Our Society: Addiction and More Uncovered — Chapter 2

Hear the voice of everyday people — collection of stories and experiences

by Gabriella Kőrösi, PhD, MN, RN

This book is dedicated to the memory of Bagóczky József my uncle who died at age 19 — alcohol related car accident and to everyone else who has been hurt or lost related to addiction

Many people had been supportive and inspiring to me so I could create this book. Both of my wonderful children told me, just write that book mom. My mom. I could have not done this without all the stories provided and the encouragement love and caring from my family and friends, nurses, doctors, counselors, teachers, professors, friends who are dealing with addiction and staying sober; and children, wives, husbands, mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers of people who are dealing with addiction currently. Thank you for speaking up, sharing your stories and life experiences. Thank you for all the people who read this book while in progress to provide feedback, ideas and encouragement for me to continue writing. I would like to say special thanks to my friends and family for believing me and encouraging me to go on.

2. My Uncle

My uncle’s name was Józsika. He always felt like a brother to me. Józsika had a twin brother his name is Attila. They stuck together and did a lot of things together.

I really enjoyed spending time with them. I remember watching them playing cards with their friends, they would play in fillér it would be equivalent to play like in 1 cent, fillér does not even available in Hungary anymore, it is so small. It was in the circulation back when I was growing up in the 1970’s — 1980’s.

It was always interesting to me that Attila had blond hair and Józsika had black hair. I had talked to multiple people in my family to try to provide an accurate picture of him. Mom found this picture of the three of us:

Talking to my dad, he recalls that when Józsika was 6 or 7 years old they played horse on my dad’s knees. He recalls that the twins spent a lot of time together, they were inseparable. They were adorable little kids who loved to hang around my mom and dad.

Józsika’s death broke my heart when I was 10 years old. It was a huge loss for me and my family. Part of me always will miss him. Józsika had a father, but he was not there for him, Mom remembers, he did not stand by him. Mom said both the twins were great in sports but ended up not continuing in sports perhaps because of the missing father figure. Every sport they started they excelled in it. Shooting, running, water sports, no matter what it was.

Józsika’s story still creates waves of emotions for me. He did things like stealing flowers from someone’s garden for my grandmother for Mother’s Day. He was like a glue of love that pulled the family together. He would get into trouble sometimes, but he was so loving and kind that nobody could be mad at him for long.

My mother mentioned to me that taking flowers is not stealing if they grew out in the street it is just a custom and that it is ok to pick them. The tradition was to get lilacs for Mother’s Day. I can still see him bringing those dark purple flowers to my grandmother. He had a big heart for sure, Mom said.

Once the boys grew up, my mom moved away, and I was born. Her brothers would come home to my mom after school. Close to the accident Józsika’s brother was working outside of the country in Germany. Talking to Attila, he feels bad and sad because they used to fight as boys and before he left, they had a fight too and they actually beat each other up. Apparently, this was a regular occurrence. I had no idea.

Attila tells me that at least once a month they beat each other up. I asked him what they were fighting about. He tells me it was a brother thing; they just would fight over little stupid things. Attila recalls that Józsika went to learn boxing in Ùjpest, Hungary when he was 14 years old. Then he would come home and show his brother the moves. He would say ok, this is what I learned, now defend yourself. Back then they would slap each other in the face. I burst out laughing at this point when he tells me this. I could just see it right in front of my eyes the two of them slapping each other. I asked if it was real fights or just goofing around. Attila said it usually started as being stupid and goofing around, but it could get a little tough and violent sometimes. Attila did not leave on good terms. He describes hatred from both sides when he left. Thinking back this was not the best thing. This still hurts Attila.

Otherwise he tells me they always supported each other and stood by each other. Attila tells me that Józsika liked girls and he would brag about it too. Attila was always quieter about it. Attila tells me about Józsika’s special loved one, her name is Kati. I remember her very clearly. Attila said the relationship was going on for 2–3 years off and on. Attila told me that Kati got pregnant and decided to abort the baby, and this was very difficult for Józsika. This happened very close to his death.

Józsika also had some encounter with the police. I asked Mom about this and she said that Józsika was threatened by some people who stole a necklace from him if he testifies against them. Józsika had a gold necklace that he received when he had a surgery for chest expansion. Attila feels that a lot of bad things happened at once. Mom also told me recently that Józsika also got a notification to serve in the military. At that time every young man served 2 years. Mom felt that Józsika was probably lonely without his brother.

The Accident

Talking to my Mom she felt that the whole thing did not make much sense as they were all supposed to go down to lake Balaton that Saturday. The accident happened Friday to Saturday early morning coming back from Lake Balaton at 5am. The car was going 275 km/hr. There were 3 people in the car, but interestingly they found a 4th person’s keys as well and someone anonymously called the police.

Attila and mom went to the location. It was a long straightaway until there was a turn to the right. That is where the car hit a ditch with the car’s nose then flew off about 20 meters. If it had been 3 meters before or 5 meters after they would have just run off the road without major injuries, but on the spot, they flew off there was a ditch. The car cut 2 trees in half. Attila described the trees being the width of a thigh. He found the back-license plate on the scene when they were looking around and kept it for a long time. The accident happened on M7 road in Hungary coming from Lake Balaton to Budapest around 42nd kilometers.

