Overcoming My Social Anxiety During Lockdown
Anxiety has been a constant, albeit unwanted, companion since my early adolescent days.
I remember the dread I used to feel when I waited for the school bus as a 12-year-old. It was barely a ten-minute ride, but since my stop was the last pickup; the bus used to be packed by the time I boarded it. What ensued was my walking down the aisle, feeling that everyone was watching me with disdain. I had to look for two empty seats because I feared sitting beside anyone — what exactly I’d feared is still hard to place. Most of the time I couldn’t find such a place, so I’d often just stand near the door with my head down, staring at my feet. I was the only one to do so while there had been enough empty seats beside the other kids.
Over time, this unknown fear evolved into discernible social anxiety. I never was comfortable at gatherings and often felt a generational gap with people of my own age. While they would drink and chat and essentially have a wonderful time, I stood in a corner checking my phone; hoping for someone to message me so I could entertain myself. I kept thinking of excuses during this time that would allow me to run home to my warm bed and slow acoustic music.
A few months ago I realised that the underconfident kid had grown up into an anxious man, and the school bus had turned into a house party full of strangers.
Outgrowing Irrational Fears
At the same time, I became conscious of the fact that I don’t really sense any anxiety when I have to board the bus now. The feeling that people are judging me as I walk past their seats no longer exists. Sure, it’s awkward to sit beside a stranger, but it’s a fleeting awkwardness that probably everyone feels.
In other words, I’ve outgrown the apprehension I used to feel as a child. The several experiences I’ve had over the years — both good and bad — made me forget about the illogical thoughts that once wrecked my head. I started believing that I would outgrow my social anxiety in a similar way as well.
So I decided to have those experiences with social gatherings; to get them out of the way, to find faith that there’s nothing to fear.
How I Made Use of the Lockdown
As the lockdown began, the parties ended; which made me feel quite relieved. Although I despised attending these events, I also felt crestfallen when I didn’t receive an invitation; which I’m sure resonates with everyone who has experienced social anxiety. Watching my friends’ Instagram stories of a party where I knew the host but wasn’t invited used to be a hammer blow to my chest. And I’m not saying that entirely figuratively — I had often felt an inexplicable, sharp pain in my midriff when these situations occurred.
Slowly the virtual gatherings commenced: a friend’s birthday, a colleague’s farewell etc. I surmised that this might be the best chance to conquer my phobia. So I attended every single one of these that I was invited to and always introduced myself to the crowd when I joined. I had a casual, friendly introduction written down which I’d often look at while speaking. At first I used to have my camera switched off, but eventually I started showing up to the events with the video on; once I noticed that everyone looked slightly blurry and nobody really cared.
It’s Still A Bumpy Ride, Though
There have been several moments during the virtual events where I’ve been as uncomfortable as I used to be at the real gatherings. People speaking over me, nobody laughing at my stupid jokes, feeling ignored…it’s all there. And there’s nothing bad about that, because the more I experience this now, the less I’d fear it in the future.
I’d been wary of my ‘imperfect’ looks for a long time. This belief is something that can’t go away all of a sudden, of course, but I started working towards un-learning the artificial standards of beauty that clog my brain. As per the psychological studies that I’ve read since, we are more beautiful than we think. You can learn more about this here.
I understand that virtual events are extremely different from the actual ones and there’s a chance I’d go back to my former self when I’m around other people. But the fact is that we’re talking about behaviour here; something that doesn’t change easily. Just the way it’s hard to influence your behaviour for the better, it’s also not easy for it to become worse by itself — mental programming takes a long time to encode and decode.
In a way, I’m using the online gatherings as a stepladder to get over my anxiety. These might just turn out to be baby steps but I have no doubt that they’ll have a lasting impact on abating my angst.