Our Society: Addiction and More Uncovered -Chapter 3

Hear the voice of everyday people — a collection of stories and experiences

by Gabriella Kőrösi, PhD, MN, RN

This book is dedicated to the memory of

Bagóczky József my uncle who died at age 19 — alcohol-related car accident

and to everyone else who has been hurt or lost related to addiction

Many people had been supportive and inspiring to me so I could create this book. Both of my wonderful children told me, just write that book, mom. My mom. I could have not done this without all the stories provided and the encouragement love and caring from my family and friends, nurses, doctors, counselors, teachers, professors, friends who are dealing with addiction and staying sober; and children, wives, husbands, mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers of people who are dealing with addiction currently. Thank you for speaking up, sharing your stories and life experiences. Thank you for all the people who read this book while in progress to provide feedback, ideas, and encouragement for me to continue writing. I would like to say special thanks to my friends and family for believing me and encouraging me to go on.

3. Game of Life — Spirituality

Life and death. Spiritual beliefs. God. People we lose. Stories help paint a picture of what is happening to people who are dealing with addictions. My goal to raise awareness and create a conversation.

Beth is a smart wonderful woman, nurse, mother, wife, sister, and daughter. She is great at taking care of others. Beth pays attention to details and makes sure everything is set for her patients and her family. I am very grateful for her willingness to share her story. Beth’s brother Rick died from an overdose.

He was way too young to die.

Addiction can sneak up on anyone at any time. Beth was told that Rick died from drugs he got from his son’s mother. This is so sad. His ex-girlfriend gave Rick the drugs. Beth feels very strongly about this and feels that Rick’s ex should be held accountable for his death, accountable for murder. Should the person who is selling the drugs be held accountable? Is it the person who is selling or the person who is buying? Who is the responsible party for their own death? In addiction, the brain is kind of hijacked and it is very difficult to think clearly and make good decisions.

When a pharmacist or a doctor gives a wrong amount of medication, they are held responsible for wrongful death. Should drunk drivers be held responsible for their own actions?

The bartender is not getting in trouble for serving them with alcohol and letting them drive, nor the place they went for a party. It is difficult to decide who is ultimately responsible for Rick’s death. The one who sold it to the ex-girlfriend? Rick’s ex-girlfriend? The girl who was with him and did not call for help? Rick who took the drug? Others who knew he needed help, but did nothing? Drugs or alcohol, or any other substance that causes people harm can come out of nowhere and cause damage that is not reversible.

There seems to be a new drug popping out frequently, for some people it is just a way to make money. Some get rich, some die. Beth, she will never get her brother back. Life keeps throwing those curveballs at Beth. She tells me about her husband’s drinking. Her nephew Larry is also into drugs, she had tried to help him. It did not work. She had to set up boundaries and does not have a relationship with Larry. Larry does call her grandmother, she bought him cigarettes before. Larry had lived with his grandmother before.

Beth wrote out a contract with set rules and expectations if Larry was going to live there, included a curfew, going to school or getting a job, doing chores, staying sober. Larry is on probation, and he has always seemed to be in trouble. Did Larry ever really have a chance? His mother and father were both using drugs, his father died of an overdose. This is a lot to carry, a lot to grew up in, and turns out ok, just think about the psychological effects. Larry still uses drugs. Beth does not trust him. He has been in and out of treatment. She still tries to support him. She feels she cannot make Larry better. It is very difficult when she tries to help somebody, and she can’t. Beth describes heroin as being so powerful that she doesn’t know how to help her nephew. Beth tells me that she would love to hear a success story of overcoming heroin addiction. That would give her hope that her nephew has a chance. The only time Larry talks to her is when he is in jail and wants money. As soon as he gets out, he disappears.

Beth’s Older Brother

Beth also has an older brother Andrew who is homeless and has an addiction problem. Andrew used to be successful, he had his own business multiple times. Beth has no idea what drug Andrew uses. She can’t reach him. She is scared for him. Andrew does not know how to cope, and Beth thinks when their younger brother died Andrew did not know how to cope with his death. She sometimes gets to see him, and they go for lunch. She describes Andrew as someone who has a very kind heart. Andrew does not talk about his use, but Beth knows he is using. Beth noticed how he has changed, the drugs changing him. She even offered to pay for treatment, but he denies he has a problem. It is very difficult to help someone who does not admit that they have a problem. How to help them? Beth would do anything to help her older brother. Her heart bleeds for him.

For some alcohol is just a game, isn’t it? It is really not. Sheila is an intelligent beautiful person. She described to me, she has many friends and family who are addicted to alcohol. One of her longtime friends becomes so aggressive and angry when he drinks that she had to cut ties with him and not to be around him anymore. She describes a relationship that is toxic, and even though she knows he could not control it became just too much and it really hurt her so that she had to stop seeing her friend. Avoiding him was very difficult for her for multiple reasons. It is hard to avoid a childhood friend. It causes pain for Sheila when she wanted to help but was not able to as her friend was not willing to change. It is very difficult to see a loved one destroying themselves.

Many people might just think it is okay; they will just go home after work and have a nice relaxing evening with a glass of wine or a beer. This might actually work for some people but not all. There is a fine line between drinking occasionally, then drinking some nights, then drinking every night. Drinking can start very small and grow over time. I heard phrases like: “it makes me feel good”. Additional comments I heard over the years included: “it helps me relax”, or” everybody drinks”.

