Nurturing Destruction in Everyday Life
Detachment as an act of self-love
Destroy, crash, and burn. Technology is disrupted, social conventions are updated, the environment collapses, and sickness spreads. We live surrounded by destruction, many of which are required for our progression. New life requires old life to die. More adaptable genetic mutations push old ones to go instinct.
Say bye to mom and dad, say hi to your child. Destruction invites renewal. Yet, the pain of separation is emotionally, physically, and psychologically draining. Even initiating a desired breakup brings us suffering. How I have hesitated to quit jobs that I didn't even like.
We lived in our mother’s womb for nine months fully integrated with their body functions with no need of doing anything. Life is peachy. As we leave the womb, we become fully dependable creatures. If someone forgets to feed us, we are screwed. The more we grow and the more we detach from our family, the less other people cater to us. As time goes by, the more we are required to be independent, to have our shit together, and to work for ourselves.
Life as an individual asks us to create our own ground, which can only happen if we temporarily lose ground. Part of the process of leaving the safety of the womb and of our homes is to temporarily become homeless. We can look at it with optimism, for endless potential lies ahead. Yet we experience groundlessness. It's a classic glass half empty/half full dilemma. Where we put our attention dictates our experience.
Every detachment we experience in life reminds us that it is time to work hard. Once again we need to let go of our illusion of safety until we get a grip on our new situation. Detachment can be traumatic, but it is of utmost necessity for growth.
Don't we all want and deserve to live the life of our dreams?
We can’t work on our dreams if we are too attached to our fears. We can’t work on sustainability and keep overconsumption. We can’t become a rock star if our stage fright speaks louder. What does not serve us has to be dropped so that what we want can rise. What side are we backing up with our choices?
“The art of moving forward lies in understanding what to leave behind.” Seth Godin
That’s where pain becomes an ally in our growth. Every time we feel that butterfly in our stomach we know we have tapped into something that really matters.
Anxiety is excitement without presence and breathing. So when we get to that point, instead of focusing on only one side, the fear, we can also breathe into the excitement. When going back is no longer an option, we can potentially stand on the edge of a cliff feeling both fear and excitement for the journey to come. Possibilities are infinite if we allow ourselves to stay open to them.
Destruction for renewal is good stuff. That’s the destruction that comes from a place of love. From wanting what is best for us as individuals and as a species. From loving ourselves to the point where we take the leap and embrace excitement over fear. That is how we destroy that which holds us back.
That is how we abolish slavery and abusive practices, get out of unsatisfactory relationships, vicious circles, and negative self-talk.
Weird enough, not only are we scared of this kind of elevation, but we’ve also come to normalize another type of destruction: the attachment to what holds us back. From a place of lack of self-love, we allow ourselves to compress and crush our precious souls.
These are the behaviors that take us to forget our dreams and conform to a rather sterile life. To not take the time to investigate what we deeply want and need. To depend on someone or something else for a sense of joy. To engage in all kinds of escapisms and not take action. To oversleep, over-drink and over-eat, to overconsume. These are all patterns that disconnect us from our core.
I find it hilarious some of the names given to perfume bottles in the last few years: Gucci’s Guilty, Dior’s Addict, Marc Jacob’s Decadence. When have these qualities become something to aspire to?
“To be fully alive, fully human, and completely awake is to be continually thrown out of the nest. To live fully is to be always in no-man’s-land, to experience each moment as completed new and fresh. To live is to be willing to die over and over again. From the awakened point of view, that’s life. Death is wanting to hold on to what you have and to have every experience confirm you and congratulate you and make you feel completely together. So even though we say the Yama mara is fear of death, it’s actually fear of life.“ Pema Chödrön
One thing is sure, by blocking us from growing, this type of attachment drives us to comply and conform to an economic system that thrives in rat wheels and consumerism. It keeps the current power structure in control and reinforces the status quo.
The reason why our system gets to do that with us is that deep down we are afraid of growing up. We grow up as much as we have to, to be functional beings according to our culture and personal belief system. There's nothing wrong with that really; we humans are optimizers, not maximizers. If it was up to us, chances are we would choose to continue being babies. Fed by our mothers with love, warmth, and food without ever needing to move a finger.
If it was up to us, we wouldn’t go through the pain of any detachment. Good thing life forces us to get out of the womb and age no matter what. It is a golden opportunity given to us, as every time we lose our ground we get the chance to redefine the ground we want to live on.
Every detachment we experience is an opportunity to expand who we are.
What are the attachments that are holding you back, right now?
Can you give a good look at them and transform the fear of detaching from them into the excitement for what could come into your life?
Only one’s own discernment can point out when one is escaping constructive destruction or engaging in a destructive one. Discernment requires us to stop and contemplate what is going on with us. Could you possibly increase the contemplation breaks you take in your life?
It is a clever system, the system of our souls. It requires us to consciously commit. We need to intentionally channel our time and energy to make it happen.
The work of progression is one of fighting against gravity. To stretch, instead of compress. To expand, instead of contracting. Not only today but tomorrow and the day after.
It’s the understanding that if we do nothing but flow with the current of humans, the natural tendency of things is to get worse — to conform more, to get even more scared. To give in to the destruction that limits us.
The flow of the soul requires us to swim against the current — which by the way is a rather normal thing in many fish species. There’s nothing unnatural about it.
The work of progression is the work of detachment. It is a work of death and rebirth, for it requires us to question and reinvent ourselves after every chord is cut. Destruction for renewal. That is how we shatter our beliefs of who we are and see how we are much bigger than we think.
For, out of self-love, we are to embrace shedding the things we are carrying that are blocking us. Our stories, our fears, our socially constructed personalities are not really who we are. It is only by eliminating them that we can rise and become our authentic selves.
“Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us.” Pema Chödrön
Hi, I am Aline Ra M, spiritual guide and healer. I guide my clients to establish strong solid foundations for spiritual growth and soul fulfillment.
Solid foundations don’t mean easy. Solid foundations mean strength, coherence, authority, and cohesion.
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