Not a Story by Hogan Torah About Running a Race in High Heels

Summary

Hogan Torah humorously recounts his non-involvement in a high heel charity race, maintaining his truthful reputation while engaging in playful banter with his editor, Susan, and teasing an upcoming story.

Abstract

Hogan Torah, a popular and virile humor writer, addresses his audience with a tongue-in-cheek narrative about declining to participate in a charity event that involved running in high heels. Despite pressure from his friend Richard "Dicky" Long-Dickson and his editor Susan, Hogan insists on his commitment to truth-telling, which prevents him from fabricating a story about the event. He humorously describes a compromise involving a brief walk in high heels to appease his editor and avoid her wrath. The article includes playful jabs at the editor, references to a secret communication code with Susan, and a mention of a friend, Milo, who whistled at Hogan during his high heel escapade. Hogan also hints at an upcoming story with his signature style, filled with "ficks" and "ducks," and ends by promoting a fundraiser for a personal cause.

Opinions

Hogan Torah perceives himself as a paragon of virility and humor, which he believes is unmatched by imitators.
He values truthfulness and is reluctant to write about experiences he hasn't genuinely had.
Hogan engages in light-hearted teasing with his editor, Susan, and implies a playful, flirtatious relationship.
He sees himself as a trendsetter among his "bros," maintaining a reputation that he feels obligated to uphold.
Hogan pokes fun at the editorial process, referring to the "editor fairy" and her influence on his writing.
He expresses gratitude towards his friend Milo for the camaraderie shown during the high heel incident.
Hogan is keen on keeping his audience engaged, promising more of his characteristic humor in future stories.

Hogan Torah didn’t approve this message

This is Hogan T, checking in with my bros, male and female alike. Yo. Dude. This isn’t the story you expect from me. I’m SO popular now that editors of a humor publication talk about me in meetings and attempt humor in a piss-poor imitation of my virility. But without as many typos, ducks, and ficks.¹

A nightmare began when my best bro — Richard “Dicky" R. L. L. Y. Long-Dickson — talked me into participating in a 2015 charity event involving the wearing of women’s high heel shoes. Cap’n Susan found out and demanded I write about it. But it didn’t really happen, so I can’t. Everyone knows I always tell the truth.

However — I have a certain reputation to uphold among the bro cognoscenti,¹ after all — I was persuaded by Susan promising to text me a picture of her feet. In high heels! I expect to receive it any moment. Little did you know she and I communicate via a secret bro code on Facebook in the Muddyum Outlaws group:

The Editor Fairy can publish this because Hogan Torah Facebooked a Private Note of hers without asking first.

But I digress. As I often do, but usually in a manly voice with more ficks and the occasional duck. To avert Susan’s wrath, today I borrowed my oldest son's favorite high heels and hobbled out my driveway to the street and back. Are you satisfied now, Mudditors? Are you? You ought to be. My buddy Milo whistled at me from his Fiat Cinquecento as he drove by at just that moment.

You don’t suck, Hogan. Thanks. — The Cap’n

This is Hogan dropping the mic. Stay tuned for something bigly ficked and fantastically ducky in my next story, in my actual voice.

¹ Bros in the know, in case you didn’t. In typing it, editor fairy realized she’d just read cognoscenti not said it out loud. Think cognac unless you’re a British English speaker — it’s pronounced like this.

In lieu of anything high heel-related, Hogan just learned he could support the following fundraiser for one of his favorite people:

Thanks for clicking! the fundraiser ended on 10/29/21

P.S. The editor fairy wrote this under the influence of a Bon Bomb.

¹ Ducks & ficks hang out here.

Google Hogan Torah; he autofills

Not a Story by Hogan Torah About Running a Race in High Heels

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