Nonmonogamy Only Works for Us Because We Make Our Own Rules
Those who aren’t in some kind of ethically nonmonogamous arrangement assume that we all play the same and that it’s a free for all but it is not. In fact, every couple who engages in these communities makes their own rules, and sometimes the rules line up and other times they build walls. As long as your partner and you know what the rules are and stand by them, then that’s the only rules that matter. That, and how you must understand that you need to revisit and rewrite the rules at any time. That means that open and honest communication between partners is necessary at all times.
Make Your Own Rules
I am not sure what you would call us because we mostly only play with others as a couple. Now, what occurs within these variations depends on the dynamic we have with those we choose to share it with. Most of the time, outsiders could never imagine the kind of fluid, responsive arrangement we have. Others assume that we are swingers and we trade partners for instance. Vanilla people assume that we swap partners and throw keys in a bowl.
But that’s not what everyone does who practices nonmonogamy and there are many different arrangements and understandings between couples spanning from swinging to polyamory. For instance, in the world of swinging, many couples choose to only engage with women, others like the environment of a sex club, for instance, but they will go home to play, and others are down to fuck. Of course, there are several other variations, but these are just a few. The point here is that everyone has their own rules, and in order to ensure you don’t lose one another in the jungle you must share the same blueprints.
Now sometimes we also do whatever and whenever but if and when we bend our rules then we discuss this ahead of time. Then we also make sure to debrief after the experience. Do we want to do that again?
Like when I am about to go on a date, my partner and I talk about it, ahead of time. This doesn't occur very often but when it does it’s when I am on vacation and my partner has to work. Those are the times when we may decide to bend the rules to add more fire to the bedroom because when I go off and be a naughty girl like that then I am rewarded like no other.
I bet I know what you're wondering. Does my partner go on dates too? No, he does not, but that’s our business. Period. Most couples respect that but for the ones who question it, then they are not for us. Again. Our rules.
Move at the Pace of the Slower Partner
In exploring nonmonogamy it is important to remember that you do not have to do anything you are uncomfortable with and that this arrangement is for you to arrange and make your own. You can take what you want from it and give what you want to it. You can choose to go to a dance club with other like-minded couples to flirt and dance, or you can find a play partner all in one night. You are the director. That is how it should be between a couple entering the lifestyle. You should move at a pace that is as slow as the slowest partner.
No one should feel pressure to move at a faster pace or to do anything they are uncomfortable with. For the most part, those entering ethical nonmonogamy are very conscientious about consent, but sometimes you can find bad apples, and it’s very disheartening to see when a partner is being coerced. It's not fair to anyone, not for the couple in question or to anyone they are meeting.
Take Time to Process Emotions
As long as you are on the same page then that is all that matters. This increases the chances of successfully riding the waves of nonmonogamy together because I don’t buy that whole, there is no emotions crap. Life is full of emotions even when we say there are no strings attached. So maybe you don’t develop a small crush on a play partner. What if they develop one for you? What if you become wrapped up in comparing yourself to others? Inevitably emotions come up, and often, there is no way to run away from them because there is nowhere to hide when having sex with others. That is why debriefing after new experiences is very important.
Stick Together in Crowds
The reason why so many couples who are in the swinging lifestyle have strong relationships is that they have to be solid enough in the first place to even last. When you experience feelings of jealousy you need to work through them and come out on the other side, remembering why those emotions are meant to be fleeting because you are partners and you are doing this together.
You are in this together. You entered together and you stay together, and if you leave then you leave together.
Now, if and when that line is crossed is another story and I have seen it get crossed before between many couples. We have witnessed break-ups of marriages, couples, and play partners. We have weathered the storms.
We have also noticed that many couples in the lifestyle happen to be those who come together in a second marriage. There is something more adventurous about these couples that makes them more likely to be in the lifestyle. It’s a generality I am making, I know, but perhaps you have experienced it. Start to look out for it and see if perhaps you notice it too.
Wrap Up
Whether you’re someone who has considered exploring ethical nonmonogamy or you’ve tried it in the past with the wrong partner, it’s important to remember that the way you engage with the lifestyle is up to you. If you are equally invested in pursuing this lifestyle then it is important to make your own rules based on your comfort level. It is also crucial that you and your partner know rules are made to be broken and reinstated. It is always a good idea to move as slow as the most reluctant of the pair so as not to overwhelm anyone and to ensure you are always on the same page. In addition, it is your wonderland to explore. You may try something and then decide that it’s not for you. As long as it’s an equal partnership and everyone’s needs are being met and validated then there is no risk in exploring.
Just remember you enter as a couple, stay as a couple, and leave as a couple.
Unless of course, these aren’t your set of rules.
Follow Amber Embers Confessions of Tales of being a Swinger, a Cougar, a HotWife, a Bi Goddess, an Exhibitionist, and a Submissive. She is also the Founder of Kink, Think & Swing. [email protected]
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