FOWL LANGUAGE

My Awkward Relationship with Four-Letter Words

Gadzooks! F*ck is just a word

Unlike me, my adult daughter says fuck when it’s appropriate, without hesitation. I raised her that way but if I were able to say that word at all, embarrassment would be involved. It’s hard even to type it.

I remember blushing the first time I said shit in public, in a nice restaurant, around age 22. I was carded and didn’t realize I’d forgotten my wallet until that moment.

I’m glad neither of the men I married is or was particularly foul-mouthed.

My father the atheist never cussed in my presence until I grew up. Instead, he said GOD BLESS A MILK COW, with great feeling as required. In 19 years of living together, my mother swore exactly once in my hearing — damn, when she tripped over a blackberry vine. She chastised me for saying cripes in junior high. “That’s a euphemism for Christ.”

So I began saying feces, which she had no problem with.

What the pho is AF

My sister-in-law has more of an issue with the F-word than I. She won’t watch movies in which the bomb drops too freakin’ frequently but enjoys saying “what the fuh-hell.” F’hell? Pho-hell? How the hell is that spelled?

Comparatively speaking, I’m old and live under a rock. Does anyone say AF? Is it pronounced aff? I could manage that without embarrassment. It’s easy to type!

F-ing research

Online, I ran across an interesting article in WIRED about the science of swear words. Apparently, no-nos make up a higher proportion than expected of both three- and four-letter words. The latter leads to a slightly higher proportion of no-nos in eight-letter words as well. I’m not a language expert but assume that’s no bullshit.

I was going to quote from the article but got sidetracked looking at lists of four-letter words. Somewhere in the midst of cunt, dick, dyke, fuck¹ my brain veered off to Mary Tyler Moore for some reason.

Saying piss, piss off, pissy, and pissant poses no problem. Bodily waste words are easier to verbalize than other vulgarities.

Freaking News

With trepidation, I recently accepted Hogan Torah’s friend request on Facebook. It occurred to me this morning at breakfast that hubby probably would enjoy Hogan’s humor in a way that’s beyond me, so I read him a story out loud. Doesn’t matter which one, does it? Don’t they all include duck and fick infestations?² BTW, Hogan, editor fairy swooped in and left some notes.

Turns out that reading someone else’s ficks and ducks out loud is quite different from saying the same words in my own persona. Hubby seemed to enjoy the ad hoc performance. If a sasquatch starts following you, Hogan, you’ll know hubby figured out the app. Don’t hold your breath.

For next time, I’m on the lookout for ducky reading material equally appealing to an XX nonbro like me. Come to think of it, the breakfast table might not be the best possible time and place for ducks and ficks to be flocking and titillating XXXily.

¹ It was easy to copy-paste those four four-letter no-nos. Something to remember! If fowl language starts appearing regularly in my writing, though, somebody please check me for Alzheimer’s.

² Except for Hogan’s serious stories, of course. I promise the music-related ones are on my radar, H. I know how it feels when no one reads your darling musical prodigies.