PRIVACY

Never Show Your Face, Or Set Foot, in a Grocery Store That Sells Sex Toys

Clean up in aisle 4

How do you use this?

The Publix grocery store clerk asked me as she pulled her reading glasses higher up on her nose. She studied the fine print on the label as the line of waiting people grew.

Do you really like it?

No, I frequently buy items I hate.

I quickly explained Miracle Noodles to both her and Marge, the bagger who is now just as interested. It’s just a fake pasta, plant-based Shirataki noodles made from konjac yams. No, not shiitake mushrooms. It’s complicated, I said. But trust me, they are simply a vehicle for whatever sauce you use with them.

I don’t have time to explain the products on your shelves.

I silently plead with my eyes for them to go read the package on your break.

Sometimes I give my best-exaggerated sigh. At times I resort to speaking really fast and glance down at my nonexistent watch. Occasionally I do the wiggle dance indicating a need to release my bladder.

All of them are practiced, and yet, all of them are also very real.

I’m in a rush.

Leave me alone.

I have zero desire to discuss my purchases. Ever. Not today, not tomorrow, not ever.

Let me pay for my items and leave.

I am at their mercy, and they know it. Do they stage contests during the manager meetings for the most intrusive employee of the month?

When the clerk, Benny, held up my loofah on a stick and spun it around to get a better view, my cheeks flushed with embarrassment. I have no idea why his fascination caused a full-blown inspection. Showering is pretty commonplace. Had he never seen a loofah? Also, why this action embarrassed me I’ll never know. My mind imagined that he pictured me using it in the shower.

Naked.

Scrubbing any dead skin that I could reach.

Because that’s an attractive visual.

I’m in a rush.

Leave me alone.

The loofah was too long to fit nicely in the bag, so he gingerly handed the stick to me as if it was some bizarre ‘woman’ product that needed to be handled with care.

Lovely.

Vulnerable.

Naked in line at the grocery store now.

I try to buy under 10 items to qualify for the Speedy Lane. It doesn’t seem to dissuade conversation, the actual full-on grilling I am subjected to, however. So, what if the items were actually of interest?

I imagine this is the very reason they will never sell sex toys in Aisle 4 or risk people clumping at the end caps.

The pandemic has ruined your social life. You carefully hide your Tarzan Mega Man under the lettuce, Grape Nuts cereal, Metamucil and hope to just seamlessly pay and get out.

You grabbed a few more intriguing toys that were on sale and push your luck.

Uh, oh. Marge! It’s too late to escape and you pray as sweat forms on your brow. Please don’t, please don’t, please don’t talk to me.

• Tarzan comes in Mega Man, now? Isn’t that a bit much?

Ummmmm…

• Look, Benny, they’ve come out with a limited edition collectible Lumberjack!

Can you just bag that, please?

• Rechargeable? Do you use a cord with this?

From what I’ve heard, not while it’s in use.

• Wow, I’ve never seen anything like this, it sure is a big’un!

It’s a gift. For my mom. No, really.

• I’ve always wondered about ball gags, what exactly is it?

Ummmmm…you should try it. Right now.

• Oh, look! Marge shrieks with glee. I’ve been waiting for Carl, the Cabana Boy to go on sale!

The twelve people behind in line are all intent on averting their eyes. But listening. Taking notes. Maybe even using their phone to take a picture.

Run Marge, there’s a stack of Cabana Boys on the endcap of the aisle. Just stop talking.

• Do you like this one, really?

No, I frequently buy items I hate.

For my mom, I mean.

As a modest 57-year-old, I was already embarrassed just purchasing a loofah.

I’m in a rush.

Leave me alone.

And with that, I hear the announcement, “Clean up in Aisle 4,” and see my 87-year-old neighbor Edna, scurrying away from the toppled display. Carl the Cabana Boy strikes again.

Sex toys in my grocery store? Good Lord, I hope not.

The pandemic resulted in a few positive life modifications. There’s something to be said for contactless store-to-door delivery.

I’ll create my Insta-cart online shopping account now.

Just in case.

For my mom.

Her birthday is right around the corner.

Ready to join and read on endlessly?

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