Not Every Woman Who Disagrees With You Is A Feminist
Depersonalizing is just a defense mechanism
Anyone who knows me at all, anyone who reads what I write, knows that I march to the beat of my own drum. I do life and relationships my way, and express thoughts that I have synthesized for myself out of my own experiences, reading, study, and analysis. One of the reasons that I don’t identify as a feminist, even though I believe in the fundamental feminist tenet of equality for all, is that I don’t want to put myself under the umbrella of some “ism.” I think for and speak for myself.
feminism
fem·i·nism | \ ˈfe-mə-ˌni-zəm \
Definition of feminism
1: the theory of the political, economic, and social equality of the sexes
2: organized activity on behalf of women’s rights and interests
Another reason that I don’t identify as a feminist is that I don’t like having people ascribe things to me that I haven’t said. Probably at least once a day I get somebody (usually male) declaring what feminists say or think in rebuttal to something I’ve written. Meanwhile, I may or may not hold that position myself, and even if I do, if I haven’t expressed it directly, it’s not relevant to the conversation.
Talk to me, please. Interface with the ideas that I’ve expressed -not what you imagine people like me believe.
There are no “people like me” just as there are no “people like you.” We are all individuals, even amongst those who do identify with “isms.”
“Hold on a minute,” I can hear some male voice saying. “You talk all the time about men as a monolithic entity.” Actually, that’s not true. When I do talk about societal dynamics that involve males, I always say, “some men.” Even in describing pervasive paradigms, I always leave room for individual identity and choices because that’s how I want to be dealt with.
Endeavoring to speak about Republicans, feminists, men, or anyone else as a monolithic entity is simply a defense mechanism that is used to not have to interface with someone as an individual. Even though many people don’t have great access to their authentic individual identity because they are unknowingly being run by their wounds, programming, and unconscious bias, it’s still unfair to lump them in with some group of people who happen to fit their demographic.
When I’m speaking about the illusion of individuality here, I’m referring to the erroneous belief that many Americans have about their ability to move through the world based in conscious choice, standing as an island that is completely removed from their culture. They use that individualistic stance as an excuse to give way too much weight to their conscious intent.
You are an individual, but also a member of your society. The degree to which someone may have been influenced by cultural narratives and unconscious biases might vary from person to person but it does not negate the fact that such narratives and biases do exist in the society.
It’s a paradox — more than one thing can be true at a time. I realize that it’s much easier and more simplistic to pretend that isn’t so and to treat people as though they belong in one box or another, but I’m going to guess you wouldn’t want to be treated that way. So don’t use the term “feminist” to apply to every woman who doesn’t agree with you, because she may or may not be an actual feminist, and most likely that word is being used as a pejorative and an excuse to not actually listen to what she’s saying. That may feel good, but it’s also lazy.
I have a background in sociology. I look at many things from the place of a broad scope, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t see and value people as individuals also. And I sure as heck want to be talked to and treated as such.
© Copyright Elle Beau 2020 Elle Beau writes on Medium about sex, life, relationships, society, anthropology, spirituality, and love. If this story is appearing anywhere other than Medium.com, it appears without my consent and has been stolen.