Summary

The article criticizes new writers who offer unsolicited advice on writing viral content without focusing on the craft, suggesting that their success is not indicative of quality writing.

Abstract

In a candid and colorful piece, the author, Sherry McGuinn, admonishes a subset of new writers on Medium who prioritize virality over the quality of their writing. These writers, labeled as "full-tilt assholes," are accused of multiplying rapidly and offering unhelpful advice, such as the use of "power words" to ensure a story's success. McGuinn dismisses the notion that viral stories need not be well-written, arguing that such advice undermines the hard work and dedication of seasoned writers. The article calls out the lack of substance in the advice given by these newcomers and questions the value of viral success if it comes at the expense of good writing. McGuinn invites fellow writers to share their experiences with viral content and the "power words" they've used, while also expressing a desire to achieve viral success without compromising on writing quality.

Opinions

The author believes that some new writers are too focused on giving advice about virality rather than improving their writing skills.
McGuinn is critical of the idea that using "power words" is a guaranteed method for making a story go viral.
The article suggests that the proliferation of poor advice from inexperienced writers is detrimental to the writing community.
The author argues that viral success does not necessarily correlate with the quality or coherence of the writing.
McGuinn expresses frustration with writers who achieve popularity without demonstrating proficiency in the craft of writing.
The piece encourages experienced writers to share their insights on creating impactful content, emphasizing the importance of well-crafted stories.
The author admits to a desire for viral success but maintains that it should not come at the cost of writing integrity.

TIPS FOR NOOBS/ROGUES’ GALLERY

New Writers, Here’s Something You Should Know: You Don’t

So stop telling the rest of us how, when, and what to write

There’s no kind way to say this, so I’ll just let it fly. Some (and please note the word) of you newbies here are making yourselves look like full-tilt assholes. And, that ain’t good. Trust me, I’ve been there. Not as a writer, mind you, but as a house guest.

Full-tilt butcher, baker, or candlestick maker? Ok! Full-tilt, don’t know shit, asshole-of-a-new-writer? Not so much.

That aside, it must be noted that your lot seems to be multiplying like the insurgents on January 6th of last year. Like ticks in the summer heat. And it’s difficult not to want to squish you like the bloated bloviators you are. Just mash you with my thumb and watch the bullcrap squirt out until there is nothing left of you but a fetid stain.

Is that too harsh?

The latest piece of dungy “advice” I read from a know-it-all noob had to do with how to make our stories “go viral.” The writer offered up her “surprisingly easy secret,” which is to use “power words.”

Naturally, the writer neglected to serve up examples of any such words. Not important, I guess.

Is “fuck” a power word? Because if it is, approximately ninety percent of my stories should have gone viral.

She goes on to say that her most successful stories haven’t been curated or distributed but the titles do contain the aforementioned power words.

Son of a bitch. What the F have I been doing with myself all these years?

I skimmed the poop as I always do with such turds as I simply cannot help myself. There. I said it. My bad. But, if I hadn’t, I wouldn’t be able to spill my guts with those of you who share many of the same views that I do. More or less.

Here’s what got me: This not-so-savvy-pretend-wordsmith declared that a viral story doesn’t even have to be well-written.

Read that again. The hell with honing our craft. Those of us who’ve been sweating away at this have wasted valuable time and energy when we could have been pounding Doritos and watching such small-screen gems as Duck Dynasty.

Is this a surprise? Some of the worst crap ever sharted out here has taken off like Omicron. But what did get me was the in-your-face attitude of “Go ahead and write like shit. It won’t matter a damn.”

So. If you can’t put a cohesive sentence together or anything remotely thought-provoking; if you absolutely stink as a writer, you’re golden. You’ll get gushing fans and tons of claps and followers who wouldn’t know transcendent writing if it bit them in their collective ass.

And, chances are good that your stories will go viral.

Just for shits and grins, I searched “how to go viral” on Medium, and naturally, the turds were non-stop. One of the most rancid is called, “How I Hacked Medium” and it’s so filled with typos and clunky sentences that I almost feel sorry for the person who shat it out.

This particular stink-bomb is about five years old and in checking the pseudo-author’s profile, it appears that the rest of his stories are in Turkish.

Consider that a blessing.

I’d like to pose a question to my friends here. The ones who I know have brain cells that are firing on (mostly) all cylinders.

Have any of your stories taken a viral turn, and if so, how do you explain it? PLEASE. Share your power words.

Because, fuck it all, I want to experience it. I want that golden moment where the heavens open and rain down Krugerrands on my pointy head.

I want the opportunity to cash in like the rest of these nimrods. And, why shouldn’t I? Why shouldn’t you?

Oh, hell. Why do I give a damn, anyway? Mostly, I just want these idiots to shut the hell up and go back to watching SpongeBob while they suck on a juice box. Is that too much to ask?

Finally, Mark Twain was a very wise man. Gifted in so many ways. If only he’d been wrong about the following:

“All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure. ” Mark Twain

Sherry McGuinn is a slightly-twisted, longtime Chicago-area writer and award-winning screenwriter. She is currently pitching her newest screenplay, “The Month We Fell Apart,” a drama with dark, comedic overtones and inspired by a true story, as well as “DEAD TIRED,” a female-driven, ass-kicking thriller.

Thanks for reading, guys. If you enjoyed this, I’d love for you to check out the following, as well as my newsletter, Sherry Raw.

TIPS FOR NOOBS/ROGUES’ GALLERY

New Writers, Here’s Something You Should Know: You Don’t

So stop telling the rest of us how, when, and what to write

Scraps

Strange, what remains

My Big Red Lips

The “sex” in my sex appeal.

I Had Sex With An Octopus.

And it was all over me.

Numb

On reliving the death of my parents

I Got Laid at Trader Joe’s

While my husband waited in the car.