Nobody cares (as much as you do)
Want to empower yourself to achieve? Accept that nobody is thinking about you the same way you were.
by: E.B. Johnson
We spend a lot of time obsessing over what the world thinks about what and what judgements it’s making. As a matter of fact, a lot of us spend more time thinking about the judgements of others than we think about our opinion of self. What others think of us is none of our business. Obsessing over their judgements can hold us back in life and in love, though. If you want to break free of this toxic obsession, then you have to admit the truth: No one is actually thinking about you as much as you’re thinking about yourself.
Why we think they care more than they do.
Are you someone who spends a lot of time thinking about the people around you and what they think? Do you feel like everyone is constantly watching you and judging you for the things that you do? This is a toxic pattern to get stuck in. Getting to the root of it requires first admitting why we think they care more than they do.
Insecurities as a standard
Our personal insecurities are one of the biggest reasons we become obsessed with what others think of us. Are you someone who feels insecure about their body? Their job? Their life in general? Because you feel that these things are a weakness in your life, you worry that the world outside of you sees those as shortcomings too. Fearing their judgement, you go to great extents to conform and hide. But going to these extents often separates us from our joy.
Blighted expectations
There are a lot of expectations that we have been brought up with in life, and those expectations seem to have increased as we shift towards a more individualistic society. It’s all about the self and gratifying the self these days. And with that comes the idea that we are a supreme being in our own universe. When you fall into that trap, however, you can start to expect everyone around you to follow suit. You might expect that everyone else will think about you and celebrate you when things are good or bad. But that’s not the case.
Less-than-ideal examples
Did you have parents or caretakers that set terrible examples for you in childhood? Maybe they taught you you had to appear perfect to others? Perhaps they taught you that your outward image was the only way to earn love and belonging. Nothing could be further from the truth. Authenticity is how we find acceptance and happiness in life. We don’t get it by impressing everyone around us or fitting their standards of “normal”. You can’t spend your life worrying about what other people think if you want to be happy.
Narcissistic outlook
We all have narcissistic tendencies (and some of us are outright narcissists). It’s important to confront these tendencies in ourselves and recognize the behaviors that result from them. Being overly concerned with the opinions of others can be one such sign. When we are overly focused on ourselves, we can start to assume that everyone around us is equally focused on us. This is fool-hardy, though. Letting go of the ego is necessary in breaking free of the perceived judgements of others.
Why others are incapable of caring as much as we do.
But if we spend so much time thinking about others — why don’t the same for us? Like it or not, everyone is fighting their own personal battles. Even when they are close to us, or deeply loved by us, they still have their own fires to put out. We are the only ones living our experience. No one else can ever understand the depth of what we go through.
Handling their own burdens
Everyone around us is handling their own battles. We all have stress and struggle in our own various ways. For some that stress is the family that they come home for, or the work they have to meet every day. For others, it’s the internal pain that they’re still battling with in the past. Even if you can’t see it, we are all hurting (or have known hurt) in some way. When others are struggling, they’re not thinking about us. They’re focused on getting the best likely outcome for themselves above all else.
A lack of understanding
We all come from different places in life, and these places supply us with experiences which inform the person we become and how we understand the world. Although we may like them to, not everyone can understand where we’re coming from. They are so far removed from our experiences that they exist in a reality that is too different. Acknowledging this is empowering and allows us to break free of our fear of others and their opinions.
Different perspectives
While you might like to have someone right there in the fight with you, no one is able to fully see and understand our lives to the extent that we do. The surrounding people don’t have the same depth of knowledge about our experiences. They are not living our lives, and they have no ability to perceive everything we have to go through in order to act or make the decisions that we make. When we accept the fact that we all have different perspectives, we realize that no one around is really capable to comment on our lives or how we live them.
Lacking in awareness
Quite simply, some people don’t have the awareness it takes to even notice what others are doing. They can’t see the struggle you’re going through, and they can’t (or won’t) see the successes either. They’re completely focused on what’s going on in their lives. While they may play the role society forces them into, and they may pretend to be present in their lives, they don’t even have the emotional depth it takes to support or dismiss what’s going on. They’re surface level, and that it is what it is.
How this information empowers us to achieve.
If the idea that no one really cares is scary, you need to change the way you think about it. Just because no one loves us the way we love ourselves does not mean that we are alone in the world. Instead of recoiling in fear, we have to see it as an opportunity to embrace a better future. Accepting that no one is thinking obsessively about our flaws and mistakes empowers us to achieve improved feeling, self-realization, and authenticity at the end of it all.
