Narration first — right in the moment — Nowism — with photos along the way

Nowism: i Live a Simple Life

A walk to the lake with some sadness but also laughter. Remember there is joy in sadness too!

A Nowism narrated right in the moment first, transcribed second so simple thoughts without the time to think about the words~

It’s 6:26, February 2023. I can hear a little bird in the backyard, and I can see the sun coming up through the tree beings on the back porch.

It’s starting to feel a little bit like Spring.

Like Spring is on its way. But today is a challenging day for me. Today is my father’s birthday.

::wind chimes chime::

And if you’ve read any of my pieces from this past Fall, I had a life shift.

Wanted to charge up my phone just enough so that I can take you on a walk with me. So we can have a moving Nowism.

(With a lot of coat shuffling on the short walk)

The windchimes in the background and I am going to walk down to the lake.

Going to walk through, off the back porch into my kitchen, lock the door. Walk through the tiny house and take you on a walk with me.

So, we’re walking through the front door. Locking the front door. I forgot my water, but that’s okay. And, the lake isn’t that far from here. It’s cold though and I don’t have my scarf either. But I do have two gloves!

Going to walk past the unsolved mystery.

Oh, damn it’s cold, there better not be anybody in shorts today. And now the unsolved mystery is now just piles of…that flower.

::shivers::

Oh, wow! So I am going to stop here…someone left their trash out — because I got caught by the moon.

The moon is waning, I believe, from the full crazy Hunter’s moon that it was. And I am looking through the old — the old? Well, they could be old, the old tree beings. That don’t have leaves on them.

I wonder if I can… (take a picture)

::trying to take a picture and record which stops the recording::

So apparently I can’t take a picture while I’m narrating. ::laughs:: I may have to edit this one. I don’t know how to do that.

But, there’s some hooligan who threw their old Captain Morgan Spiced Rum — no affiliation — ::laughs:: Not usually a place where people throw their old alcohol bottles.

::shuffling of the coat really begins::

But the moon is beautiful, I had to take a picture. But I can’t take pictures while I’m narrating Nowisms.

It’s a weekend. So there aren’t a ton of people out and it’s still early. Usually people are sleeping around this time.

::walking sounds::

There’s a set of woods that run parallel to the street that leads to the lake. There’s a dog park in there, and there’s trails and there’s a little pond.

On the opposite side (of the trees) there’s another street that has houses and lots of woods. And even those houses are expensive. This town is expensive.

(My teacher parents bought in in the 70s, and 90s — I am not sure they could afford a house here on the teacher salary they had then, even with inflation conversion. Ah, America)

Doesn’t seem like a very interesting Nowism, but it’s my Now.

I live in a town that’s not super big, but it’s not super small. People are friendly, it’s safe. You can walk around at night, as long as you’ve vests on because people will hit you in the dark. There’s not many streetlights on these back streets.

It’s very cold. It’s very cold. But already right now I can see the lake.

Lots of people walk by the lake in the morning. I don’t know about weekends, but the sun has already started to rise. Can’t quite see it yet.

I can see the light from the Sun but the sun itself, not yet.

So I’m just looking at the sidewalk, which is in front of me, and the houses that are on the left side of the street. And the little forest that’s on the right side of the street.

And I can see the light light blue of the lake. And the dark background of the trees that surround the lake. And the sky is, very pale orange, peach almost. It just transitions into this light light almost grey blue.

There’s a whole bunch of birds flying over the lake and there’s not a single cloud in the sky.

The streetlights are still on. It’s that time between night and day. I wonder what that word is in other languages?

It’s very quiet but there are people driving around. I wonder what people are doing at 6 o’clock in the morning? Hopefully not going to work because that would suck.

So, I’m not that far from the lake now. But I’m not running, and I’m not walking my usually slower pace. Because it’s fucking cold. And I’m not wearing shorts (like the kid in this Nowism by the lake brrrrr).

Again, I’m wearing two pairs of pants and my pink hat, I forgot my scarf. (Also am wearing two shirts, my sweatshirt and my long brown coat) and my I forgot my water bottle. Well, I didn’t really forget them I just walked out of the house without them.

The leaves are rustling over there.

::car drives by::

But it’s cold so I’m walking a little bit faster today. There’s lots of pine trees around here. The cool thing about pine trees in the Winter, is that they give us some green. Maybe a dark green, but it’s a green.

