Not-So-Wet Dreams

When our bodies put the damper on sex.

Disclaimer: Unlike some of the writers on Medium, I’m not a sexpert. I just know what I know. And that includes what feels good and what doesn't.

Alright, then. As we age, we women especially, have to watch, helplessly, as our bodies betray us at every turn. Some of the changes we can mitigate or at least fend them off for a few more years. With others, that’s not the case.

There’s one change I’m thinking of in particular that’s a real ball-buster. Pun intended. And that is the one taking place between our thighs.

It’s called “a diminished or complete lack of lubrication.”

Ouch!

Yes, our vaginas, along with the rest of us, are getting older, too. Damn! Is nothing sacred?

Who wants to be thought of as an old pussy? I sure as hell don’t.

Naturally, every vagina is different. Each one has it’s own story to tell but here’s what never wavers: At some point, we ladies experience a drop in estrogen and that is when everything starts to go to shit.

Most women reach menopause, the dreaded “change,” after the age of fifty. But menopause actually kicks off when we’re in our forties.

It is during this perimenopausal transition that we begin to notice that our vajayjays are drying up.

No more do we gush like Mount Vesuvius when we’re touched in all the right places. (Remember the days when we’d carry a spare set of underwear around with us, just in case?) Naturally, I’m referring to my single self.

And after we’ve reached full-on menopause, as the lining of our vaginas thins out, much like the hair on our heads, and other vulval changes occur, “getting busy” can hurt like a mofo.

And when the lining thins out, our vaginas tighten up. In this case, “tight” is not a good thing. (Guys, if you’re reading, turn away.)

In fact, during sex (with a guy), it can feel like he’s trying to shove a corn cob up there.

Yikes!

In all fairness, it doesn’t feel very good for the dudes, either.

Also, and this is according to Prevention, the wrinkles and folds we’ve come to know so well through the years, like the creases on a much-loved Char Pei, even those can change due to the loss of elasticity. In other words, they shrink up! Like a peach left out in the summer sun! (Or a pomegranate.)

An old, shriveled-up pussy? I don’t think so. We women need to take action, but first, read on.

In our sixties, which is where I’m at, the situation gets even more pear-shaped. Because our brains are programmed to expect pain during intercourse, we have an involuntary action that causes our pelvic muscles to spasm. In a sense, they’re telling us, “This is gonna hurt like a son of a bitch, so hold on.”

And then, of course, it does.

Kegels. You know about those, right? The exercise we can do to strengthen our pelvic muscles? Those are the muscles that support the uterus, bladder, small intestine, and rectum. Very important. Very. Especially if you have involuntary leakage, like peeing when you sneeze.

Kegels are easy to do and here’s the fun part, you can do them anywhere! Even while social distancing in the checkout line at the grocery store. Just follow this guide from The Mayo Clinic:

• Find the right muscles. To identify your pelvic floor muscles, stop peeing in midstream. Once you’ve identified these muscles, you can do the exercises in any position, although you might find it easiest to do them lying down at first.
• Perfect your technique. Imagine you’re sitting on a marble and tighten your pelvic muscles as if you’re lifting the marble. Try it for three seconds at a time, then relax for a count of three.
• Maintain your focus. For best results, focus on tightening only your pelvic floor muscles. Be careful not to flex the muscles in your abdomen, thighs, or glutes. Don’t hold your breath. Instead, breathe freely during the exercises.
• Repeat three times a day. Aim for at least three sets of 10 to 15 repetitions a day.

I view Kegel exercises this way: They can’t hurt.

Before I move on to lubrication and I feel it works, I have to touch upon Hormone Replacement Therapy. Many women explore this as an option when their estrogen starts to decline and they experience all the nasty side effects of perimenopause and menopause. Insomnia, night sweats, painful sex, and the like.

When I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I learned that it was due to having too much estrogen in my body, so HRT was not an option for me.

HRT is not something to embark on lightly. That is a conversation that needs to be had with your doctor.

Okay. On to the slippery stuff. There is an abundance of over the counter lubricants you can try, like Astroglide, for one. That said, I prefer to go the natural route whenever possible.

Here is what I’ve found works the best: Good old-fashioned coconut oil. You’ll want to choose unrefined coconut oil, as refined oils are more processed.

Plus, with the virgin, unrefined stuff, you’ll smell — and taste — like the tropics.

In Glamour Magazine, Sexologist Emily Morse, D.H.S., host of a podcast called “Sex With Emily,” agrees that it’s a good, all-natural alternative to silicone or water-based lubes. “Coconut oil is antibacterial, antifungal, and extremely moisturizing,” she says. “It’s free of any added chemical or toxins, making it seem like the ideal choice for women with allergies or sensitive skin.”

One thing to keep in mind, because it’s oil-based, coconut oil is not safe for use with a condom.

It should go without saying that if you try coconut oil as a personal lubricant and have a reaction, for God’s sake, stop using it! There are other natural options like olive oil and aloe vera gel. Gwyneth Paltrow uses these and the Goop Goddess is never wrong! She steams her vagina!

Bottom line: Sex should feel mind-blowingly awesome. Not painful. If you’re experiencing discomfort during intercourse, please be vocal about it. Make sure you’re partner understands and takes his time with you. If that means extended foreplay, so be it! If Sting and Trudy can do it, so can the rest of us.

Enjoy. And thanks for reading.

Sherry McGuinn is a slightly-twisted, longtime Chicago-area writer and award-winning screenwriter. Her work has appeared in The Chicago Tribune, Chicago Sun-Times, and numerous other publications. Sherry’s manager is currently pitching her newest screenplay, a drama with dark, comedic overtones and inspired by a true story.

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