Maintain a Happy Relationship

New Study Suggests That Happily Married Couples May Argue Differently Than Other Couples

One major difference between a happy couple and an unhappy couple may be the way in which they argue about the way to solve problems.

All significant relationships involve disagreements and differences of opinion. In a marriage where two people live in the same home and share their lives, there are going to be times when difficulties arise. Some have argued that the married couples who never argue do not have an honest relationship where each feels they can openly share their thoughts and feelings. It may be the case that one or both of the partners is conflict avoidant such that it takes a toll on their emotions, their sense of being respected by their partner or they feel taken advantage of. This can lead to resentment, anger or a damaged self concept.

Now a study published in Family Process suggests that an important factor that may differentiate happy couples from unhappy ones, is how they handle marital conflict. The research investigation set out to examine the issues that happy couples face in their marriage and whether this is affected by the length of time they’ve been married.

Two samples of happily married couples were included. One was early in middle adulthood who were married on average 9 years and one in older adulthood who were married on average for 42 years. Results showed that all reported issues for both groups were relatively minor but those married for a shorter period reported more significant problems compared to those married for a longer period. There was only a moderate association found between what the couples said was their most serious issues and what issues they chose to resolve.

When observed, all the couples focused on issues that had clear solutions such as deciding how to divide up chores or where to go on vacation. They almost never argued about issues that were complex or difficult to solve. This may be a key to maintaining a happy marriage. While it’s not healthy to simply avoid attempting to solve any complex of tough problems, solving easy ones first helps provide both spouses with a sense of security and confidence in their union. That establishes a firm foundations letting them go on to solve harder problems through give and take.

Strategies for Effective Arguing as a Means of Arriving at the Best Solutions

Commitment and Focus

• Commit to dealing with the problem — Make sure that neither partner avoids the conflict or dealing with problems in general
• Focus on the problem not the person — Attacking the problem is adaptive. Attacking your spouse is not.

Respect and Emotional Regulation

• Encourage honesty and transparency in the way you interact with each other by making sure each person feels heard
• Start slow and take turns talking. This requires you to not let problems build up until you can’t take it any longer. Addressing a possible issue that needs solving as soon as you are aware of it will better enable you to carefully phrase what you want to address, and actively listen to your partner when they are speaking
• Put yourself in your spouses shoes. You can always respect where your partner is coming from even if you don’t fully understand it.
• Acknowledge each other’s feelings and points of view
• Give each other the benefit of the doubt — Don’t assume the other person is arguing because of an ulterior motive
• Don’t name call
• Know when to cool down — Know when you need to get a handle on your emotions so you don’t say something that you will regret. Take deep breaths, go on a walk, do some muscle relaxation.

Focus on Problem Solving

• Set ground rules that you always use. These might be things like, “We will never interrupt each other,” or “It’s not about being right, it’s about reaching a joint decision about how best to solve the problem.”
• Don’t jump to conclusions. Get all the facts before you settle on a solution.
• Come up with as many possible solutions you can think of, then evaluate each one together to come to a conclusion as to which is the best

Look Towards the Future and Growth

• After you solve a problem, explore what you have gained and learned from the situation. Reframe the argument as a challenge and opportunity to grow as a couple. Find the positives.
• Remember, even when arguing that you are a member of a team and the point of the disagreement is not who wins or loses. When you solve a problem successfully with your partner, you both win.

Take Away

Married couples can increase their happiness by successfully solving the problems in their relationship. The best way to do this is to first focus on easy to solve problems to establish confidence in the marriage then to go on to more complex problems that are harder to solve. It is also important to remain respectful of the other person’s perspective even when you don’t agree with them. Letting your emotions get out of control or insulting your partner can short circuit your ability to problem solve even easy problems.

References

Rauer, A., Sabey, A. K., Proulx, C. M., & Volling, B. L. (2019). What are the Marital Problems of Happy Couples? A Multimethod, Two‐Sample Investigation. Family process.

Natalie C. Frank has a Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology. She specializes in Pediatric Psychology and Behavioral Medicine.

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