I don’t know if I’m the kind of person who just thinks a lot? I’ve always called it overthinking, but I think that I just stay in my head without a way to vocalize. Thoughts just swirl around in there.

I think that’s why I write, so I can just get some of it out when no one is around. (And have always written) especially before technology now you can record shit on your phone, and type shit on your phone. And maybe someday someone will listen.

::lots of coat ruffling::

Here I am at the crossroads.

::another car drives by and takes the turn like a speedracer::

There’s another person driving by (thanks for letting me cross fellow, jeesh what’s the rush?) Good morning. He was like 80, so apparently, I’m part of the 80s crowd now.

::bird sings::

We are all up early with the birds. How can you not? It’s so peaceful, especially on the weekends. Op, there’s the moon to my right. The lake is in front of me. the crossroads is to the West.

Cross the street, look both ways, make sure no happily (and unaware) retired joyriders.

The gate is open. And here I am at the beach. Just me and my lake.

::coat shuffling::

What is that?

You may get tired of these Nowisms of me going down to the lake.

Oh, it’s some kind of anchor buoy (that’s an oxymoron, Jenny- just an anchor). And here is a rubber mat. What’s this for? Maybe the (summer) dock.

::walks on mat::

A blue rubber mat with white lines on it, I’m walking down it, I could run down it.

And it goes to the rocks. I used to collect these rocks, collect the quartz ones.

There’s little tiny shells, some kind of anchor buoy (still just an anchor Jenny) there’s a lifeguard chair.

The sun hasn’t come up over the trees yet! But there’s the moon to my right again.

(Walking closer to “anchor buoy”) It’s like some kind of bucket.

::wind blows::

There’s a bucket, it’s someone’s bucket, a concrete filled one, definitely not a lake (public) thing. There’s a frayed rope and its got some kind of chain on it too.

Here’s a rock, a fairly big rock. That’s just on the ground. I’m going to put my butt on it and chill. Until the sun rises…oh I see a little turtle, turtle head.

I thought they were hibernating? Or is that a leaf? Who knows anymore.

Sitting on the rock.

There’s one very long cloud over there to the left. It’s got like a long stretch and then a doot doot doot (why I said “doot” instead of any other word to make a sound of small trailing clouds, I don’t know.)

It’s windy today, the wind is at my back. It’s always a good place for it. It’s a little frigid.

::wind blows::

I’m not sure I can wait until the sun rises today. And I don’t have my scarf. ::laughs:: I could do without my water, but my scarf! That would have been helpful. Probably better for me to start walking back to the warmth.

I don’t know if this is going to become a Nowism I type up. Because I was thinking a lot about the cold. And even though I was narrating I was thinking a lot about the day. And as I sit here on the public beach — if I look in a certain direction — I can see my Dad’s street and all the houses over there.

And honestly I’m sitting here thinking —

::deep sigh::

Is this what it feels like…is this what it will feel like when my Dad’s actually gone? Like his body isn’t even here on Earth anymore. Because it feels like he isn’t here anymore.

It feels like he’s gone.

::crow caws::

I feel like I’m grieving for a person that’s alive. And of course I’m sure people would say,

“But you can pick up the phone, you can talk to your Dad, your Dad is still here. My Dad’s not alive anymore.” I’ve had people say that to me. ::crow caws:: “You need to talk to your Dad. My Dad died and I didn’t get a chance to talk to him” or whatever (people have said to me).

I have been fielding my father’s phone calls, sometimes three times a day for the past few years. Now that he no longer has a romantic partner, so, he’s got to get his love boost from somewhere. I also mean, daily fielding of calls where he was just screaming at me. About one thing or another. And it wasn’t even because we were saying anything (unkind at all) it wasn’t even because… ::crow caws:: it was just him.

Anytime we disagreed with him, he would just yell. And I’m not the only one he yells at either. Maybe I’m sitting here trying to justify why I’m not going to call my father on his birthday today? Cause I do feel guilty.

::wind blows::

I do feel like — is this something I am going to regret if he dies?

But I think the weight of regretting not protecting myself is much stronger now than me trying to make something work that just hurts me.

There’s another fellow human being on the beach now. He’s wearing a bright orange hat and he’s taking pictures.

I think I am going to stay for the sunrise cause I can see a little puff of a cloud and right now it’s bright pink. So I’m hoping when the sun comes up it (the clouds that may come) are bright pink! And (luckily right now) I won’t have to start walking back because I have to pee.

