avatarStephenie Magister ✨

Summary

The webpage presents a series of succinct, witty one-sentence movie reviews for popular films, alongside a promotion for an article on "Friday the 13th" character Jason Voorhees and a call for support for the author's work on queer history.

Abstract

The "One-Sentence Movie Reviews" section offers a humorous and brief critique of several blockbuster movies, including "Jurassic Park: Dominion," "Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice," "Lord of the Rings: the Fellowship of the Ring," "Back to the Future," "Unbreakable," and "Scream." Each review encapsulates the essence of the film with a satirical twist, often referencing other works or cultural moments. The page also features a link to a separate article titled "Shut The **** Up…Jason Voorhees Is Gay?!" which appears to discuss the "Friday the 13th" franchise from a queer perspective. Lastly, the author invites readers to support their work on queer history through various platforms, including Ko-fi, Patreon, Medium, YouTube, and Substack.

Opinions

  • "Jurassic Park: Dominion" is humorously summarized as appealing to those who enjoyed the suburban T-Rex scene in "The Lost World."
  • "Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice" is critiqued as a narrative of privilege and entitlement, with Batman lecturing Superman.
  • "Lord of the Rings: the Fellowship of the Ring" is cheekily described as a blatant copy of Stephen King's "The Long Walk."
  • "Back to the Future" is given a historical context, suggesting that Marty McFly's mother might have dated to see the "Star Wars" re-release in 1985.
  • "Unbreakable" is praised for its premise but lamented for its sequels, which are seen as inferior to a proposed trilogy idea by Patton Oswalt.
  • "Scream" is noted for the surprising quick exit of Drew Barrymore's character from the film.
  • The linked article on Jason Voorhees suggests a queer interpretation of the character, challenging traditional perceptions within the horror genre.
  • The author's request for support implies a commitment to exploring queer history and themes in media, indicating a passion for and dedication to this area of study.

One-Sentence Movie Reviews

If you can’t sum it up in a single sentence, it doesn’t belong here

Graphic by author, elements from Jurassic Park (Universal Pictures, Amblin Entertainment) and photo by Carlos Kenobi on Unsplash

Jurassic Park: Dominion

IMDB Description: Four years after the destruction of Isla Nublar, Biosyn operatives attempt to track down Maisie Lockwood, while Dr Ellie Sattler investigates a genetically engineered swarm of giant insects.

Finally, a movie for everyone who thought a T-Rex in the suburbs was the best part of The Lost World.

Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice

IMDB Description: Fearing that the actions of Superman are left unchecked, Batman takes on the Man of Steel, while the world wrestles with what kind of a hero it really needs.

Rich entitled white dude lectures impoverished immigrant.

Lord of the Rings: the Fellowship of the Ring

IMDB Description: A meek Hobbit from the Shire and eight companions set out on a journey to destroy the powerful One Ring and save Middle-earth from the Dark Lord Sauron.

Stephen King files lawsuit for flagrant (but bizarre) rip-off of his classic novel The Long Walk.

Back to the Future

IMDB Description: Marty McFly, a 17-year-old high school student, is accidentally sent 30 years into the past in a time-traveling DeLorean invented by his close friend, the maverick scientist Doc Brown.

Given that the original Star Wars trilogy started being re-released in theaters in February 1985 (NYT archive), Marty and his mom probably went on at least one date to see Luke Skywalker make out with his sister.

Unbreakable

IMDB Description: A man learns something extraordinary about himself after a devastating accident.

The only thing that could break this superhero movie are two sequels that could never live up to the far-better premise from Patton Oswalt (ScreenCrush).

Scream

IMDB Description: A year after the murder of her mother, a teenage girl is terrorized by a new killer, who targets the girl and her friends by using horror films as part of a deadly game.

You will scream when you find out how fast Drew Barrymore disappears from this movie.

If you like my work and want to support it, send me a tip or become a subscriber for Queer History on Patreon, Medium, YouTube, or Substack

Humor
Movies
Film
Writing
Funny
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