SATIRE
Dating Lessons from a Bitch
a canine’s perspective on human behavior
You can relax — I’m back again. Apparently you humans need more of my four-legged wisdom.
Learn to Read!
So there I was, licking the remaining peanut butter off of my paws when my sister started writing a male human she found online. He was good looking in the way of vanilla — nothing to cause my 8 nipples to stand at attention (but nothing to make them sag either).
On a scale of 1–10 in the looks department, this guy was a meh.
Here’s the problem: for the drinking category, the guy chose FREQUENTLY on his profile.
Another issue: He was a smoker.
Look, I’m not one to judge. Hell, if I could stick a cigarette between my paws, you’d probably find me taking a deep drag between leg humps. And I’d love to slurp my long tongue on some beer or wine — that’s not the point.
The issue? Imbibing for my sis’ happens twice a year at tops — New Year’s and her birthday. And the only thing she smokes are bubblegum cigarettes.
Unfortunately, big sis’ is (apparently) illiterate when it comes to meh-looking guys.
The Therapist Will See You Now
Okay, so maybe there isn’t a degree hanging outside my doghouse. Maybe I licked myself while sis shared her dating adventure. But hey, I listened.
My therapy magic worked: she was rubbing my belly in no time.
No need to throw money at “Certified Shrinks.” All problems are just one Buddha-Belly-Rub-On-Me away.
(Well…that and a pint of Ben and Jerry’s, apparently.)
Did You Hear Yourself?
Do you humans ever listen to yourselves? Do you have any idea what you sound like?
You judge us for circling around a few times before we chill on the couch. But there’s a point to that: to get comfortable.
There’s no point to sis’ nonstop-chatter-to-nowhere: she complained about the date BEFORE it happened and she complained about the date AFTER.
She’s the one who winds up in the same spot — not me:
“That’s it. I’m done. Stick a fork in me. No more dating for me. I declare retirement.”
(She’ll be dating in another couple of days. Insert doggy eye roll.)
Learn from this Bitch
Happiness is found living in the moment and paying attention. I relish the smell of another’s butt. I live in the ecstasy of the chase (squirrel? cat? It really doesn’t matter — hell, I even attack them when they’re on the TV screen — I’m still trying to figure out why I can’t reach them…).
If sis had actually paid attention and read meh human’s profile, she’d see (as she did AFTER the horrendous date) Mr. Meh:
- smoked
- drank frequently
- enjoyed hunting (for sport — that isn’t even a thing…right???)
- used recreational drugs
If dogs don’t enjoy something, we don’t do it. But my sis’, knowing she had reservations about the FREQUENT drinking alone, ignored those beautiful animal instincts and subjected herself to time with Mr. Meh — time neither will get back.
So humans, take it from me: LISTEN.TO.YOUR.INSTINCTS.
Tired? Get your ass in bed.
Horny? Get your ass in bed.
Dinnertime??? Notice you are already salivating and for Dog’s Sake, enjoy!
Want More of My Advice?
The Friendship Diet
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