Because as the saying in goes in our household.

“Go before you go!”

And I did.

It’s beautiful. My feet are very cold. I’m going to take some pictures.

I’ve been taking some pictures. And I realized that definitely was a turtle head. But people are starting to pull up at the lake.

And I’m not sure I am going to make it to the sun coming up over the trees because it’s very cold.

(Have I mentioned that yet?)

And I’ve got the walk back to my house. But I think I just wanted to come down here, as the light is starting to touch the tops of the bare trees.

And I hope for a early Spring. It’s starting to feel like it (despite the cold today the birds are out we’ve had “warmer” days and I saw a squirrel running up a tree trunk earlier).

Directly in front of me, it looks like there’s some kind of water tank, and it’s lit up on the left side because the sun is hitting it. I think I just may have to stay for the sun. Tolerate the cold. Cause I feel like it’s gonna be beautiful.

You know I was thinking this morning, the people that I love know that today is my father’s birthday. And they know that, um, I have a complicated relationship with him.

They know that I am no longer talking to him and I can’t, blocked him from everything — but they also know that today will be challenging.

So some of my loved ones have suggested trying to do something to distract me.

::geese honking through the sky and not distracting me this time::

I’m not one to be distracted by my pain. In fact I’ve probably ‘wawwed’ (wallowed) (frozen lips)…wallowed in it — see my lips aren’t even working it’s so cold — but I can see the sun, it’s coming!

Its almost there! It’s gonna be big, I think. It’s gonna be a big ball of butter yellow. Oh, the geese are flying over the tree line.

I’m just standing here, waiting for the big ball of yellow to come over the treeline and it’s cold. And my feet are cold, and my lips are barely working.

Cold is a pain I have a hard time with.

But this Winter I have been letting go of the constriction that comes with physical pain. Emotional pain I can let go. I can release.

I can cry, I can write, I can art, I can dance.

But physical pain, I don’t tend to cry about.

When my loved ones were trying to find ways to distract me, and I was thinking today:

I don’t want to be distracted by my pain. My pain is here to teach me something. Obviously, I’m not going to be running straightforward into pain.

Heaven knows we have enough on our own.

But even though my feet are painful, and my hands, even with two gloves are painful — I can look at the tops of the trees catching the sun, catching the first sun of the day.

I can see that’s there’s going to be a bright huge sun coming up over that treeline!

And I know, I know, with my heart of all hearts, having experienced it my whole life, that even in deep sorrow, we can also experience bliss.

Like watching the sun come up over the tree line. Seeing a bird land upon the lake. Sending out loving kindness meditation to anyone who is needing it, or open to receiving it.

May you have health.

— Here comes the sun.

May you have safety.

May you have Love.

May you have Peace.

May you have compassion for others and yourself.

May you have all the blessings that this universe can possibly provide for you.

As I face the sun — it’s going to be a fucking gorgeous one — I’m glad I stayed. I’m glad I stayed through the pain.

And to my father (not that he reads ever but know) I hope you have a happy, happy birthday.

And to myself, a happy, happy unbirthday.

Enjoy the moments that you have today. Face the sun for a few minutes.

But don’t stare into it like I just did.

::laughs::

Okay, I’m going to go and take some pictures for you now.

And remember, please remember —

that sadness is impermanent,

the sunrise is impermanent,

joy is impermanent,

the cold wind is impermanent,

everything is impermanent.

It comes and it goes.

Flows out like water, flows in like water. Like the ripples on the water.

God, it’s gorgeous. I am so glad I stayed for this.

And good morning, good afternoon and good night!

Ah, the sun feels so good. Whenever you are, wherever you may be, be Love along the way and namaste, my friends.

Look at this sunrise!

with radical love,

Jenny Lane

🌈💜

~namaste~

Here is the audioversion I’ve narrated of this piece (please see note below)

Note about Authors who personally narrate their pieces on Medium

As of now, our human narrations are NOT calculated into our read time earnings

(Ai listening feature is integrated but if you listen to human narrations embedded like mine, this will bypass any earnings for the author) So if you listen, it would be a great help to us if you could also scroll through/read along. Thank you for listening!

Dear Tony Stubblebine ,

Could we please make human narrations a priority here on Medium in the year of peace, 2023? It would be a wonderful gift for us! Hearing the human heart behind the words brings all of our hearts closer together in humanity. And good gracious do we need this. < 3