No, My Vibrator Does Not Replace My Partner

No one should be threatened by enhanced pleasure

I didn’t buy a vibrator because my boyfriend couldn’t satisfy me sexually.

I bought my first vibrator because I’m a curious person by nature, and I like to try new ways to have fun.

Vibrators always seemed appealing to me, and I had wanted to try one as soon as I became a sexually active teenager. The only problem was, I didn’t really know how to get my hands on one. And if I got one, I had no idea where I’d keep it so my parents wouldn’t find it.

My first vibrator came into my life just as I entered adulthood. I was living with Mr. Austin and I mentioned that I wanted to get one.

I wasn’t sure how he would take it. Sex with him was incredibly satisfying, and we were still full of new relationship energy. I worried that saying I wanted to get off with a sex toy would make him feel insecure or question how much I really enjoyed fucking him.

To my surprise, he wasn’t just okay with it — he helped me buy one.

We ordered it online and paid for it by mailing a money order because we’re old and this was back when people didn’t trust websites with their credit card info.

We were both pretty naive about sex toys back then, so the vibrator I bought was basically a giant phallus with batteries in it. I didn’t have the imagination to think of sex toys as much more than just vibrating cocks.

And so after waiting a few weeks for the package to be shipped internationally to our front door, I finally had my first real sex toy. A girthy, veiny, 8-inch purple and glittery silicone vibrator.

My First Solo Voyage

I knew guys being insecure about vibrators was a thing. I knew of at least a few who worried that their girlfriend using one would mean that they’d be replaced.

I had no intention of replacing Mr. Austin. When I ordered my first vibrator, I figured it would be something to play around with and help me pass the time while he was away at work.

And that’s how I used it the first time. With my boyfriend gone to do some manual labor for nine hours, I was left to my own devices — this time, with my own device.

I pulled my pants off and laid in bed. I felt the heft of the vibrator in my hands and then turned the dial. It buzzed with intimidating intensity, so I left it on a low setting. Then, I touched it to my clit and came within a minute.

I was in absolute shock at how fast it worked and at how strong of an orgasm it gave me. I expected to have some kind of fun with it, but I didn’t expect it to work like magic.

I laid there thinking, “What fucking sorcery is this?!” (Get it? Fucking sorcery…)

This was a whole new sensation. But it didn’t make me want to get rid of Mr. Austin and just vibe myself all day long. Instead, I had the same urge I had whenever I discovered anything fun — I wanted to get him in on it.

I told him about my fast and massive orgasm. Instead of being insulted or upset, he got excited. He asked if he could watch me use it. He asked if he could use it on me. He asked if I wanted to try using it during sex.

(In case you’re wondering, my answers were: yes, yes, and yes.)

And so we added it to the mix. The vibrator gave us a new way to play.

Everyday Life with a Vibrator

I very rarely fucked myself with the vibrator. When I did, it was usually to give my boyfriend a show, not because that was my preferred way to get off with it.

So, when it was time for an upgrade, I had a better idea of what I needed. My vibrating dong days were past. I experimented with various clitoral massagers instead. I went through a few different bullet-style vibrators, I’ve enjoyed the tickle of rabbit ears, and I’ve used devices that don’t mimic a cock at all but are shaped to fit snugly against your privates.

I have a preferred model now that I keep by my bedside, and it’s a great thing to have on hand throughout the day.

It’s great for use during sex. At this point in my life, I’m not always able to achieve really strong orgasms from penetrative sex. Sometimes, I need a little help achieving a powerful one at the end. After getting a few orgasms, if I don’t think I’ll get there unassisted, I’ll reach for it. My go-to position is to lay flat on my stomach with it between my legs and Mr. Austin on top of me. It does the trick every single time.

And then, there are times when I just want to get off without all the effort that’s involved in sex. I’ve got fatigue issue and more kids than is reasonable — sometimes, I feel too worn down to even give a handjob, let alone some full-blown sex.

Sometimes it’s mid-day when I get the urge to get off, and I feel too self-conscious to have sex in a brightly lit room.

And sometimes you just want a little self-love, you know? It’s nice to check in with yourself once in a while, and a vibrator is a great way to do that.

There’s also plenty of mundane, everyday issues that can be resolved very nicely (and enjoyably) by getting off. Sometimes I need help to fall asleep. Sometimes, I need to relieve a headache. Sometimes, I need to soothe my anxieties. For all of those, I basically have two options: prescription cannabis or a vibrator-induced orgasm. The former is more effective, but the latter is cheaper and quicker. Though if I want a really good time, I’ll combine both.

I have a few devices that help make my life easier throughout the house. In the living room, I’ve got a Roomba that vacuums for me. In the kitchen, I have a rice cooker I use almost every day. And because I’ve allowed myself to experiment with vibrators, I’ve got a convenient device for the things I do in the bedroom, too.

Ditch the Insecurities — Embrace the Fun

As a woman in a polyamorous relationship, I don’t have any reason to think my husband will be my last partner. Sooner or later, I’ll probably have to figure out how to navigate a new relationship, negotiate all the sex stuff, and figure out how to connect with someone new.

There’s a lot of excitement that comes with that, but some anxiety, too. My old worries about using a vibrator resurface, too.

I have no problem using my vibrator with Mr. Austin, but will I feel comfortable reaching for it when I’m with a new partner? I know I have nothing to be embarrassed about. I’m an unabashed vibrator advocate. But I worry they’ll take it personally or be weird about it.

They really shouldn’t be. It would have nothing to do with them. It’s just another way to have fun and to enhance the pleasure. I’d want to use it with them. I’d want them to use it on me. If they’re into it, I’d probably want to use it on them. (I’ve tried to convince Mr. Austin to try a pocket pussy to no avail, but maybe my next partner will be more open minded.)

Sex should be fun. Sex should be pleasurable. And what’s more fun and pleasurable than using sex toys?

Guys shouldn’t be worried that a vibrator is going to replace them. They should be down with enhancing the pleasure of sex.

No one’s trying to replace a real life flesh and blood partner with a sex toy. But whatever you do, don’t make us choose. It might not be the easy decision you hope it is.

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