The Power of Asking ‘How’ Questions in Coaching and Therapy

Using ‘how’ questions will gain information and understanding

Have you ever noticed questions that start with ‘why’ have a ring of accusation to them?

• Why are you late?
• Why did you go to the market?
• Why is there no coffee left in the pot?

Virginia Satir (1916 –1988), the pioneer of family therapy, acknowledged this too. In her groundbreaking book The New Peoplemaking, Satir made the case to refrain from asking “why” questions and shifted the focus to “how.”

“Understanding the system helps people to ask ‘how’ questions instead of ‘why’ questions. You know how hard you have to work with a ‘why’ question so it doesn’t come out sounding like a blame question… ‘How’ questions get information and understanding, ‘why’s’ produce defensiveness.”

In my work as a Corporate Coach and psychotherapy training, the spark of curiosity is the fire that ignites the desire to ask ‘how’ questions. If you suffer from an incurable inquisitiveness as I do, you may also find yourself drawn to queries of ‘how.’

The following is a list of powerful ‘how’ questions borrowed from Co-Active Coaching.

Assessment:

• How does it look to you?
• How do you feel about it?

Evaluation:

• How does this fit with your plans/way of life/values?
• For instance, how else could a person handle this?

Fun as Perspective:

• How can you make this more fun?
• How do you want it to be?

Integration:

• How do you explain this to yourself?
• How can you make sure you remember what you have learned?

One key observation of ‘how’ questions is the ability to allow the other to consider and reflect upon their response. For example:

How do you feel about moving from the city to the country? Hmm, I feel positive about it. I’ll be able to dig in the gardens, clean the pond and go fishing when ever I want.

There is a sense of space and breath between questions and responses.

Given I’m a student of Gestalt psychotherapy and involved with group work, the simplest, yet most important question I’ve encountered is: ‘How can I support you?’

This inquiry honors both the person asking the question and the response of the other. It prevents me from entering into caretaker mode and grants the other the space to respond to their own needs. The question offers a choice for a person to accept or decline most thoughtfully.

Next time a person asks you why reply, “how can I best answer your question?”

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