Not Wanting Children Doesn’t Make Me Any Less of a Woman

I have no desire to be either a wife or mother, what then will incentivise people to treat me kindly?

If you would have asked me ten different times why I didn’t want children, I would have most likely given you ten different answers; the environment, the cost, the mortality of Black women during labour, to name a few. But my go-to answer these days is, “I just don’t want them.” Because I don’t think it’s a decision that needs to be peer-reviewed by others. There is after all no great mystery or ulterior motive, I just don’t want them.

As for marriage, I have thought about my wedding day however that’s about as far as I’ve gone. You can read about it more here, but as a woman marriage has never appealed to me — it seems like we draw the short straw in the deal. I have also accepted how being childless affects my dating life so it means I am in no great rush for the alter.

I see a lot of comments from people that imply the wealth of a woman is due to her ability to bring life. You’ve probably seen some variation of them from time to time, they go something like, “she’s someone’s mother/daughter/sister/wife.”Or “she is a woman, the bringer of life, a nurturer.” Now not only are these statements transphobic, but it sends out a message that you’re defective if you can’t attain/ don’t want any of these things.

I understand the purpose is to uplift women, but can’t our lives be worthy just on its own? Why do we have to be someone’s mother/sister/wife to have value? Why can’t we be important just by being ourselves?

The act of deciding against having kids is still a highly political one;

There is this view that those who don’t have children are only that way due to trouble finding a partner. Those people are seen as bitter and/or lonely, even though research has found that 52% of parents admitted to suffering from loneliness. With 68% of those parents stating they felt “cut off” from friends and family since starting their family and nearly two-thirds admitting that they felt more lonely after children.

Now, I want to be clear that I am not saying being childless is the miracle cure for isolation, I have after all experienced loneliness before and I will probably do so again. I am only saying that these stereotypes are dated and lacking scientific backing.

I do not believe a worthy life is one that utilises the nuclear family model. I believe that life is worthy by simply being life. After that, it is up to you to mess around with it and create something you can be proud of. Whether that is a family or what I dream of, five dogs.

Pope Francis in 2015 stated;

“A society with a greedy generation, that doesn’t want to surround itself with children, that considers them above all worrisome, a weight, a risk, is a depressed society,” the pope said. “The choice to not have children is selfish. Life rejuvenates and acquires energy when it multiplies: It is enriched, not impoverished.”

But to me, the most selfish thing I could do is bring children into the world knowing that I never wanted them. I know that I wouldn’t be able to be emotionally available for them and I don’t want to be the kind of parent that resents their child over something they had no control over. Nor do I believe these statements are fair for those who have tried yet found themselves unsuccessful when it comes to conceiving.

Nevertheless, no matter the status quo, I will remain childless and hopefully, people will realise that there is more to womanhood than a womb.

ZUVA is an award-winning Leeds based spoken word artist, poet and freelance writer. Click here to join her weekly mail list to get her — Comprehensive Guide for True Beginners — Things I Wish I Knew Before Publishing My First Piece. It contains over 16 articles by 12 different authors on everything you need to know before publishing your first piece here.

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