New Mother Under Investigation for Posting Too Few Baby Pics
Concerns raised that Mom is failing kid and community
San Francisco, California — Justine Clemente, 25, is under investigation today as authorities are concerned about her lack of baby photos on social media. Clemente recently gave birth to an adorable little girl, Noelle, but you wouldn’t know it to look at Instagram or Facebook.
“There are no tiny baby feet pics. No filtered shots of a sleeping baby girl,” said Child Media Advocate, Priscilla Banks. “Baby Noelle can’t post for herself, so she is reliant on Ms. Clemente to Instagram all her cuteness on her behalf. At fourteen weeks, she is at prime infant cuteness, and her mother has a responsibility to share that ad nauseam.”
While Clemente has dutifully posted a handful of delightful poses in Halloween costumes and above-average outfits, there is a grave concern that the mother may have already missed the minor milestone photos. Photos such as the first almost smile, the first false alarm not-giggle, and the full range of nearly imperceptibly different micro-expressions to show “personality” are missing from social media.
Clemente’s sister, Christine Hopper, contacted both the Social Media Police as well as reporters. “I love my sister, but I’m really concerned for Noelle. What is the kid going to do when she turns eleven, takes over her Insta, and has nothing? It’s a terrifying thought, coming into your own online without spaghetti face shots or bath pics with bubbles as private bits censors. I couldn’t let that be my niece’s fate.”
According to most social media platforms’ terms of service, parents of infants aged six months or younger are required to post no less than 43 photos per week of their tiny human. The language doesn’t specify how many times a day to post, but most parents tend to space them out evenly.
Clemente claims she does have many Baby Noelle pics on her phone but has not posted them. “She’s only going to be this little once. I didn’t want to watch her first smile from the screen of my phone,” the young mom explained. “I wanted to enjoy the cuddles and snuggles, not worry with filters and lighting.”
Advocate Banks says, “Quality time with your kids is no excuse to shirk the excessive picture sharing duties of early parenthood. Spend time with them if you need to, but have that phone ready at all times.”
Banks explains that we need cute babies on social media because it brings balance to an otherwise dismal feed. With the world news in chaos, boomers’ obsession with reposting fake news, and poorly targeted served ads, baby pictures are the balm for a sore scrolling thumb.
“If you possess a tiny, adorable creature, you have an obligation to overshare it. It’s for the good of the child as well as the community.”
Clemente will likely be sentenced to #instaschool for #babypics training should the investigation turn up she has been intentionally refusing to post her Noelle’s sweet little face every few hours.
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Gwenna Laithland is a writer, launch advisor, and humorist. She is the founder and editor of WonderQuill. She is a work-at-home mom of 3 living in Oklahoma. She writes contemporary sci-fi and is working on her debut novel, Beyond the Sky.