ONLINE DATING
Online Dating is Not Ideal
After just a few chats, our imagination has filled in the unknowns with what we’d like them to be. Often we are let down when the real doesn’t match our ideal.
Online dating is all the rage. Whether it’s for marriage, long-term dating, hook-ups, best friends, friends with benefits, or anything else, it’s convenient, relatively inexpensive, and right on your phone. Did I mention it’s convenient?
Set your distance and age preferences wide open and the whole world is available for your shopping, I mean browsing, umm for you to choose from. I’ll be honest with you, it does feel like shopping.
After pursuing the profiles and choosing which one to like, depending on which platform you’re on, it can be a waiting game until they like you back or you can send a message right away. The chatting has begun.
Until one or the other of you suggests going off the platform, to another platform which is also texting, all communication is by text message. And even with emojis setting the mood, text chat leaves out a LOT.
When communication is by text, all of the nonverbal communication tools (body language, facial expression, inflection, tempo, cadence, et al) are lost.
There are so many gaps in communication and our imagination jumps right in to fill those gaps with how our ideal partner would.
We develop feelings for this idea of a person we have created. Of course, they are our perfect match, we created them that way.
Because we met this person online, we have no context for who they are in real life. No setting. No friends. We only see what they share which is their idea of who they are. And we filter their perception through our own expectations and ideals.
Texting often quickly becomes masturbatory which is a feel-good activity that helps fill those communication gaps. But again it is imagination-based. So of course, we imagine we’ve found the perfect partner.
There is so much flattery. We all respond to flattery even though we know it is just words meant to blow us up.
Attention is easy to give through text messages. But again the mode of communication leaves so much out.
Did he not see what I typed when I said I was uncomfortable or is he just bulldozing over my boundaries?
It is difficult to trust my own instincts, those red flags, when it is so easy to take everything out of context. I’m probably misreading what he said.
Is it him or is it me? Probably me. I’m just overthinking it.
What are those long gaps between messages? He says I’m the only one he’s chatting with, so what is he doing when he takes so long to respond?
If we had met at a common interest or activity, I would watch how he interacts with others from across the room. I would see how kind, indifferent, or rude he is to others.
If we met at a common interest or activity, I would ask others about him, how they know him, and what they know about him. Is he a good friend, generous, understanding?
If we met at a common interest or activity, we would have that shared experience to attach new conversations to and build upon.
Online dating is convenient and formulaic. But the traits that matter most can’t be quantified and everyone believes themselves to be overflowing with them.
No one’s profile says — I’m a bully and present with a high opinion of myself while underneath I’m insecure, controlling, and manipulative. I will gaslight you, agree to anything you suggest yet not follow through on anything. I will spout off an endless list of reasons why your plan won’t work then implement it myself and take complete ownership. I am completely out of touch with my own emotions and will share nothing of myself with you. I have no friends or desire to have friends and poor social skills. I have saviour syndrome and expect sex on demand. I have no personal boundaries and will trample yours to get what I want.
Instead, the profile says -- I’m motivated, confident, and am top in sales at my company. I’m loyal, adventurous, and a supportive partner.
I want the man who answers the question “Why did your last relationship end?” to answer with a sentence starting with “I". Not to be the reason it ended but to take ownership of the part he played in why it went bad.
“Because she cheated" can be a reflection of her but also a reflection of him. She may have been that person from the start, but she also may have been driven to be that person by his choices.
When he asks “What are you looking for?”, can I answer honestly?
What I’m looking for right now is a friend who I check in with once during the day and have a chat with before going to bed.
Who I can have a fun and flirty exchange with without it turning into sexting.
Who respects the work I do and that I’m not available at his convenience even though I work from home.
Who when I say, “This isn’t working for me right now.” will trust I know myself best and won’t try to talk me out of trusting myself.
Who cheers my successes and believes I will get through my challenges.
Who gives as much energy to me as I give to them.
Who is happy to meet occasionally for an outing, an activity, a meal, or sex without taking over my entire life. I’m on a 5-year plan and expect him to not try and change that to his plan.
Online dating is convenient but not ideal. Use it as the tool it is meant to be — to provide connections that won’t happen otherwise — then move on to phone calls, video calls, and real-life meetups as quickly as possible. At least then, as you are texting, you have real experiences to build on.
Do trust your instincts. If a red flag flies, there is a reason even if it isn’t obvious.
There is no one ideal match. But there are many really good possibilities.
Best of luck, online daters! You deserve the best!
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