Navigating a Quarter-Life Crisis

When life hits you all at once

When I was 16, I thought by 25 I would have life all figured out. Of course, at that age, I was drunk on romantic comedies that convinced me I would be married, with a great career, and maybe starting a family. I thought I would be living in a big house and driving that brand new SUV that I gifted myself post-grad school…

It’s funny how we romanticize our twenties when we are young.

This year I turned 25, and the whole year leading up to this one — I would joke about how my “quarter-life crisis” was on the rise. I think I said it so much that I self prophesized a crisis — oops.

In the months leading up to my birthday, I started to question everything and resist all the good things in my life. Of course, it didn’t help that the doom of 2020 was looming over my 25th. It added to the whole quarter-life crisis mantra I had created.

The self-pity really set in on the morning of my 25th.

I woke up thinking about all the things I was supposed to have by this point in my life, and the only thing I could focus on was how my life was falling apart.

I am twenty-five, separated from my husband, selling my house, questioning everything, and trying to find steady work in the middle of a pandemic. Did I mention I have no plans or funds for graduate school?

Sixteen-year-old me is weeping. Cue the existential crisis.

I have hidden these truths from myself for a while. You see, twenty-four year old me saw all of this coming. She was just too stubborn to accept it and very good at avoidance.

She was great at making everything look perfect from the outside and perfecting that “everything is great” smile.

She was so good — she even tricked herself. I mean, it was either that or let people in, and she was never really good at that. She put her loved ones first, and her happiness came last. Admirable?

Maybe, but at some point, something’s gotta give.

The thing about forcing that smile is that you’re doing it all alone and when the lonliness sets in, it’s overwhelming and all at once.

In the beginning, You don’t notice the weight that you’re carrying around because of it. You have this picture of how your life would turn out, so you blindly chase the things and the life you think you’re supposed to have. The weight piles on quickly, but you keep pushing forward.

It feels like you are doing everyone a favor because it seems silly to burden the people around you with such trivial problems. It’s easy to classify your problems as ‘trivial’ and ‘insignificant’ when you are used to being the rock for everyone else.

Just keep going through the motions. Everything will fall into place.

Fake it until you make it. The rest will fall into place, right?

This was kind of my motto in all aspects of life. I realized that convincing myself to be happy was a lot easier than actually being happy. So I got good at convincing myself I was. It’s easy to do until you wake up and realize that you lost precious time forcing happiness, and you have no idea what actually brings you joy.

Your inner thoughts start to play tricks on you and convince you that your feelings are invalid, your problems are trivial, and there are more important things to focus on. So you tell yourself that you’re happy and that everything is fine.

Sure, your marriage is falling apart because you’re questioning the validity of the couple, and your happiness is being compromised. But that’s a small price to pay to keep everyone else happy, right?

Sure, your career is falling behind because you graduated in the middle of a pandemic, and steady work is a foreign concept at the moment. But everyone is going through that. So, your feelings of a failed career and falling behind on your dream are completely invalid, right?

People have real problems, and yours are minuscule by comparison. Just keep smiling, and everything will fall into place.

Wrong, wrong, wrong.

The feeling — that your feelings are invalid — is invalid.

This is where we fall short because we tell ourselves that our problems are trivial, that we are overreacting, that it’s not worth talking about, or it’s not worth taking the risk, play it safe.

It’s easy to convince yourself that everything is fine when you play the comparison game and invalid your feelings again and again.

We fail ourselves by ignoring our problems, playing it safe to avoid disappointment or failure, and settling instead of chasing our dreams. This is where the quarter-life crisis cemented itself.

I started to realize that I minimized my growth by getting too comfortable settling for the things that other people found worthy instead of going after the things that I valued.

I sought approval from others before getting approval from myself and convinced myself that was good enough. I settled because I inadvertently listened to society’s rules and expectations.

Sixteen-year-old me thought I would have life figured out by this point in my life — I wish.

I am learning that the challenge we face in our twenties (yes, all ten of those years) is finding our place in this world and filtering out society’s expectations from our desires, which is no easy task.

There is a lot of disappointment, doubt, fear, and uncertainty along the way, making it easy for our insecurities to take over.

All too often, I meet young people approaching twenty-five and hear them express defeat and failed dreams as certainty like — there is no time left on the clock.

I don’t know when we decided that mid-twenties was too late to start over, start something new, make a career change, or start chasing our dreams, but I am determined to debunk and rebel against that belief.

Don’t worry — I full-heartedly believed this myself before coming to the realization that my life is just beginning and we have the freedom to start over whenever we please.

Of course, this epiphany didn’t come without tears, feelings of defeat, and many solo pity parties. Once you get all of that out of your system, nothing is holding you back.

Navigating the Quarter-Life Crisis

To navigate the quarter-life crisis, you must be aware of certain things.

➰Don’t expect to figure out everything in your twenties

Honestly, I don’t know when the adults in our lives started feeding us that idea, but we were lied to, people. We do not have it all figured out in our twenties. Most people I know are still figured things out in their thirties — and that’s okay!!

Most of us are still learning about who we are, finding our place in this world, and discovering what makes us happy.

➰Submit to the idea that changes are inevitable

Change is beautiful and something it hardly gets the credit it deserves. It is beautiful, often necessary, and terrifying.

➰Be open to realize and adapt that we are not who we were at 16

Those dreams that we had and the ideals we placed on our lives don’t have to be relevant today if we don’t want them. We tend to forget how often we grow and change.

As we grow and adapt as humans, the things we value in life change, but all too often we resist that change. It’s like we don’t allow ourselves to go after the things that we truly want because of an idea that came from a previous version of ourselves.

It’s hard to let go, especially when you are keenly aware of how badly you may have wanted something in a previous version of yourself, but it’s okay!

We have to learn to let go of the things that no longer serve us to grow into the people that we are truly meant to be.

➰Change your mindset

If you are feeling defeat or failure, it’s time to change your mindset by focusing on personal development. That feeling of defeat is stemming from unhappiness in your life. It’s screaming out to you begging for change and one of the most effective changes you can make is changing your mindset.

Don’t be fooled though — changing your mindset is no easy task. It will take work and commitment to yourself.

➰Let yourself dream and go after it

As adults, we forget that we are allowed to dream, and we actually have the power to go after the things that we want. I used to get annoyed when people would tell me that it’s never too late to go after the things that you want until I realized the truth behind that saying.

If you want something bad enough, you will go after it and find a way to make it work, no matter the sacrifices.

➰Be patient with yourself

In our twenties, we are growing into the person that we are meant to be. This means we are still figuring out who we are, what we want, and where we want to go. We are bound to make mistakes, change our minds, fall in and out of love, and be a complete mess — don’t fight it. Give in to the process and allow yourself time to figure it all out.

To Conclude

The key thing to remember is that it’s never too late. You have the power to go after the things that you want and create the life you want.

Even amongst a quarter-life crisis and global pandemic, I’ve learned that the possibilities this life has to offer are endless. It’s up to us to believe that this is true and go after the things that we want.

When it feels like your life is falling apart as mine did on the morning of my 25th — listen to yourself.

Something inside you is screaming at you, telling you that change needs to happen, and you have to be responsive if you truly want change. You have the power to change where you are and who you are at any point in time.

The biggest thing holding you back is you until you fight back and make a plan.

So what are you waiting for? Fight.

Thank you for reading.

If you are interested to know more about my stories, you may read the following curated one published in The Masterpiece.