1. Letting go of the anxiety
Do you feel strangled by constant anxiety when it comes to everyone around you? Do you worry about what they’ll think? Do you worry what they’ll say about your job, or your outfit, or that crazy project you want to start? The best way to rid ourselves of this anxiety is to realize that no one is thinking of us nearly as much as we are thinking about ourselves. Even if they spare a thought about what you’re doing, it won’t be long enough to matter.
Look at how much time you are wasting worrying about the thoughts of others. Do you truly think they are spending that much time thinking about you? When they are struggling to put their kids to sleep, do you think they’re worried about how you feel? What choice you might make about your life?
There’s a hint of narcissism in us all. We spend all day inside our heads, worrying about every single aspect of our lives. It’s only natural that we come to think the same would be true for others. And while it is, it’s entirely different. Other people only think about themselves as much as we think about ourselves. They’re not obsessing over what you do when it comes to dealing with the pressure of their own lives. Want to feel less anxious? Understand that no one cares as much as you do about your life.
2. Finding our authenticity
Stop holding yourself back by investing in the opinions and beliefs of others. It’s time for you to find your authenticity, but that won’t happen until you understand that no one really cares. They have too much happening to get active in the way of your authentic self. You’re the only one allowing them to get in between of what you need and want from life.
Embrace your authentic self for everything that it is. What makes you happy? What makes you feel as though life is worthwhile? Pursue people and experiences that help you experience fulfillment. Stop chasing dreams that leave you empty. Stop living up to standards that fill you with resentment or lead you off track from joy. This life is the only one that you have, and you have a limited time with it (but enough time to thrive). Give yourself the best chance by knowing and accepting the depth of your authentic self.
3. Connecting the dots
Have you had a hard time connecting all the dots in being happy? Falling in love? Getting that family or career that you always wanted? You can’t connect the dots when everyone and everything else is getting in the way. You can connect the dots, though, when you realize that no one really cares enough to stop you from being who you are.
What equals happiness for you? How can you go from where you’re at right now to where you want to be? When you remove what someone else might say or think from the equation, you stand with a heap of possibility. We can connect the dots and acknowledge ourselves for who we really are only when we get out of our own way and stop worrying about the potential reactions of others.
4. Discovering peace in independence
We are social creatures, and a lot of us were raised to believe that this social need was actually a social dependence. Taht’s not true, though. While having the comfort and company of others is great, it becomes a burden when we make the onus for our value in the world. By letting go and seeing reality for what it is, we give ourselves an unrealized freedom and ability to live independently in the truth of our values and needs.
To know that no one is thinking about you as much as you are can feel lonely. It can feel alienating too when you don’t know how to shift your perspective to one of embracing. There is a peace in this newfound aloneness. To know that no one is really as obsessed with our mistakes as we are is to give ourselves a new independence.
Instead of seeing yourself as being “alone” or “abandoned,” see yourself as independent. Independence is powerful, positive, and transformative. It means that we are free to choose a path for ourselves. And it means that we are free from the control of those that surround us. Instead of clinging to the useless perspectives of those who aren’t willing to help you focus on the good in your life and what you can control instead. It’s a freeing way to shift the way we see ourselves and the way we perceive the world.
5. Empower the better parts of self
When you realize that no one really cares what you do (as long as it doesn’t get in their way) you become empowered to be a better person. You can lean into your compassion. You can reach out to all those people you were afraid to be friends with; or take those opportunities that were really calling to you.
Detaching from the idea that we have to please others is freeing. It allows us to chase all the niceness that their judgement prevented. Instead of running from who we are, we fall into step with the things which we wanted all along. Want to empower the better parts of your nature? Stop pushing yourself to be something that you aren’t. Embrace who you are and the natural kindness and compassion that allows you to connect with the world on a deeper level.
Putting it all together…
Many of us spend a lot of time worrying about what others think of us. We spend so much time worrying about it that we give ourselves anxiety and fear. Instead of holding ourselves back with the toxic obsession, we have to wake up to the truth that can free us. No one is thinking about us as much as we are thinking about ourselves. Accepting that allows us to embrace a new future. One that is entirely self-determined and authentic.
When you allow yourself to let go of the idea that people really care about what you do, you become able to let go of the anxiety that plagues you. Instead of worrying about what people think, you can focus on what you really want to do. Adopting this new outlook also enables to embrace true authenticity in your life and in your person. Get other people out of the way. Then you become better able to connect the dots on the journey to your happiness. Want true peace and independence? Accept that no one is thinking about you as much as you are thinking about yourself. Let go and empower the better parts of your inner humanity to come out and shine.
- Hendin, H., & Cheek, J. (1997). Assessing Hypersensitive Narcissism: A Reexamination of Murray’s Narcism Scale. Journal Of Research In Personality, 31(4), 588–599. doi: 10.1006/jrpe.1997.2204
