ESSAY | PERSONAL DEVELOPMENT
On Setting Boundaries
You have to teach others how you want to be treated
Setting boundaries has always been difficult for me. I grew up in an unfiltered environment where people did and said whatever they pleased and if you didn’t like it — not their problem. I wasn’t treated with respect at home, among my friends or at school. I didn’t even know it was okay to stand up for myself. Instead, I internalized all of the pain and shame from being mistreated.
I began making small changes in my late teens and early twenties. I entered a marriage believing that my husband was a generous and caring man, but four months into that marriage, everything began to fall apart. The first mistake — I got pregnant almost immediately. I didn’t know my husband, who already had two kids, didn’t want a third. So when he kicked me in the stomach one night and I lost the baby, my eyes began to open. The second mistake — not only did he abuse me, but he also began physically abusing his developmentally-challenged son. I’d endured a lot of emotional and mental abuse growing up, but physical abuse didn’t happen in my family and I wasn’t about to stick around and be an abused wife. That marriage lasted a whole seven months.
Unknowingly, I’d set my first boundary — I would not endure physical abuse. It’s a shame I didn’t set a similar boundary at the same time for emotional and mental abuse. That boundary would be decades in the making.
That first boundary came up several more times as I bounced around from one bad relationship to another. It would be another eight years before I set another boundary — If you are going to treat me like I am not important enough to you, then I will disappear from your existence. This boundary would end a lot of relationships and friendships. I would no longer tolerate being fourth or fifth in someone’s life. I didn’t always need to be number one, but if I didn’t at least make the top three — bye bye!
I was finally getting the knack for this boundary-setting, though at that time, I didn’t even know what I was doing. Over the next few years, I would set other smaller boundaries — do not take advantage of my generous nature; do not cheat and lie and expect me to forgive and forget; and do not back me into a corner (literally and figuratively) and not expect my claws to come out.
The hardest boundaries to set have been with an old high school friend and my current spouse.
With the high school friend, I’ve had to set two firm boundaries — Do not call me degrading names and do not use my mother’s words. For some reason, she thought it was okay to call me horrible, degrading names (slut, bitch, whore, etc) — playfully, so she said. It took me decades to break her of most of them — often to the point of not communicating with her for long periods of time. I’d tolerated those names from boys in school and men I’d dated in the past and was just not willing to go there anymore, and especially not with a long time friend. There are also two words — my given first and middle names — that my mother would shout at me when she was angry. This friend somehow thought if it was okay for my mom to use them, she could too. So whenever she is mad at me, out come those two words. I still have not broken her of this, even though each time she says them, I tell her ‘You are not authorized to use those words.’ Eventually, I hope that boundary sinks into her head.
However, it has been with my spouse that setting boundaries has been the most difficult of all, but because I love the person he is deep within, I have worked the hardest with him. Two of the most difficult boundaries thus far have been
- If you drink more than three beers, leave me completely alone — he loves beer and after a couple, he gets all philosophical and we have some amazing chats, but if he drinks that fourth beer, he becomes belligerent and argumentative. He can drink all the wine and liquor he wants and this doesn’t happen. It is only the beer. Unfortunately, this boundary still needs reinforcement from time to time.
- Do not try to make me out to be crazier than I already know I am — my spouse has some narcissistic traits and one of the worst is projection. Since we first met in 2001, he has always projected his crazy-making onto me. ‘This is my fault or that is my fault because I am crazy.’ He got this idea because I have been treated for mental illness since he has known me. It was always easy for him to blame things on me than to admit he’d caused his own misery. Thankfully, this boundary finally sunk in and he no longer does this to me — instead he projects his failings onto others. So he still hasn’t learned much from it.
There have been other smaller boundaries I’ve had to set with him — if I place something somewhere, do not move it without asking me first (this is part of my BPD and OCD issues); always knock before entering my studio (this is because I have anxiety issues and if suddenly surprised, I can have severe panic attacks); and don’t try to force me to do something I don’t want to do (this is also because of anxiety and panic attacks).
After three minor separations and one four year separation, he has finally accepted most of my boundaries and I only have to reinforce them every now and again. However, with all of the people I associate with, I still have to set small boundaries when it comes to my personal values and my mental health. It is consistent work and I rarely get a break from it, but it is worth it to maintain my own peace of mind and it lets people know how I want to be treated. It also forces me to reflect on my own words, deeds and interactions with others so as to not break any of their boundaries.
©2020 Lori Carlson. All Rights Reserved.
This personal essay is in response to 𝘋𝘪𝘢𝘯𝘢 𝘊.’s prompt All Things Boundaries
Lori Carlson writes poetry, fiction, articles, creative non-fiction and personal essays. Most of her topics are centered around Relationships, Spirituality, Nature, Life Lessons, Mental Health, and the LGBTQ+ community. In addition to writing for Know Thyself, Heal Thyself, Lori writes for nineteen other publications here on Medium. Check out her personal Medium blog — Ravyne’s Nest.