Mom was also telling me that when she and Attila was driving down the first time there was a road barricade that created a detour from the going down to Balaton lane to the oncoming lane that is coming from Balaton. She was wondering if they could have had a car coming from the opposite side when the accident happened.

We will never know.

First Mom went to the hospital and that is where she found out that her brother died and there were 2 other survivors. The first day my mom could not go to the morgue to see her brother because of the investigation. She went back the next day to see and identify him. I cannot even imagine how difficult it must have been for her to identify her brother. My grandmother was in no condition to do any of the things that needed to be done, Mom took over all the coordination for the funeral. Of the 3 people that we know for sure who were in the car; one person walked away with no injuries, one had a head injury and never fully recovered.

Józsika died from internal bleeding, his aorta broke in his chest. He was blamed for driving, but our family never believed he could have driven with such a high content of alcohol level in his body. He had so much alcohol in his body that he had to be passed out. Not that we thought anyway. The police did think otherwise but could never prove he drove. Did he really drive? I don’t know. There were two others in the car. Two men, in their 30’s at the time much older than him, kind of makes me wonder what they were doing hanging out with this young man hand letting him get so drunk and allegedly drive. Nice friends, right?

He was the only one who died, the others survived with only minor injuries. He did not wear a seat belt and flew out of the car. Mom told me that there is no way he drove. He did not have a license. He would not even drive Mom’s car; he was afraid something might happen. He did not like to drive at all. He also had some vision problems Mom recalls, and he did not like to drive because of it. Attila did not know the other two people who were in the car. He saw them at the court hearing. At court they were trying to say that Józsika drove, then it was proven that he could have not driven. Still in the newspapers it said that he drove.

It is still painful to write about this.

Just found out that the court case was because the car they drove was stolen. Mom was telling me Józsika had a fight with his girlfriend, he was a little down and this could have been a precursor of going down to Lake Balaton with buddies to drink. It was kind of unusual behavior for him. I was too young to get that he was really gone. Józsika always made everybody feel good, made us laugh. I was always happy to see my uncles. He was our family glue. I asked my Mom what it about Józsika was. She said his love; he was able to show affection and love so well. He liked to give hugs. Mom feels this was a huge miss for my grandmother after he was gone. Things were just never the same after he was gone.

We never recovered.

Mom was telling me today that we almost lost my maternal grandmother (Nagy Borbála) after he died too.

I did not realize how sick my grandmother got.

Thinking back, I remember now that she was not feeling well. Mom told me she had to be hospitalized in a psychiatric hospital for a while because of a nervous breakdown. I remember her crying and talking about my uncle a lot. It was hard to see, and I could not fully grasp the reality of it all. If I think of grandma now, I can still feel her pain, her loss. Loss of a child. I was in denial for a long, long time. I wanted my uncle back; I was angry for a long time why was he gone.

He would do silly things like call my mom at 2 am to see if the windows need to be washed because he needed money. Mom said: “sure, come to wash the windows”. It is amazing really how long a grieving process can go. It has been so long, and I am still grieving his loss. He was only 19 years old at the time. I still remember like it just happened, and this was over 34 years ago. I remember the funeral; my father took me.

I remember Attila passing out during the funeral, he was as white as the wall. I went through the motions but did not really hit me until much later that he is really truly gone. Things like this do not just disappear from memory They stay and hang around for a long time. A loss of a child, a brother, a friend doesn’t just rub off easily. There is a story to tell. A story about who József was, and what his life and death meant to all who have loved him and cared for him.

I had a conversation with my Mom and asked her if she thinks there was anything, we could have done to prevent this accident. Mom said no. Once someone is dead their family will never have a chance to be part of that person’s life. Mom felt like a contributing factor was that he was not able to continue school.

My grandmother was raising the two boys on her own. She did not have enough money, so Józsika decided not to study but to go to work. Mom recalls a teacher coming by and asking my grandmother to send him back to school, he was so smart and a good kid. The teacher actually cried, begging my grandmother. Poverty. I did not realize that it hit my family, hit this close. Józsika decided to work to help out financially. He did labor work like doing packing and lifting boxes for big juice company. Even though school was free, money was not enough to pay for things. Their father did not help out at all at this point.

My grandmother was starting to be sick and could not work as much as she did before. Mom really felt that a father figure would have helped a lot. She thinks that his death changed all of our lives significantly.

Everything would be different if he would have lived.

For a long time, I prayed and plead with God every day for some kind of sign that he is at peace or he is ok wherever he is.

Then one day I saw him, in a dream, or vision. Since then I have more peace with his death, and I can feel his support and energy any time I need it. I think what happened to Józsika was a huge part of how I ended up working in addiction for so many years. Any loss of a family member is painful. It is like an and empty hole that can never be filled. Other parts of someone’s life can be filled with love and joy, but that piece will always be missing.

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Our Society: Addiction and More Uncovered. Hear the voices of everyday people — collection of stories and experiences.

Copyright @ 2020. 1st addition on Amazon KDP.

2nd addition Jan 2021 Barnes & Noble

By Dr. Gabriella Kőrösi

ISBN: 9798577493752

All rights reserved.

Thank you for reading,

Gabriella

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