Summary

A stay-at-home mom (SAHM) reflects on the unforeseen marital dynamics and power imbalance that emerged after leaving her job to care for her children, highlighting the undervaluation of her role and the subsequent impact on her relationship with her husband.

Abstract

The author shares her personal experience of transitioning to a stay-at-home mom, a role that brought unexpected challenges to her marriage. She describes the gradual shift in her husband's perception of her, from an equal partner to someone whose worth is diminished due to her unpaid labor at home. Despite her significant contributions to the family, including managing household responsibilities, raising their children, and volunteering, her husband, who values financial success, treats her as a 'kept woman' rather than a respected partner. The article underscores the importance of mutual respect in a marriage, especially when one partner sacrifices a career to care for the family, and criticizes the outdated gender roles that can lead to a power struggle within the relationship.

Opinions

The author feels undervalued and disrespected by her husband since becoming a SAHM, as he equates financial contribution with personal worth and importance in the relationship.
She believes that her husband uses his busy career as an excuse to be unavailable and neglect his responsibilities at home, while simultaneously taking control of the marriage and household decisions.
The author's sister attempts to challenge her husband's perspective by highlighting the importance and value of the SAHM role, suggesting that success and busyness do not justify disregarding family and marital responsibilities.
The article suggests that the husband views himself as the 'provider' and 'cash cow,' adopting a 1950's-style role that places him in a position of superiority over his wife.
The author criticizes the power dynamics in her marriage, where her husband controls the finances and dictates what she can and cannot do, treating her like a subordinate rather than an equal partner.
She points out that the societal narrative around being a SAHM often overlooks the potential for a power shift in the relationship and the importance of maintaining respect and equality.
The author implies that despite efforts to balance responsibilities and maintain communication, the core issue of respect remains unaddressed in her marriage.

No One Told Me This About Becoming a SAHM

Every stay-at-home mom needs to read this

My husband and I are arguing. Nearly every conversation ends with him saying he’s a busy man. This is his excuse for being unavailable, forgetting things, or upsetting me.

My sister has a great relationship with him and invites him to lunch.

“You think you have a pretty important job,” she says.

“I do,” he replies.

“Well,” she says. “I save lives for a living.”

For a moment he is caught off guard. My sister invokes the type of conversations that make you think and she’s insightful.

She’s attempting to make him see this from a new perspective.

Lots of people have demanding professions and make time for others.

This is not a new excuse for my husband.

He’s been a busy man since our first son was born.

Back then, I would point it out to no avail. The busy man had time to go to baseball games, golf, and happy hour. He could take off and go out of town with the guys. He could spend an hour on the phone with someone from work, not talking about work.

I wish someone had told me about the stay-at-home mom marital transition.

At least for a portion of us.

That my husband would deem himself a Godlike being. The provider. The cash cow. The maker of all things green. The bringing home bacon 1950’s throwback.

The man. The success.

The marital prince.

And me, the Cinderella stay-at-home mommy.

I wish I understood when I walked out of an office in favor of pushing a stroller, he was fitting me for a glass slipper. He was taking control of our relationship but I had no idea.

My rank was being lowered. Best friend, lifetime partner, and wife were being exchanged for a ‘kept woman.’

It was easy to miss in the beginning.

It was a privilege to afford to be a stay-at-home mother.

For us, we had to either hire someone to replace me in our business or hire someone to watch our children. Early on, I brought my son to work with me. Then we hired a babysitter and ultimately I transitioned to being home.

A home that I worked in all day. And when I wasn’t there I was volunteering. Even my husband said I did the volunteer version of working. And while I might have physically been removed from the office, I was still involved in problem-solving, marketing, running to the post office, the bank, etc.

But I had married a man who placed a high value on money.

And that lowered my worth.

Except in his definition of success.

As long as we were married, he was the big man on campus who could afford a stay-at-home wife. A show pony (okay I’m being a bit generous with myself here) but it sounds so much better than a woman on his arm. One who could socialize and attend work events.

One who could keep things going so he could come and go.

The mommy cleaning the house, handling home repairs, bill paying, and all those other pesky things like car negotiations, mortgages, insurance, and such. Not to mention caring for our three boys.

And he had become a parent as well.

One that told me what I could and couldn’t do, what I did and didn’t need.

Because in addition to anointing himself the marital prince…

He’d become the royal bank. And it wasn’t the most trustworthy institution. It froze my debit card, refused to allow me withdrawals, omitted my name from a business account, and discharged money in the form of a weekly envelope — a stipend.

Of course, this didn’t happen until I, the stay-at-home Cinderella voiced her unhappiness. My feet were swelling after years of wearing those glass slippers. And a girl has to speak up.

I wanted respect.

The kind truly privileged stay-at-home moms experience.

I knew others who lived this phenomenon.

Women who were married to busy men. Men with demanding careers. Men whose contribution, that same color green, never rivaled the value of the woman they loved.

There was no relationship hierarchy.

And why should be there?

It’s contradictory to the word itself…a relationship…the beginning of the word says it all. It’s a ‘relay.’ A back and forth. A not one without the other kinda deal.

My sister’s words that day fell on deaf ears. The busy man who works approximately nine months out of the year? Well, you guessed it. He’s still busy.

If you google articles about stay-at-home moms they will raise lots of questions.

They will tell you to determine if you can afford it, how to budget, how to delegate responsibilities between spouses, how to prioritize communication and ‘me’ time, and to weigh the pros and cons between working OUTSIDE of the home versus IN it.

But they won’t talk about the gradual power shift.

That happens even if you delegate duties and have date nights.

None of that matters if you haven’t attached yourself to respect.

If someone deems themselves more important…and you less. Because once upon a time, you made a joint decision to take care of the most precious and important beings in all the land.

No One Told Me This About Becoming a SAHM

Every stay-at-home mom needs to read this

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