Open Letter to all Questioning Marriage
Should marriage be temporary with metrics and a set expiration date or should it be a lifelong bond?
If marriage were just a government contract agreement, having an “expiration date”, and metrics to “measure” it’s “success”, would it still be a marriage? Or, would it defeat the purpose of a marriage altogether?
To people like me — middle aged-hopeless romantics — marriage is also an eternal bond. One that is tied to religious and spiritual beliefs.
Marriage is to elevate beyond the carnal human needs. A celestial bond, of combining two lives, two souls, two spirits, into one, to create something new, and holy, in the eyes of the universe we are all a part of.
People often go into it with good intentions, but one should go into it without grand and elaborate expectations. Only the hope that the bond will continue, even if it changes, and evolves into eternal friendship and mutual caring for one another; instead of a cocktail of raging hormones, (if one marries quite young).
How can one truly be free to be themselves and love openly the person they chose to be with, if it’s a contract with performance metrics and a decide expiration date?
Marriage isn’t meant to be another job, if it were, then, we would revert to the era of where women were viewed as property or a good to be traded and bargained with; to be a vessel only to be enjoyed, while young and supple, and carry on one’s progeny.
Marriage isn’t meant to be solely a contract between two people and their families, for the purpose of economics and self-preservation.
Otherwise, this wouldn’t be a marriage. This would be a contract agreement for individuals and their families self-interest and preservation. An empty farce of a “marriage”, a long term experimentation.
This would take us back to the pagan practices of linking oneself, (hand-fasting), for enjoyment and procreation, and then parting ways once a child was born and no longer an infant, or when the “love” would “run out”; only to do this again with someone else. Until you could no longer bear it physically or emotionally, and had enough children to take care of you and continue your lineage.
If a person is equipped to do this, then there would be no reason for them to ever want to be married. This is what we call now days, a serial dater, or a polygamist, or a person who thoroughly enjoys poly-amorous relations. A person who cannot or will not fathom a purely monogamist relationship. Who cannot imagine themselves loving someone for the rest of their lives, and honoring and respecting a person, who they have chosen to spend the rest of their lives.
This is why a lot of people, specifically in the United States, believe the fabricated statistic, that half of marriages end in divorce. To set the record straight, 72% of marriages are successful.
On the other hand, a lot of people are not able to have a loving and lasting monogamist relationship, because of how their early experiences with relationships turned out. Also, the way of the world makes it hard. We are bombarded with sex, with hate, with fantasies on how “true love” should “look” like, instead of the real story, lived by the 72% that remained married.
Similarly, when the marriage has a weak or nonexistent foundation, it falls apart, fast. When people get married for the wrong reasons, or for shallow reasons of the physical world, there can be no true marriage.
I see the point of how someone would feel the need for an “expiration date” or “metrics” to measure the success of their marriage, to determine if continuation is a good idea?
However, how would that work, if during that time, the couple became, pregnant, what then? Divorce and child custody battles? How would the child deal with that experience, would it be considered normal and part of life, or awkward and traumatizing?
A lot of people see marriage for what it’s meant to be, and not what the few (the other 38%) of the world, makes it out to be: simple legal contract that can be terminated at any time for any reason, or no reason at all.
I hope the people who cannot find love, but choose to marry someone, can be blessed with the discernment to know how to unconditionally love others, and themselves.
I hope those who feel, lost, yet, choose to marry for some reason, learn to love the person they chose to be with. If this is not possible, (for some reason), they have the mind to break the relationship, mutually, and seek to understand their inner-self. To reflect on their past mistakes and possibly seek help from professionals (mind you, therapists, not sex service professionals); then learn to love themselves first, before seeking to love another, again
Final point, marriage is meant to be more than a civil contract between two people, two families. Marriage is beyond the human flesh, it is beyond the worldly, material realm we experience, and see in-front of us everyday.
In order to fully engage in a marriage and commit to it with another soul — who was also put on this Earth for a reason, for a purpose — we need to take a really long hard look at ourselves, and question our reasons for wanting to marry in the first place. Is it for love or some other reason?
Until then, the discussion on marriage should always be about the individual and the constructs of the relationship and its foundation. A person should ask themselves questions like these, before taking the plunge into matrimony:
- Am I ready for it?
- Does it make sense for me at this time in my life?
- Do I love this person?
- Do I respect him/her?
- Do I respect myself?
- How have I chosen this relationship?
- What brought me to this final decision?
Be honest with yourself, be honest with the other half in your relationship. Truth, honesty, respect, ability to have empathy, is what we must evaluate of ourselves and the person we are choosing to marry for the rest of our lives; before making a final decision. Those are the questions we should be asking.
In the end, “logical” “metrics” and “contracts” or personal life and social “experiments”, will only backfire in the end. It may be destined to fail (manifest destiny).
With care and kindness,
(Mother, teacher, avid reader of everything, and occasional writer — who are you?)
“It’s time to Change the Way Marriage Works”
Marriage needs to come with an expiration date.
Disclaimer: This is a healthy open-discussion invitation, nothing more, nothing less
*Credit to the article that inspired this open letter: Matt Sweetwood for The Good Man Project
