Humor
New Study Finds Yelling at Athletes on Television Has No Effect On Their Behavior
New research findings have made many sports fan furious.
A recent study conducted with more than 10,000 sports fans has determined that yelling at the television during sports events has absolutely no effect on how the athletes behave. Up until this research was conducted, it was generally believed that communicating with players through television screens allowed players to gain valuable insights and direction from “armchair quarterbacks” who were watching the events elsewhere.
“I just can’t believe that a bunch of sports psychologists are trying to tell us that we don’t make a difference!” said a very disturbed football fan. “Most times, I’ll tell them to pass, or run or tackle and that’s exactly what they do. So I don’t see that there could be anything to what these idiots are saying!”
It’s not just football fans that are distressed by these findings. A disgruntled baseball fan remarked, “This is just ridiculous! Everyone knows how important the fans are in determining how the athletes play. Practically every time I say swing they do and when I tell them to steal or walk someone they do that also. Which part of that sounds like our input makes no difference?”
Other fans have also weighed in about the importance of fan coaching including those that follow soccer, hockey, and basketball. “Everyone knows the on site coaches are just there for show,” one basketball player commented. “We’re the ones who really make things happen. The only coaches who get fired are those who don’t let the players follow our lead!”
“I suppose my lucky underwear didn’t really get the Cubs to the world series either, right?” Another fan asked. “What’s next? We Are the Champions before the game? Playoff beards?”
When the results were first reported, a number of coaches attempted to console devastated fans. “Don’t take it personally, “ former Cubs Coach Joe Madden said. “They don’t listen to their coaches either.”
Many are saying that the study is flawed or that the data was falsified. Asked why the researchers would do that, one fan remarked, “I’m sure it has something to do with the betting establishments. If they think that we can influence the outcomes of the games, then others who don’t know as much about a sport would feel like they were at a loss and stop betting. Then only the fans that are able to actually influence the outcomes of the games would bet and the bookies would lose their shirts. So it’s in their best interest to make sure the amateur fans don’t think that anyone can help determine who wins and who loses.”
Some sports fans who aren’t as involved or whose teams don’t typically do well were more likely to agree with the new investigation. “It totally all makes sense now,” said one golf fan. “I’ve whispered to the golfers before they hit the ball pleading with them to do what I want. And most of the time they do something else. I’ll yell, ‘Please don’t hit it into the sand trap,’ and next thing I know the ball is bouncing right into the sand. Sometimes I swear the golfer is making fun of me by hitting it into the water. It’s like he’s saying, “Not into the sand huh? Okay, but you didn’t say anything about the water!”
With many different sports seasons starting around the world, this research has fans worried. One fan expressed the sentiment of many others. “I don’t know whether the research is true or not, but regardless, I feel pretty darn stupid. I think lots of fans are going to stop yelling at their screens just in case. This could be a disaster. It might be the end of sports as we know it!”
It is currently unclear whether the findings are the result of the inability of the players to hear fans when they scream at their television sets, of whether the lack of a relationship is due to players just being stubborn much of the time. The investigators have said that this will be their next line of inquiry.
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