FAIRY TALES 2023
Once Upon a Modern Time: Discovering What Famous Fairy Tales Would Look Like if Written Today
Teslas and smartphones don’t always lead to happily ever after…
Don’t go in the woods unless you want an old woman to eat you. Don’t promise your baby to an other-worldly creature. Always invite the local witch to your birthday party.
These are the basics of survival and society that fairy tales have taught us for centuries.
But how would those fairy tales differ if they were written in today’s modern world?
Goldilocks and the Three Bears Once upon a time, Goldilocks was fed up with the insane housing market and broke into the home of three bears while they were out getting schnockered on honey with their family friend, Pooh.
But the bears had invested in a SimpliSafe home security system. The police were immediately called and Goldilocks was hauled off to a juvenile detention center where her basic room and board needs were met.
Beauty and the Beast Once upon a time, an enchantress stopped at a prince’s mini-mansion and asked to use his Tesla charging station. The prince — appalled that “one of those poors” was able to buy a Tesla — raged at the thought. The enchantress cursed him, turning his Tesla into a gas-guzzling Hummer.
The prince must repent before the final strips of the ozone layer are burnt away, or be stuck like this forever….which admittedly will not be long when there’s nothing separating the Earth from the rays of the sun.
Jack and the Beanstalk Once upon a time, a teen bought a baggy containing what he thought were drugs but were actually magic beans. Jack made the decision to plant these beans and raise them as certified organic crops, unaware that the beans were already GMOs.
Without the assistance of pesticides, his beanstalk was promptly devoured by the local insect population. The beans’ magical properties then transferred to the bugs, making them massively increase in size. Insect overlords now rule the world. All hail Glorp the Bush Cricket.
Snow White Once upon a time, a woman ate a poisoned apple and fell into a death-adjacent state of sleep that can only be broken by true love’s kiss. To this day, she remains in this state because half of the local princes gave up after she stopped answering their texts and the other half had finally been taught about consent.
Also, the dwarves now have their own reality show called “High Hoe,” where they get totally baked and try to do some gardening around their cottage. For some reason, the fandom is shipping Dopey and Doc really hard.
The Frog Prince Once upon a time, a young woman dropped her phone into a storm drain. She asks a frog to retrieve it for her.
The frog obtains the phone, then absconds with it. He becomes the dopest frog in the realm because…well, he’s a frog with a phone. How many of those do you know?
The Three Little Pigs Once upon a time, a wolf got shot 47 times because he tried to enter the homes of three little pigs who understood their Second Amendment rights.
The Princess and the Pea Once upon a time, a prince met a woman who claimed to be a princess. But this prince was cautious and insisted on testing her princess status.
Unfortunately, the princess selected the wrong answers in her “Are You Really a Princess?” Buzzfeed quiz and was demoted to “raggedy peon” status. She now lives in a studio apartment with four roommates who pay their rent by selling pics on footfinder.
Chicken Little Once upon a time, this little shit discovered that he was a QAnon conspiracy theorist. He then teamed up with the ghost of JFK to expose the deep state. But after being banned from all social media, he found himself unable to get the message out to the (flat) Earth.
The Gingerbread Man Once upon a time, a gingerbread man came to life and ran, ran, ran as fast as he could into the arms of his lover, the Pillsbury Dough Boy. But instead of “Happily Ever After,” they were chased out of Drury Lane due to noise complaints from angry neighbors sick of hearing the rhythmic, quickening “Hmm-hmm-hmmm!” sounds coming from their cottage during quiet hours.
Fairy tales continue to teach us the basics of survival and society and will do so for centuries. Though the messages might be a tad bit different now. So do the smart thing. Just Zoom grandma instead of adding to a hungry wolf’s body count.
If you’ve avoided being eaten by witches and you enjoy modern fairy tales, then you might also enjoy famous authors chiming in on Barbie.
