Satire

NRA Demands Gun Owners Fears Be Added to Separation Anxiety Disorder and Wants Funds for Treatment

The NRA has demanded that guns be added to the DSM 5 Separation Anxiety Disorder criteria. They are also demanding $10 billion to treat the condition involving psychological distress experienced when when gun owners are separated from their firearms.

In a surprising turn of events, the NRA has demanded that the APA add gun related fears to the diagnosis of Separation Anxiety Disorder, currently a disorder diagnosed in childhood. APA members are scrambling to determine what to do, since the move caught them unprepared.

“We are looking into the matter to see if it has merit,” said APA spokesman Dr. Sume Moodie. “However, the NRA will have to be patient as it often takes years to conduct the research to establish and validate a new diagnosis and even then, it is usually added to the section of the DSM that includes conditions for further study.”

NRA spokesman, Colt Wesson, fired off a rapid reply to this statement. “That’s a bunch of hogwash and they know it. They don’t need years to do research on something we’re saying exists. Who knows more about gun behavior than we do? Not a bunch of pansy psychologists who can’t get their act together, that’s for sure. We intend to have this diagnosis in that manual of theirs in the next ten days with the funding arriving at our office within two weeks.”

The timing wasn’t lost on APA. “First of all, that’s preposterous. We’re talking about psychological functioning here, not baking a cake. You don’t just get to slap a diagnosis in our manual because you want to,” said Dr. Moodie. “It’s clear they’re just looking for money. And the rush is an obvious attempt to ram this through in case the President is impeached or resigns. Diagnoses should not be political nor should they be rushed.”

Another APA member who is also a member of the NRA, (and who asked to remain anonymous) said, “It really wouldn’t be that hard to do. We wouldn’t have to add a totally new diagnosis, we’d just have to slightly alter one that’s in there already.”

When asked how that could be done, it was explained that it would mean adding objects, specifically in this case guns, to the criteria for Separation Anxiety Disorder, along with making the disorder applicable to the entire age range as it’s currently limited to children.

“We wouldn’t want a separate disorder that would be strictly an adult disorder since we anticipate the lowering of the legal age for purchasing a gun in the near future,” the anonymous member said.

This member made the following suggestions for potential changes to the current diagnostic criteria for Separation Anxiety.

Separation Anxiety Disorder (from People and Objects)

• Recurrent and excessive distress about anticipating or being away from home or loved ones or objects such as firearms
• Constant, excessive worry about losing a parent other loved one or object due to a disaster a disaster (e.g. a sinkhole opens and the gun falls in, confiscation of firearms by the police.)
• Constant worry that something bad will happen, such as being lost or kidnapped, causing separation from parents, other loved ones, or an object such as firearms
• Refusing to be away from home because of fear of separation from an object (e.g. when going somewhere a gun isn’t allowed)
• Not wanting to be home alone and without a certain person or object (e.g. a firearm) in the house
• Reluctance or refusing to sleep away from home without a certain loved one, or object (e.g. a gun) nearby
• Repeated nightmares about separation from a person or object (e.g. a gun)
• Frequent complaints of headaches, stomachaches or other symptoms when separation from a parent, other loved one, or object such as a firearm is anticipated

In addition to insisting on the addition of this condition to the DSM, the NRA is demanding $10 billion in funding from the National Institutes of Mental Health and the U.S. government to treat the problem. However, rather than going directly to those who are suffering from the proposed disorder, they have said the money will go directly to the NRA and the Gun Lobby.

“It’s not hard to figure out what will help these individuals,” Wesson said. “All it’ll take is making sure that under no circumstances will there be any risk that gun owners could possibly have their gun rights limited, their guns taken away, or be unable to carry them anywhere they choose.

That means money to contribute to campaign funds and to pay those who will lobby government officials to repeal all gun control measures that were unlawfully passed at any time in our history including background checks, pass new laws to ensure any future attempt to limit a gun owners rights in any way is illegal and add a provision to the second amendment that makes any discussion advocating for gun control not only illegal but an act of treason.”

No one with the APA or the National Institute of Mental Health could be reached for further comment as they are all currently in hiding.

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