relied heavily on the women in their sphere for support of both the emotional and the physical kind. I recognized and resented the bitter dichotomy of being integrally important, without that being recognized or valued very much. I saw myself living in a society of tyrannical children where I was expected to serve and soothe, but also to always take a back seat. This seemed both pathetic and infuriating to me.

Before someone goes off on a tirade, let me explain. I’m not asserting that all men are tyrannical children. I’m simply saying that the men who staunchly uphold patriarchal norms often do so because they have been indoctrinated into a belief that power, obedience, and deference are owed them by women and others who are below them in the dominance hierarchy. At the same time, they demand to be taken care of, soothed, pleased, and otherwise catered to in the manner of spoiled children. It’s a poisonous combination that many women are completely and entirely fed up with, although some women continue to enable, both intentionally as well as subconsciously.

Because man box (patriarchal) culture glorifies bullying and dominance as the primary expression of masculine power and success, all men are invited to daily test the limits of what society will tolerate. Accordingly, we see dominance-based interactions play out in every aspect of our lives, from within our most personal interactions to the dynamics of our national politics. While millions of good men care about creating more compassionate personal and professional relationships, and so choose not to test the limits of men’s collective permission to be dominant, the fact that this choice is an opt-out, tells us all we need to know about what’s going wrong. Why Masculinity Is “Whatever Men Can Get Away With”

Masculinity, in this context, is something that is performed on a daily basis. It’s not who you are; it’s what you do. You aren’t a real man unless you take what is dished out to you from those with more power, and you do it with stoicism and self-control. In other words, you “take it like a man.” In return, you exert dominance and coercive power over those below you in the hierarchy. For some men, this primarily means the women in their family. Aymen Emaad’s description of her highly patriarchal Pakistani household is a prime example.

At work, I was a senior manager in a multinational company, leading a team of 25. At home, I was to be subservient and acquiescent, mild-mannered and meek. If I ever disagreed with anything, such as my husband’s extravagant spending habits, I was told I had become too vocal, and “This is why we should not let women work.” I figured the only way to maintain the peace at home would be to concur every time and concede if I had momentarily forgotten to concur.

This exhausting, split-personality paradigm finally drove Emaad to leave her overbearing husband and to distance herself from her father, who supported and upheld this dynamic as well. The gist of what they required was, Do what I say. Don’t question me or challenge my authority in any way. I am the king here and your role and function is to defer to my primacy. At the same time, you must please and comfort me, cook for me, raise my children, and otherwise make my life easier. The fact that Emaad also had a full-time job outside of the home was irrelevant. The patriarchal theory being, If you want to do that on top of your other duties as a woman, be my guest, but that does not absolve you of your responsibilities towards me at home.

By patriarchal standards, a woman is a human giver, even more than a human being. Her function is to give life, give comfort, give sustenance, as well as to give pleasure and love.

This helps to explain why she is often understood perfectly well to have a mind of her own, yet punished in brutal and inhumane ways when that mind appears to be oriented to the wrong things, in the wrong ways, to the wrong people — including herself and other women.

Manne, Kate. Down Girl (pp. 22–23). Oxford University Press. Kindle Edition.

The cultural backlash towards women becoming more outspoken, independent, and career-oriented, and in many cases, out-earning their male partners, has been for some men to try to reclaim their patriarchal position by doing even less around the house than before. In 2016 The Atlantic published an article on the results of a study showing that “In female-breadwinner households, the greater the income disparity, the less housework the husband does.” This counteraction against a more egalitarian world for women is also reflected in the uptick in the percentage of Americans who view the father as the head of the household.

In 1992, when Americans were asked if the “father of the family is master of the house,” 42 percent said yes. By 2004 the percentage had risen to 52 percent. In other words, while women were advancing at work and earning an ever larger share of household income, the “lord and master” sentiment was actually growing. Feminism Needs More Than Women’s Marches

Despite their still larger share of economic, political, and cultural power, men could not continue to demand to be both deferred to and care-taken if they did not have buy-in from women. Some women perceive these roles as traditional and therefore unshakeable — a position that is often bolstered by conservative politics and religion.

To challenge this paradigm means the uncertainty of not quite knowing who you are or how you are supposed to behave. It also invites censure from those within your circle, and perhaps within your family. Maintaining the status quo is often the path of least resistance. Women who refuse to do so are not only seen as shirking their responsibilities but are simultaneously making more work for those who continue to toe the line. But this structure must be intentionally dismantled, brick by brick, for the sake of the entire society.

Patriarchy is a social system based in the stratification of everyone, not just men and women. It robs us of our humanity by encouraging a constant quest for higher rungs on the ladder of power at the expense of those around us, and it leads to emotional isolation. You cannot be close to someone whom you view as your competitor; a dog who might possibly eat you if you don’t eat them first.

Despite the possibility of creating tyrannical children, patriarchy also forces men into roles and boxes that they may not wish to embrace. Although there was much that I resented about the patriarchal household that I grew up in, I still to this day can get emotional about the way that my father essentially fell on his sword for what he perceived to be the well-being of our family near the end of his life.

When I saw my own husband’s inclinations to do something similar, I pleaded with him to find another way. It took some time to figure out how to achieve that, but he finally did. I don’t want to live in a family where one person sacrifices their own aspirations and autonomy for the good of everyone else. I want to live in a partnership of adults where we work together to create a life that nourishes and fulfills us both, as well as that of our son, and extended family.

Nobody gets to be a diva, and nobody gets to be a spoiled brat whose moods and whims must be catered to. There is no room for tyrannical children in my world. The cats might get away with it — maybe, but only because they are otherwise loving, fluffy, and cute.