Royal Revenge

Open Letter To King Charles

Regarding that inheritance…

Dear Charles,

I like that you insist on me dropping the ‘King’ and calling you, simply, Charles. Did you inherit your humility from the Queen? Lovely lady, that Elizabeth. Lovely lady.

First off, I’m sorry for your loss. We can only imagine what kind of intimate relationship you and your mother had behind all of the pageantry and royal facade.

All that wealth, power, and privilege is really an unfair fate for such simple folk as yourselves. You probably wish your parents were migrants who scrubbed bathroom floors for a living.

You would at least then have one less headache of having to deal with the late Queen’s £650 million pound inheritance. I mean, I really do feel sorry for you, Charles. All that money. What is a poor humble king to do?

First, you have to deal with those ungrateful little brats, Harry and Meghan, who can only think to make you look bad on Oprah and Anderson Cooper and every other gushing media outlet they can think to stick their ingratiating pretty little privileged faces on.

It must have felt good to shut the doors of Frogmore Cottage on them, but you wish there was more you could do. You are not a man to sell yourself short on a good revenge.

I trust this cottage business is only the tip of the iceberg in your long, slow, glacial retribution for these two royal sell-outs. Nobody throws the royal family under the bus with impunity.

We Sicilians know a thing or two about family loyalty and retribution, you old devil. Your secret is safe with me. I like the way you think, Charles.

But your problems don’t stop there, do they? Now you have to deal with that other royal pain in the ass, Andrew. You already offered the disgraced duke the keys to Harry and Meghan’s cottage, and now he wants a piece of your inheritance too? Ungrateful little brat.

We know how a mafia Godfather would respond to such a situation. Not much different than how your own nation’s royal king of old, Henry VIII, would have handled it.

Aren’t you nostalgic for the days where royal power really meant royal power? Henry VIII didn’t have to contend with any Oprah in his day, let alone the woke mobs on social media.

I mean, six wives? Executions without trial at the slightest hint of ingratitude or treason? This is the kind of healthy royal power that would allow a (humble) king like yourself to breathe freely and sleep soundly at night.

But let’s not dwell on the fantasies of the past, Charles. We need to deal with the realities of today.

Which brings me to the reason for my writing this letter to you. I want to help you get revenge on all of your ungrateful little royal brats.

Consider me an unlikely ally, a brother from another mother.

You see, my grandparents were fishermen from Palermo, Sicily. They came to America with nothing. My father worked at a grocery store his whole life. Nothing to gain, nothing to lose, so to speak.

I borrowed a bunch of money to try to better myself with a couple of useless college degrees. On top of that I am a struggling writer chasing the next Nobel Prize on a little known platform, called Medium.

Have you heard of Medium, Charles? I didn’t think so.

Now, to cut a long story short, whereas Meghan and Harry might be doing lucrative interviews and book-signing tours across the USA about how demonic and backward you and half of your family is, all the while being able to retire in their $15 million dollar mansion in California, I live in a cramped studio apartment in a crowded city that doesn’t even feature cross air flow, as I labor away at my little novel about failure, hardship, and heartbreak.

Do you see where I’m going with this, Charles?

Can you think of anything that would get under the skin of your royally ungrateful family more than to give away your inheritance to some struggling, unroyal, grateful Sicilian writer living in squalor on the other side of the world as he writes for pennies on a platform more than half the planet has never heard of?

I guarantee you they wouldn’t see THAT coming, Charles.

You would equally piss off that lusty little goat, Andrew, who (allegedly, of course) didn’t even have the royal decency to turn down the sexual services of one of Epstein’s minors.

Just think how many snotty little birds you’d sting with one stone by depositing their inheritance into the coffers of your humble stranger on the other side of the world, Charles!

It would be the stuff of novels and fairy tales.

Thank you for reading this letter and considering my advice on how to handle your delicate situation, Charles. I think I have already taken enough of your royal time and am only too honored you’d even give it so much as a glance.

Give my regards to Camilla.

© Carlo Zeno 2023

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