Your Favorite Authors Give Their Hot Takes on the Barbie Movie
William Shakespeare underwhelmed for this surprising reason
You’ve seen what your friends, coworkers, and that one person who loves to hate on social media have to say about Barbie. But what you haven’t seen is the hot takes that our literary greats have on the box office smash hit. Here’s what our elite scribes had to say:
WARNING: THE FOLLOWING HOT TAKES CONTAIN SOME SPOILERS FOR THE BARBIE MOVIE.
William Shakespeare — Not one woman disguised herself as a man in this play. Absolutely preposterous. Also, there were no major mistaken identity storylines. Therefore, this piece ultimately fails as a comedy.
Ayn Rand — At first, I really dug this story. But what I don’t understand is why the Barbies took back their society when they simply could have absconded to a secret location to watch the resourceless Kens beach each other off into poverty and see their beloved mojo dojo casa houses fall into disrepair.
Robert Frost — Two roads diverged in a wood, and I — I took the one less traveled by, And ended up in a theater showing Oppenheimer instead. It was pretty good.
Edgar Allan Poe — I’ve never known the color pink to be so horrifically omnipresent. Never has the urge to pluck my own eyes from their fleshy prison been so great. Also, no pits, no pendulums, and nobody covered in rats — talk about boring.
George Orwell — This is the most dangerous piece of media to be released to our society. A story that is heartfelt, beautiful, and dare I say it, entertaining — designed to distract us from its true purpose: to fuel even more rampant consumerism.
J.R.R. Tolkien — Barbie goes on an exciting journey, but I am a bit disappointed. Storytelling is all about the food that people eat along the way and Barbie doesn’t seem to eat anything at all! Even the delicious food that is prepared for her in her perfect world doesn’t actually get eaten! She just mimes eating it! This makes me very sad. I shall have to eat a 13-course meal to recover from this.
Jane Austen — I’m confused. I’m all for knocking the patriarchy down a peg, but then Barbie still didn’t get married to Ken or embrace a significant rise in social status? What gives?
Virginia Woolf — I don’t know what to write for this review. There’s a bird on the windowsill. It’s a little stuffy in here. My clock is really loud. Oh yes, focus on Barbie. I enjoyed Allan. In a world dominated by Kens, more men should be like Allan with his soft features and his pale complexion. Wait…remember to buy milk.
Chaucer — Ich triede watchende hider story, buÞ Ich couldn’Þ understanede hẹ̄ uncǒu wayſ th’ characterſ spokæ. Ich think hẹ̄ haede dirtī jokeſ though, perexcellentlī Ich enjoyede intransiciọ̄n.
Leo Tolstoy — My wife won’t help me write this review, so trying my best writing solo… Here we go! Movie good? Margot Robbie does a good acting. There is music. Nailed it!
Charles Dickens — I am deeply disturbed by the socioeconomic depiction of Barbieland. Clearly, the Barbies have gone to great lengths to make sure their poor citizens had no representation on camera. The closest we get to a social outcast is Weird Barbie, and even she has a roof over her head, a working mode of transportation, and a vast plot of land at her disposal.
Anna Sewell — I thoroughly enjoyed the character of Ken. I really related to him, but couldn’t find much else in the film that really gripped me. I too lost interest in the patriarchy (and in this movie) when I found out it wasn’t about horses.
William Golding — I have to confess, Barbie had so much potential late in the game. As Barbieland turns into Kenland, the stage was set for a gripping depiction of feral Kens, vying for dominance in their new world as they struggle to survive. And instead things just…go back to normal? What a letdown.
Sir Arthur Conan Doyle — A gripping mystery that absolutely keeps the audience guessing! I’m still not 100% sure who the murderer is. I’m not even sure who the victim is! That’s how well the murderer covered their tracks in this story. I love how Gerwig leaves us with more questions than answers as the story concludes. Personally, my money’s on Weird Barbie. She could hide so many bodies in that house…