I was talking to a friend recently who told me that today’s social norm is to drink alcohol and it is out of the norm when someone does not drink. We went to a concert last weekend, there were drinks offered before the concert and during the breaks and the lines were long. It was so weird, that having fun in a concert has to be associated with alcohol. Well, it probably it is “just fun” for a while at least, then reality kicks in again. During conversations with other people, many of them felt that it is difficult not to drink when everybody else is drinking. All the reasons why people feel stressed, anxious, restless and want to relax with the use of alcohol or drugs will be still there the next hour the next day, the next month. The sad thing is that those reasons do not worth losing a life or becoming addicted. In the end of the day being grateful for what we have is what we should focus on. Problems are always there and always will be there. Some days are harder, some are easier.

Rory’s Story

Spirituality. I was talking to Rory through a skype meeting that he invited me to attend with him for this interview. We talked around lunchtime. He tells me a perspective that I did not really think about before. God and spirituality bring different things into different people’s lives. Talking to Rory he does not believe in any Gods that are out there because he is gay and the religions that he describes do not like people who are gay. Rory rejects the higher power. Rory feels rejected by any God or belief because of who they are. Being rejected can send someone down all kinds of unhappy paths. Rory describes that all the organizations used some kind of spirituality that rejected him because he is homosexual and they told him what he is, a gay man, is wrong. Because of all this, he had only the mental health side to support him in his recovery from stimulants.

Rory had been also diagnosed with so many mental health conditions that he did not even list them all. He told me: “you name it I had it”. He saw his first psychiatrist when he was 8 years old. His parents were concerned that he will turn out to be homosexual. We laughed. Surprise, surprise he said. Still makes me smile.

Let’s look at some of the diagnoses he got: bipolar disorder, bipolar rapid cycling, major depression, different anxiety disorders, personality disorders. He describes how with these diagnoses come to a mountain of medications. He does not think that there is a medication that he did not put in his mouth. He laughs again. The medical and mental health system failed him, starting at such a young age. Wonder why? Starting at 8 years old. He was stuck, nobody helped him. The only way out at this point was to help himself. Rory went back to graduate school, learned psychology, and educated himself. He learned about trauma, childhood history, and how that affects how we feel about ourselves.

He mentions Gabor Maté, MD, and how much he likes him and talks about how he mentioned that all addictions are rooted in trauma. Rory describes that everyone he sits down with who was dealing with addiction had a trauma history and there is a connection. He feels like people can be in control of their lives and choose to be sober. He used the mental health system to support his sobriety. He feels like he does not want to be part of a group that does not support individual power and moving on, living their lives and making their own choices. I asked Rory how he got clean. He said using just got boring.

Dope as he calls it did not get him high anymore, he called it “nope” so what is the point.

No more buzz, no more fun. No kick to it. Rory feels that for him it was not so much the drugs as the people. The people who were around drugs and alcohol took him back while “normies” did not. He describes: “hospitalized again, oh no problem”. He felt comfortable around people who were just as wounded and hurt as he was. He fit in. He was so afraid of being alone, being lonely that drove him to even suicide multiple times. Rory feels he did dope because it kept people around. People would hang out with others if they had dope, he said. He was not alone anymore. He talks about growing up in the 70’s and 80’s in a culture where sexual encounters were counted, and amphetamines were the “street Viagra”. He had been homeless, but he was ok with it. He does not feel that his story is sad or devastating. He survived all this. So many things could have gone wrong. He made it out. He tells me that when he was out on the street and homeless, he stopped using because he was afraid of being caught. He did not want to be stopped by the cops and being caught, while when he was in a house, home alone, the windows are closed, no one can see what is going on inside. Let’s party he said.

Fuchsia is a young energetic woman who visits me at our house, we sit on the porch and have a wonderful conversation. She tells me that she had a conversation with a friend who told her she feels that organized religion has a purpose and structure for those people who don’t have the ability to question things or pursue things on their own. There are people who are not afraid to have their own thoughts and people who need to believe in something else, and for those people, there is a structure in religion. Fuchsia feels that there is so much judgment about addiction and people think that their way is right, and other ways are not. Fuchsia tells me about a friend who is struggling with this and has been repressing her sexuality because of a promise they made to God when she was a child. Now she realizes she does not believe in judgment and why would she believe in a God who judges her for who she is.

Bill is a charismatic man who helps a lot of people in his community. I meet him in his office in a nice summer afternoon. He tells me that through his work he encounters people who deal with addiction issues or the effects of addictions all the time. People come to him looking for assistance. People usually know he does not have the way to help them break their addiction and doesn’t have the physical means to help them separate from the behaviors, but they hope that it will be a safe place to tell their story, to be heard, and process rather than look for an avenue to suppress or forget or deny that addiction exists for them. People who walk into his office seem to have no visible means of support. They lack emotional and physical means to take care of themselves. Bill feels impotent when all he can do is give a listening ear and a few bucks. All that is available for him. He had volunteered in places like the warming centers and soup kitchens where people deal with addictions. We talked about loss and grief related to addictions. He explained to me that loss goes further than the loss of life when it comes to addictions; it can be loss of relationships, property, freedom, self-esteem for example. Loss is a big part of addiction.

Thank you for reading,

Gabriella

Previous Chapter

Our Society: Addiction and More Uncovered. Hear the voices of everyday people — collection of stories and experiences.

Copyright @ 2020. 1st addition on Amazon KDP.

2nd addition Jan 2021 Barnes & Noble

By Dr. Gabriella Kőrösi

ISBN: 9798577493752

All rights reserved. Dancing Elephants Press.

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