Our Unapologetically Cliche Relationship
Our boy meets girl story.
It was February 2010 — before Tinder. It was Salsa night at K-Bar, the University of Kent’s most vibrant place to go to on a Thursday night before hitting the best club in the city of Canterbury.
I was a student out with a few friends enjoying the night, not a care in the world. I had just finished dance practice and was full of energy for the night, pumped from the workout. Being young meant there was no such feeling as tiredness — I could dance the night away and still be up for lectures and function the next morning. Try me today and I won’t last past midnight.
Boy Meets Girl
Devonte was out with his friends at the same bar. He spotted me across the dance floor dancing my heart away. He felt a pang of attraction – he needed to talk to me. But I was dancing with another guy.
He commandeered his team of friends to distract the seeming competition. He didn’t wait for fate – he created his own circumstances so he could talk to me.
His friends on cue took my friend away, arms around him and smiles on their faces. I stood confused in the middle of the dancefloor. As I turned, I found this random guy stood right in front of me. He took my hand and asked me to dance.
I looked back over at my friend who was walking away from the group of guys, looking as confused as me. It clicked — this was a set-up.
“Wow”, I said.
I took my hand back and walked away.
Boy Courts Girl
A couple of weeks later, I saw Devonte again, at a different bar. He came straight up to me as I stood outside waiting for some friends. For the first time, I heard his American accent and asked him where he was from. He said Texas. I was intrigued, but the conversation got cut short when my friends appeared and gestured for us to go in.
Later that night, though, Devonte and I exchanged numbers.
He texted me the next day with 3 words.
Little did I know these three words would get mentioned at every opportunity from then onwards. How naive I was to underestimate the power of these three words.
But I didn’t like his message. It was arrogant and gave absolutely nothing of value to me at the time. So I ignored the message nonchalantly.
As time went by, we kept on bumping into each other. It was as if he was following me, I joked. He accused me of being a stalker. A little bit of light banter was had. We started building up a friendship, without falling into the friendship zone completely.
He asked me out on a date. I said no. He made a joke. It made me laugh.
I said yes.
We dated very casually — we had busy lives at university and had much to focus on.
Girl Chases Boy
I just wasn’t that into him. I thought we were better off as friends. I loved his humor and our banter. I didn’t want to ruin what we had by adding complications to it.
Eventually, he got tired of the chase. He stopped contacting me.
It was then I realized I missed him, and not just as a friend.
But it was too late, I thought.
I was set to go abroad for a year for my degree. The day before I left, he sent me a message I didn’t ignore. He wanted to meet to say goodbye. But I was due to leave early the next morning and it was too late that day to meet – we were cities apart – I was back home at my parents’ and he was in Canterbury.
I said it was too late. I said goodbye.
But we talked when I moved to France. A lot.
Skype wasn’t doing us justice, though. A couple of months later, I made arrangements to fly home for a couple of days to talk things out with Devonte.
I had to see him.
We decided at that time that we would get together.
We knew it would be a long-distance relationship since I’d be flying back to France for the year.
Best.Timing.Ever!
Why not see how strong our bond would be early on? Besides, we hadn’t just met — we had spent almost 2 years getting to know each other, so we thought we stood a chance.
The Blip
We broke up halfway through the year. It was too much.
But we remained friends and great friends at that.
When I returned to England, Devonte met me at the airport.
We talked hard about how we could make it work this time around. We bumped heads — we discovered that our lifestyle goals were vastly different. We realized we wanted totally different lives after university.
He was not interested in the happily ever after romance that I dreamed of.
I wanted grand gestures, marriage and kids, and a dog. I was ready for it all.
He wanted freedom and the ability to do as he pleased when he pleased, primarily to build himself an empire business. All that without feeling like he had to sacrifice his time for me. He wanted to be with me but he knew his terms would be hard for me to accept, and we ran the risk of growing resentment for each other rather than love.
Our attitudes were simply not compatible. His priorities were different from mine.
Yet I loved him, and he loved me.
We wrote the 3-month long break-up off and took the chance to continue to grow our relationship.
Romance Was Not Dead
Devonte was grateful that I had accepted him for who he was and I embraced the challenge of being with someone who prioritized himself above everything.
In fact, he taught me that I also needed to become my own top priority.
We weren’t your typical couple. Yes, we went out on dates, but we didn’t do everything together. I went on multiple vacations without him, and we led very independent lives outside of our home. He had his friends and I had mine.
Five years later, however, Devonte surprised me with a deliberately cheesy AF proposal on his birthday by the London Bridge.
I said yes.
Those three words from the first-ever message I received from him? They kept on being the central theme of our relationship. Every time someone asked us how we met, Devonte would go into story-telling mode. It was even in Devonte’s wedding speech.
True Love
Now, another 5 years later, we will be celebrating 10 years together this year. But the joke is, Devonte only counts married years now, so that won’t count. Party Pooper 🙄
But I wouldn't have it any other way.
We are best friends, parents, and team-players.
We are college sweethearts from the outside world’s point of view but live by unconventional rules.
We got together when we were both emotionally available, and we did everything in the old-fashioned order:
- We dated.
- We got married.
- W̶e̶ I got cats.
- We had our first son.
Devonte and I choose to love each other every day. We didn’t get to have a honeymoon period when we first got together since I was abroad and I’m glad for it because that love isn’t real.
Love is logistical. Love is practical. Love is deliberate. Love can be emotionally exhausting and anxiety-inducing. But most of all, love is time. Through all our ups and downs, the most we can do to make sure we get through it all, is to give each other time.
Time to talk, time to reflect, time to laugh, time to argue, time to cry, time to cry some more, time to sit silently in a room, time to plan, time to organize, time to read, time to research.
Time together.
Time apart, too.
Devonte taught me to love myself above everyone else first. What I took to be selfish and narcissistic at first transpired to simply be absolute self-love, something which seems to be extremely rare in this world, something which I lacked.
In fact, he‘s the one who pushes me every day to fulfill my potential, not as a mother, nor as a wife.
But as my own person.
For that, I am eternally grateful.
Happy 10th Valentine’s Day, Babe!
I love our contradictory relationship because, in some aspects, we are cheesy and follow the rules of love, but in other ways, we are unique and unconventional.
We are two individuals with independent lives who also overlap in some ways and share completely in others.
It has been a hell of a journey and one I look forward to continuing with my husband by my side.
Oh, and the three disappointing words from my husband’s first-ever text message to me:
“Hey hey hey”
No full stop. No exclamation mark. It was promptly deleted.
But never forgotten.
Sylvia Emokpae, thinker and philosopher, is passionate about self-love and motherhood. See more work like this.
