SHAGGY SATIRE
Oh Please Change Your Dating Profile!
Advice from a menopausal mutt
Oh, have I got a bone to pick with my older brother. Alas, it’s not his fault he created the worst online dating profile. After all, he’s a human.
The Gift of Four Legs
We see and hear everything from our low-to-the-ground angle. So it’s no wonder that I know my Old Bro’ is deluding himself and the women online.
So, I’ve taken the liberty of tearing Bro’s online profile a new one — literally.
Let’s just hope he sees this — paws crossed.
Old Bro’s Dating Profile
Age: 45
Seriously? The man is 55 — NOT a day younger. Either my Old Bro’ is:
- really bad at math
- has early signs of dementia
- a lying sack of shit
Profession: artist
Yeah…right. My old bro’ is…how do you humans say it? UNEMPLOYED. The only art he creates are pyramids formed from his empty beer cans.
Which brings me to the next “jewel” in his crown of info (man I’m one clever bitch with words):
Drink: socially
Doesn’t social mean you are actually with other humans?? The old bro’ cannot consider me a +1 — certainly not the way he farts and blames ME for it when there’s no one else around.
Let’s move on…
Interests: skydiving, horseback riding, meditation
Say what? The only sky he is falling from is the short decent into the recesses of the couch. And sure, maybe he takes a dive onto that toilet after eating too many bean burritos. But skydiving? Ah, no.
Horseback riding — there are no horses in our home. No equines trotting around the neighborhood. There is one picture of Bro’ on his 5th human birthday… on a pony — a pony — not a stallion.
Though he does look ready to ride bareback more often than not (the things this bitch has to see — thank DOG my vision isn’t the best), Bro’ doesn’t ride any horse or bike.
(And I don’t think those merry-go-rounds count…)
Now meditation — if sleeping mid-Big-Mac munch on the barebacked couch counts (with episodes of TIGER KING playing on the boob tube), then yes, Big Bro’ is one serious, frequent meditator.
About Me: I’m looking for my best friend, my yin to my yang. I’m looking for honesty.
I’m your best friend! You aren’t going to find anyone as loving and loyal as me!
I get it; you want romance. But ask yourself:
How can I expect honesty when I’m not honest with myself?
My Two Kibbles
Look, I get that Big Bro’ is lonely and wants (for whatever strange reason) a companion with less fur who talks and doesn’t bark.
But dude: CHANGE YOUR PROFILE. As the wise author, Oscar Wilde once said (yeah, I do a lot of reading while my Old Bro’ snores — er, meditates beside me):
“Be yourself, everyone else is already taken.”
The right human creature for you will appear when you decide to show up.
Want more of my canine wisdom?
The Friendship Diet
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